Diary of a Single Mother
by hann789
Summary: AU. No one excepts to become a mother at the young age of 16, especially Lorelai Gilmore.  This is her story, through her eyes.  A look inside what I think Lorelai's diary would have read.  Rated for language.
1. April 22, 1984

**A/N: A new story from me. I was watching the "Dear Emily and Richard" episode the other night and this idea kinda hit me, so I started writing and this is what came out. I'm not sure if anyone will like it, or want me to keep going. I leave it all in the hands of you readers. You tell me, keep going or stop right here. I want to know, honestly, what you think.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or the conversation I borrowed from the episode, it's just a little fun.**

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_April 22, 1984_

Dear diary,

Well, happy birthday to me. I can't believe it. I was not planning on celebrating my 16th birthday like this. Who does?

Pregnant. I'm pregnant. Me, Lorelai Gilmore, pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. I'm pregnant. (Okay, saying and writing it over and over is NOT helping.) I'm going to be having a baby at 16. This concept is so foreign to me. This was not supposed to be how this happened. Not now, not like this. Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, nope, still not working. I had to give it another go.

Damn Christopher. Damn tequila. Damn busted condom. Damn, damn, damn. Damn stupid, shitty New Year's Eve party we tried to escape from. Damn balcony. Damn hormones. Damn it all.

This is not right. Not how it was supposed to be. My parents are enraged. I don't think I've ever seen my dad so upset, so angry, and so disappointed. I'm supposed to be a senior next fall, supposed to graduate at the top of my class, suppose to go to Yale, and suppose to take the world by storm. Now, now that is all being flushed down the damn toilet. Shit, shit, shit.

Oh my god, telling Christopher was awful and completely awkward. He's my boyfriend, or was, I'm still not sure how or what is going on with that, but anyways, back to the whole dropping the bomb on him. Chris could never say no to my puppy dog eyes, so the other day I put them on and begged him to skip Chem lab with me. I told him that I just wanted to get a decent cup of coffee so we headed around the corner to the coffee shop.

I sat in silence for a few minutes, afraid to speak, afraid to even move. Chris was looking at me expectantly, knowing I had something to say, but leaving me to my own demise and I just sat there nursing the largest cup of coffee I could order. Finally, I brought my eyes up to meet his.

He spoke first, "So, Lor what's up? You are acting really funny," his voice was nervous. His immature sixteen years evident. Damn Christopher. Why did I have to fall for his bullshit?

I dove right in, "Chris, I'm pregnant."

The coffee in his mouth came out through his nose, "what?" he stuttered, his eyes bulging. His face was pale and his jaw was so spread apart I thought the bottom would fall off.

"What?" he repeated, needing confirmation.

I did the only thing I could think of to really drive the news home. I pulled out the bag of pregnancy tests I had taken the night before. All twelve of them marked with a pink line or two lines, all twelve stating the same thing.

I repeated myself again, "I'm pregnant."

"What do we do?" he asked, his voice shaking and laced with fear.

"Chris, we have to tell our parents," I told him. I was dreading that moment in time, probably as much or even more as him.

"I'm dead," he muttered.

"You won't be the only one," I added and he smiled at me sheepishly. We sat there together for a few more minutes in silence before we walked back to school. The rest of that day skidded by in a fog.

That was the same night we told our parents. Straub and Francine dragged Chris over right away and a lengthy discussion followed that.

God, I can just remember their voices after they sent Chris and me upstairs. We sat on the landing just listening to them talk about us and our baby.

"This is unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable." Straub said his voice laced with contempt.

"I feel sick," Francine answered. Chris' mother had always been temperamental and dare I say weak. She never did take anything in stride.

"Everything's gone. It's been tossed right out the window," Straub complained, "Stop crying damn it."

"Here Francine, drink your water," I heard my mother's voice, unfamiliarly calm. "We need to calm down. Getting upset isn't getting us anywhere."

"What do we tell people?" Francine asked. Of course they were going to worry about what everyone else said. Damn reputations were shot now.

"Well, who needs to know?"

"What do you mean, who needs to know?" Straub exclaimed.

"You don't have to yell at me Straub," my mother shot back angrily.

"Everybody has to know, Emily. Everyone will know. We can't pretend this didn't happen." Straub said, the first piece of real help he had been all night.

"You could send her away," Francine's voice suggested quietly and I could just imagine the look on my mother's face.

"Excuse me?" my mother asked.

"Aren't there places that take girls like that?"

"Girls like what, Francine?" My mother's voice is indescribable when she's upset.

"Well, girls in…I can't handle this, I can't handle this at all."

"Stop crying damn it," Straub yelled at his wife again and I felt Chris tense up next to me.

"Christopher is just as much to blame as Lorelai is," my mom said, and this time I was the one who flinched. It hit me then, my father hadn't said anything. That thought terrified me.

"Like hell he is," Straub shot back and I could have sworn we were in for another shouting match.

"They are in this together," my mother insisted and I caught Chris' head nodding in agreement out of the corner of my eye.

"I don't see why. Why should Christopher sacrifice everything we've planned for him just because-"

"Choose your words extremely carefully, Straub," my mother warned and Francine cut in.

"Emily, you know we love Lorelai, you that. But Christopher is so young, he's a baby," Francine cooed and I could imagine mom rolling her eyes.

"Well, Lorelai's not exactly collecting social security," mom argued back. We really do have the same sense of humor and wit, not like I would ever admit that to anyone for real.

"Why doesn't she get rid of it?" I heard Straub ask and I gasped. Understand that even as scared as I am of having this baby, I could never get rid of it. I love it already.

"What?" mom asked appalled.

"Straub," Francine said.

"It's an option."

"It certainly is not an option," I heard my mom say and cheered for her. There weren't many times that she would stand up for me, but I was so glad this was one of them.

'Why not?"

"Because I say so."

"Then what the hell are you suggesting, Emily? What's your great solution to this problem?"

I shuddered when I heard my father's voice for the first time that night. He spoke calmly and reserved, "They will get married, they will live here, and Christopher will go to work at my company. That is the solution. Now, we have a plan so we can all stop talking about it. Please excuse me, I have work to do."

"I think Richard's plan sound very sensible," my mom commented as he walked away.

"I just have one question – why his company?" Straub's voice broke the silence and Chris groaned quietly next to me.

"What do you mean his company?" my mother asked.

"Well, I have a law firm. Christopher could go to school," Straub argued and they started going at it again.

Sitting next to Chris I sarcastically decided to throw in my own opinion, "I know we are all upset here folks, but maybe we should ask the kids what they think; Lorelai, Christopher, anything to add here?"

"Quiet they'll hear you," Christopher scolded.

"Not likely. I don't know how much longer I can just sit here like this," I mumbled.

"It's okay, let them talk."

"They're talking about us."

"They're trying to figure out what to do."

"What to do with our lives, our lives! Yours and mines and …its."

"We're going to need their help."

"We can take care of ourselves."

"How?"

"We'll figure it out," I insisted, annoyed he was letting them take control.

"It's okay. It sounds okay."

"What sounds okay?" I asked at his sudden outburst, confused.

"You know, working for your dad, living here. It sounds okay."

"Chris, no! What about Europe? What about sleeping on a bench in Paris?"

"We can't do that now. I have to get a job," Chris said, his eyes focused on the tips of his shoes.

"No!"

"I have to make money."

"No!"

"It's okay, really." Chris insisted.

This is not what I had planned. To be honest, I really don't want to marry him. I'm too young to get married. This really isn't what I want, not to be Lorelai Hayden. Gah!

Not more than a few minutes they were out the door, no plan agreed on by all the adults. I can't believe that all happened just a few days ago.

And now, here I am, sitting in my room, on the night of my sixteenth birthday, thankful that all the guests from my party didn't notice my slightly larger frame and comment on it. No one knows yet and I'm barely showing. I'm only 3 months along. I'm due the beginning of October. I can't believe this. I'm pregnant.

It still doesn't seem real. Will it ever? Doubt it. I'm going to be a mother, shit.

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**A/N: So that was it. What do you think, please tell me. I want to hear it. Thanks!**


	2. October 8, 1984

**A/N: Hey there! Here is another installment and picture into the life of young single mother Lorelai Gilmore. Are you enjoying it? Please tell me. The reviews say it all!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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_October 8, 1984_

She's here. My beautiful baby girl is now in the world and no longer trapped inside my body. She'd beautiful, angelic really.

She is perfect.

I finally decided on a name. I know it's about time. My daughter's name is Lorelai Leigh Gilmore. Yes, I really did name her after me. Seems crazy, I understand that, but come on, guys do it all the time, why can't us females have our names carried on? Okay, so it might have had something to do with the Demerol I was drugged up on, but hey we won't tell that part of the story.

And, for the Demerol, it didn't help too much. Childbirth hurts, like hell! I have never been in so much pain before. Ever. There are no words to describe it, I couldn't. Then again, I'm not sure I really want to describe it. That will make me always have a way to remember it and out of everything today has been, the pain part I would be totally fine in forgetting.

Okay and what is with the ice chips they give you? Is there a purpose for them because I didn't find any? The only thing that I did with that stupid cup of ice was pelt nurses. Sounds a bit odd, but it was so much fun and it helped take my mind off of the intense pain I was feeling, so I guess they did end up having a purpose.

I'm glad it's all over now though. Twenty-six hours of labor. Twenty-six. I didn't think she'd ever come out. I mean, I was sitting in my room, like two days ago, watching some late night TV show when I started feeling the pains. Damn contractions. Mom and dad were pretty upset that I didn't wake them. I just took a cab to the hospital and left them a note on the kitchen table. It seemed much less dramatic that way.

They didn't think so. Hours later they showed up at the hospital, yelling and complaining how I didn't wake them up so they could drive me to the hospital and then sit for hours as I went through hell. Mom even had the audacity to assume she'd be joining me in the room.

Hell no.

There wasn't any way in hell I was going to let her come into that room with me.

Dad ended up leaving and going to work. He couldn't stay away all day and since Rory was being so shy he left around lunchtime promising to come straight back if she was born or after dinner. I didn't really care, all I was concerned about was getting my kid out of me.

Finally, at 4:08 am this morning Lorelai Leigh Gilmore made her appearance into the world.

Nothing can describe the feeling of holding my daughter for the first time. Looking into her eyes and having that instant connection. God, it was amazing.

Christopher was there. He showed up to the hospital after school had let out for the day and stayed through our daughter's birth. I'm sure Straub and Francine weren't happy about that, but god, who cares about their opinion. They've already made themselves very aware that she won't be welcome into their lives as a granddaughter. Their loss.

Chris proposed again this morning. I couldn't believe it. You would think he would have gotten the message by now. Apparently he hasn't.

"She's beautiful," Chris whispered. We were standing outside of the glass that surrounds the hospital nursery just staring at our daughter.

"She's perfect," I told him, my eyes never leaving her face. There is this feeling that overwhelms you the moment they lay your new child in your arms that is indescribable. I wanted nothing more than to stare at her for the rest of her life.

"We should get married Lorelai," Chris said and I groaned.

"Not this, not again Chris."

"Why not Lorelai? Why won't you marry me? I love you," Chris said, pulling me by the arm down the hall and into my room.

"And I love you too Chris. You've been my best friend for as long as I can remember, but I'm not in love with you."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Chris asked, obviously hurt.

"I can't marry you. I don't love you like that. We'll always be connected because of Rory, but I can't marry you. You don't want to marry me anyways."

"Yes I do," Chris argued and I could only shake my head.

"You feel you have to, but you don't want to. Go to Europe Chris. Go to college. Make something of yourself. I can't marry you."

"I'm not going to give up Lor. We belong together. You'll marry me one day," Chris said angrily as he picked up his jacket. "I won't give up."

"I'm sorry Chris," I whispered and he just shrugged and walked out the door. I haven't seen him since. Though, it has only been like six hours since he left. I wish I loved him enough to marry him. To make a marriage work and be a family, but I can't and I won't live in that lie. We'd be divorced before we turned twenty five and I can't do that to either of us.

Though, I'm not sure how long I'll be able to deal living with my parents. They've already started talking about Nannies to leave her with when I go back to school. I can't even begin to imagine the look on their face when I tell them I won't be going back to school. I've looked into getting my GED and I'm fairly certain that is the route I'm going to go.

And I don't want to leave my daughter all day with a nanny. I couldn't do that to her.

Sitting here now I'm watching the rise and fall of my daughter's chest as she sleeps quietly beside me. I begged the nursed to bring her bassinet into my room so I can be there right with her until we leave the hospital tomorrow afternoon and thankfully they agreed.

I'm not going to let my parents bully me into something I don't want to do. I will be the one raising my daughter. I won't just let some nanny do it for me. Sorry, but that is so not the way it works. I know I'm still just sixteen but now that I have a daughter I'm an adult.

Having a kid makes you grow up pretty fast.

Damn. My life has changed today. I mean, technically it changed the day I saw the stick turn pink, but still, today makes it all the more real. That little baby girl sleeping next to me is real, all of this is real, and it's my life now. Hell, I'm not sure I'm ready for this, but I don't have a choice huh? Nope. Didn't think so.

Well, here's to the next chapter of my life.

Motherhood.

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**A/N: It doesn't take much to review so please, please do it. (Dirty?) I'm a review junkie and I need my fix. Thanks!**


	3. May 29, 1985

**A/N: The third installment of my Lorelai diary inserts. What was going through her mind the night she left the Gilmore's? Here's my take.**

**Disclaimer: I can dream and wish I owned them, but that really doesn't do much good.**

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May 29, 1985

I can't believe I actually did it. I know I've been talking about this for months now, hell years really, but seriously for months and tonight I finally did it. I left. I couldn't stand it anymore. The criticism, the constant nagging, and everything else that comes with being a single, teenage mother trying to raise her daughter in the Hartford society circle.

So, I left.

I packed my bags, gathered all of Rory's stuff, emptied my bank account and left tonight after dinner.

Can I just tell you how difficult it is to juggle a seven month old, a suitcase, a diaper bag, and a purse? It was an adventure, a damn hard adventure. Luckily this older guy at the bus stop helped me. I'm not sure what he was doing there, because he got in a car after helping me a drove away, but I'm so thankful he was there.

I didn't catch his name, but his eyes and smile will be embedded in my memory forever. They were the eyes of a caring father, his sad smile spoke like he knew my situation and felt for me. I wonder what his life must be like to carry that sad of a smile.

Anyways, back on subject here. Yup, so I left. I left a note for my parents a few scrawled words so they wouldn't worry too much about me.

_Dear Richard and Emily,_

_I'm sorry but I had to leave. I can't raise Rory in this life. I don't want to raise Rory in this life. Thank you for sticking by me so far. We'll be fine._

_Lorelai_

Yup, that's all I said. Not descriptive, not too informal, just something to let them know I didn't get kidnapped or anything like that. I'm sure that note won't keep them from looking for me, but I'm praying that they don't find me. I don't want to go back. I can't go back. That would be far worse than anything so far.

So, right now I'm sitting near the back of this slightly smelly bus, which I spent half of my money on a ticket for, Rory asleep in the seat next to me, heading to who knows where. There are several stops along this route that I'm considering, but I'm so tired right now that I can't decide. The bus seems to be fairly empty tonight. I guess most people don't travel to places at night; I certainly wouldn't have if it could be helped.

Stars Hollow.

That is were I'm going to get off, Stars Hollow. Doesn't it sound just romantic? There seems to be something magical about the name and I'm hoping I can pull some of that magic into my life.

God knows I need it.

I should be hitting the town in about another ten minutes according to the agitated bus driver. I don't blame him for being annoyed with me tonight though, Rory and I are now the only ones on the bus and if we would have gotten out at the last stop he'd be on his way home now, but I just couldn't. Woodbury? Doesn't seem as magical and fantastic as Stars Hollow, so of course, Stars Hollow won out anyways and we're still here.

Oh, and I didn't tell Chris I was leaving. Guess I didn't mention that yet huh? Sure, I'd broached the subject to him a few times over the last couple months, but he doesn't have a clue that I actually did it. I guess I should tell him huh? He is her father after all.

He's her father by DNA and that's it.

I'm glad I didn't marry him. Besides the fact that I really don't feel that way about him, he's been a pretty shitty father to Rory so far. I can't believe it really. When I told him I was pregnant and when I assured him and his parents that I was indeed keeping her, he promised he'd be there for it, for it all.

Yea, he hasn't.

Can I blame him? Hell yeah. I understand he's a senior in high school, preparing to graduate in the next few weeks, and he didn't expect to be a father at such a damn young age, but still. He's a shitty father. He told me last week that he had decided on a college. Stanford. In California. I'm sure Straub had a lot to do with that decision. Straub wants Chris as far away as he can get him from Rory and me.

And yet he said he wanted to be involved in his daughter's life. Yeah right. That's going to be a little bit hard since he'll be across the damn country.

That's probably part of the reason I didn't bother to tell him.

Oh, did I tell you? The proposal count is up to thirty now and that includes another proposal when he told be about California.

Is he really that stupid?

Don't answer that Lorelai; don't answer that, try to be nice. He still is her father after all.

Does he really not understand that since I turned down his proposal the first twenty some times another one is not actually going to help him? If he didn't, he's a hell of a lot stupider than I thought then.

Shit, here's my stop. Stars Hollow. Let's see what this town is going to be all about.

**One Hour Later**

It's been one hour. Only one hour since I stepped out of that musty bus into this magical town.

And it really is magical.

The reason I feel so strongly about this town already? You really want to know. Okay, okay I'll tell you.

I've got a job already.

Yes, you heard that correctly. I, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, daughter of Richard and Emily Gilmore, decedents from the Mayflower, have a job.

I'm a maid at the Independence Inn, which sits on the outskirts of Stars Hollow.

After stepping off the bus in the middle of the town square I was completely mesmerized. The town gazebo was covered with frosted twinkle lights that brighten an otherwise dark town. Glancing down at the watch on my wrist I chuckled, it wasn't even ten o'clock and the town seemed to be asleep already. I wandered around for a bit, not sure where to go or how to get there. All I knew was I needed to find somewhere to sleep and to change and feed my now fussy, awake daughter.

"Can I help you sugar?" a husky voice asked from behind me. When I turned I came face to face with a short, pudgy woman who was pulling a wagon behind her in which a cat sat perked on a bed of pillows. The woman was accompanied by a tall and gangly man with dark sunglasses on, even though the sun had long since set. To say I was amused would be a severe understatement.

"I'm looking for a place to stay," I answered holding Rory close to my chest, "I just arrived in town."

"Oh well that's easy," the woman answered. "The only place in town would be the Independence Inn on Chestnut. Just down there."

I followed her extended hand with my eyes and nodded slowly.

"You'll want to ask for Mia," she told me, "she is the owner of the place and tell her Babette, that's me, sent ya."

"Thanks," I replied quietly, "I appreciate it."

"Of course sugar," she said as I walked away, "good luck."

That short conversation with the interesting couple led me to Mia and to the greatest thing that could happen.

I have a place to stay. Granted it isn't anything that my parents would approve of, but it's mine. It's a small, little place on the inn grounds. The owner, Mia, told me it was refurbished from a potting shed to a 'playhouse' for her sons when they were younger and had to go to work with her. It was running water and electricity and a bed. It's perfect.

I have a place to stay and call home and I have a job.

Magic I told you, this town is magic.

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**A/N: I'm glad to hear that so many people are actually liking this story, these little inserts in Lorelai's life. I wasn't sure if they'd get read at all, but I like getting those little emails that say review, so please? It's really not difficult and they make my day! Leave some love!**


	4. July 4, 1985

**A/N: Here is the next entry; I'm having a fun time writing this. I certainly plan on continuing this for awhile, into the series for sure. I think. Well, I'm going to post this now; I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. **

**You know how to tell me if you did.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

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July 4, 1985

What a crazy place I have come to call home. Today was the Fourth of July, Independence Day and Mia gave me the day off. I was really hesitant about that. I've worked six days a week since I started here just over a month ago. It seems a lot I know, but it really isn't. I mean, well, yeah, it's a lot but I appreciate the job so much that I'm fine working hard. That and I am saving every cent I get. I want to buy a house for Rory and me; we can't live in the shed forever.

Babies are expensive too.

Mia has been a wonderful employer and friend. She set up a play pen in her office where Rory spends her days while I'm working or I have this little baby carrier thing that she got me that I strap Rory in and I can carry her around with me while I work too. It's great.

But, back to Independence Day and my first holiday away from my parent's house and this little drabble.

It seems fitting that my first holiday on my own is Independence Day huh? I'm not only celebrating the country's independence but my own. I'm celebrating my freedom, my self-discovery journey into adulthood. Seems ironic, I can't even buy a pack of cigarettes or a lottery ticket but I have a daughter and I'm living on my own.

God, tequila and ten minutes really can really change your life in the blink of an eye.

But anyways.

The people of this town are absolutely wonderful. I ventured into the heart of Stars Hollow today with Mia for their Fourth of July festival. It was beautiful. The whole town was decorated in red, white and blue and there was a band playing the gazebo and there were carnival games and people everywhere.

According to Mia people come from all over for Stars Hollow's festivals. I feel lucky claiming this town as my home. Mia, thankfully, could tell that I wasn't up to talking to tons of people and having their prying eyes sent towards me, so we stayed off to the side and of course I left early, the excuse used that I had to get Rory to bed.

Though I did meet a few people and I can tell, hopefully, that this town will welcome me with opening arms.

Here is a rundown of some of the people I met today.

So, the couple I ran into the first night I was in town, the couple who told me about the Independence Inn (yeah, about that too, how ironic), I finally meet officially today. It's Babette and Morey. According to Mia they are a very sweet, yet strange couple and after talking to them tonight I whole-heartedly agree. They were pulling their cat along in a wagon with a little house attached. Apparently, they weren't able to have kids themselves so Cinnamon, the cat, is their 'baby.' Strange, but hey, whatever floats their boat.

I also met the head of the town gossip tonight, Miss Patty. She runs the dance studio in town and knows everything about everything in town. She seems very friendly and I can't wait to get to know her more. She's already trying to get me to sign Rory up for dance lessons, but I think I'll wait till she can walk and run before I try the whole dance thing.

Then there was Kirk. I'm not even sure that words would be able to accurately describe this guy. He didn't seem that much older than me, maybe three or four years, I do know he's out of high school now, but he still lives with his mother. Mia said she's only met the woman once and that was quite an occasion. Despite his young age he seems to be able to do almost anything, or at least he thinks he can do anything. He prided himself on telling me that currently he's working four different jobs. That I can't believe. I'm having a hard enough time working one, but then again I have Rory to think about too.

Taylor Doose, owner of Doose's market is someone I'd rather not run into again, but I guess that is going to be impossible. He's the town selectman and he oversees everything that happens in Stars Hollow that coupled with him being the owner of the market, I'm bound to see him, quite a bit. He didn't seem to like me much, but Mia says that he acts that way with everyone. That made me feel a lot better. I guess that is his way of showing he cares? I don't know, we'll see.

After meeting the strange occupants of the town I walked around aimlessly for a bit, trying to get my bearings.

That is when I saw him, the same man that helped me at the bus station the night I left my parents; he was walking out from the cemetery by the church, a sad expression on his face. I wanted to talk to him, to thank him for his help, but I didn't reach him in time. He disappeared, almost literally before I could reach him and I didn't have a clue as to which way he went.

I wonder if he lives here, in Stars Hollow. If he does I surely hope to run into him again. Maybe I'll ask Mia about it.

Even though I've blocked out a lot of this last part of my entry for tonight, I figured I should indeed document in for the future. In case anyone decides to take my life and make a movie or TV show about it, I want it to be as accurate as possible. Then I'd be famous.

I'm rambling again, back on topic.

I finally made contact with my parents. Well, my dad actually.

I'd put it off and avoided the subject with Mia for weeks after I moved here and started working for her.

Weeks.

Till she finally cornered me and forced me to talk. To talk about my past, Chris, my parents, Rory, to talk about it all. I didn't think I'd ever want to talk about the past with anyone, but oddly enough I found it very easy to open up to Mia and all at once everything spilled out, including the tears that I'd been holding in for so long.

Maybe that's why she forced me to take today off, since this nice conversation happened just yesterday. God, just yesterday, it feels like it was ages ago. But then again, my now almost six month old daughter is growing way too rapidly for my liking. I swear they were just placing her in my arms for the first time last week.

I'm off again and rambling. I can't seem to stay on topic tonight, my mistake.

She told me I should really call my parents; let them know that I was alright, and possible tell them where I was.

I agreed for contact but no information, I couldn't handle if my parents showed up demanding me to come home.

And they would, I know that.

So, I called my dad yesterday, at his office, knowing that I could talk to him without my mother's input and criticism. To say I was shocked at the conversation would be putting it very mildly.

"Mr. Gilmore's office," Margie, my dad's secretary answered, way to cheery just like normal.

I took a deep breath in before answering quietly, "I need to speak to Mr. Gilmore please."

I tried to make my voice sound calm and collected, though it wasn't working too well. I was nervous, and frankly, can you blame me?

"Of course," Margie replied and I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle the woman, "may I ask who's speaking."

"Um," I hesitated, "it's Lorelai."

"Oh," Margie gasped, "of course Miss Gilmore, one moment please."

She knew. Of course she knew, my dad wouldn't be able to function with Margie, so it only made sense that she would know after a month that I'd vanished, leaving behind nothing more than a note and my childhood.

My dad's voice came on the line forceful and urgent, "Lorelai? Lorelai, where are you? How could you just leave like that? What were you thinking? How are you? Are you alright? How is Rory?"

"Dad," I started, my voice shaking, "I'm fine daddy. Rory and I are fine."

"Where are you?" he asked, "I'm coming to get you right now." 

"No," I told him, my voice finally starting to sound confident, "I'm not going back."

"What are you talking about? Of course you're coming home; your mother and I have been worried sick."

"I called so you wouldn't have to worry," I answered, "but you have to understand, I'm not going home."

"Lorelai Victoria Gilmore," my dad said sternly and I shook my head, as if he could see me.

"Daddy please," I interrupted, it was no or never. "I can't raise Rory like that. I won't raise Rory like that."

"But…"

"I can't daddy," I insisted and I heard him sigh softly.

"I understand," he answered quietly and to be honest I almost dropped the phone. "You never embraced this lifestyle."

"It's just not for me daddy," I told him and I could see him in my head nodding in agreement.

"Are we ever going to see you and Rory again?" he asked hesitantly.

"Of course," I answered quickly, "I wouldn't keep her away from you. It probably won't be often though."

"How can we contact you?"

"Um," I stammered, "I still didn't really want him knowing exactly where I was, is that really horrible.

"Please Lorelai," he asked, "I won't try to bring you back and I'll keep your mother away, but I need to know that if something happens we can call you and tell you."

I could hear the tears in his strained voice and that broke my heart. My father was a business man, he didn't cry, he didn't show emotion, ever, but in this call I'd heard so much. I rambled off the Inn's phone, telling him that was a work number he'd be able to leave me a message I'd get almost instantly. After a few more murmured words and his promise again to keep my mother at bay we hung up the phone. Setting the phone back down on the hook in Mia's office I sat back in her car and sighed. That is when a few stray tears trickled down my face.

Quickly wiping them away I got up and went to finish my shift.

Yesterday feels like it was weeks ago. That simple phone call, I have a hard time believing it actually happened just yesterday.

I'm exhausted now.

You would think a day of relaxing and not working would keep me pumped with energy, but nope, I'm here, curled up in my bed, my sleeping daughter beside me and my eyes are starting to droop, so this is where I sign off and say goodnight.

Tomorrow I'll be back at work and strangely enough, I can't wait.

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**A/N: Please review. I know I beg at the end of each post, but I really enjoy getting them. Hope you liked, but even if you didn't tell me. **

**Thanks!**


	5. December 17, 1985

**A/N: Here is another entry for this little snid-bit of fun. I wasn't sure if I was going to continue this, because I've got some other stuff in the works, but after revisiting it, I decided to keep it. I hope you enjoy this.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own.**

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December 17, 1985

Tonight is my parents' annual Christmas party and I'm not there. This is the first year I haven't attended since I was born, literally. Even when I was six and sick with the chicken pox my mom made me attend.

This feels oddly liberating.

Okay, so that sounds silly. I'm seventeen, with a one year old, living on my own, and working to provide for my daughter and yet not attending one stupid party makes me feel free. Does that make sense to you? Yeah, I didn't think so.

But hey, whatever works right?

So anyways, it's been just over six months since I first left my parents' house and the time has been crazy. Really.

After I called and talked to my dad at Fourth of July I've spoken to him at least once a month. It has been good too, no fights or yelling. Dad keeps me caught up with things in Hartford and I tell him all about Rory and Stars Hollow.

And you know what's funny; mom still doesn't know where we are. Dad didn't tell her that he knows.

Now, he told her that I contacted him, let him know we were fine and taken care of, but that is it. She doesn't know that for Rory's first birthday he sent a gift, an outfit for her that Margie helped him pick and a baby blanket. And can I just tell you, Rory loves that blanket.

She doesn't know that just yesterday we receive a package from him for Christmas.

She'd kill him if she knew.

Okay anyways, where was I?

Oh that's right, the Christmas party.

My dad tried to convince me to come, I all but laughed at him. I knew I couldn't. Not with being gone for six months without speaking to my mother once. I would never hear the end of it if I attempted to show up.

Dad tried to bribe me with apple tarts.

Oh dear god the apple tarts. Every Christmas we would have these wonderful apple tarts, they are some sort of family recipe I believe, but they are pure heaven. I can't remember how many times I've tried to convince mom to have them made at other times of the year but she's always refused.

Even the year I turned eight and that is all I wanted for my birthday party were the apple tarts she still said no.

Rambling again, sorry.

Anyways, like I was saying, dad tried to bribe me to come but I politely declined. I wasn't about to throw myself to the wolves, and that is exactly what I would be doing.

So, right now, instead of being in a pretty dress, dancing the night away and eating my body weight in apple tarts, I'm sitting on the edge of my bed, watching Rory sleep and dreaming about that perfect Christmas.

And I'm only eating three apple tarts.

You see, my dad sent us a package yesterday. A Christmas present per say. I told him not to get me anything, that there wasn't anything. But of course he refused to let that happen. He sent cash, after I told him that I wouldn't cash a check if he sent one.

I know he did it all out of love, but I still feel weird accepting it.

There are a few outfits for Rory, apparently that mom found and pointed out she like for her and he went behind her back and bought them to send to me. Also, there was a baby book. One of those to fill out all of Rory's first memories and it is so much nicer than the notebook I'd been scribbling all that same stuff in. I'll transfer all that over into the nice book tomorrow probably.

Inside the box I found a note, obviously hurriedly scribbled by dad right before it was to be sent. It actually brought tears to my eyes.

_Lorelai,_

_Merry Christmas. Now, I know that you insisted it was not necessary for me to send you anything; however, I can't possibly go through a Christmas without sending you and Rory something. We'll miss you this holiday season and I wish you would reconsider joining us for the party tomorrow night. But, since I know you won't I've included a few apple tarts for you. I made the cook swear not to reveal to your mother that I requested some early or she'd be sure to get suspicious. You always did seem to favor them._

_I've included some things that I believe you and Rory would enjoy and since you told me you wouldn't cash any amount of check I'd write I sent cash. It's not much but it is something to allow you and Rory to enjoy your first Christmas on your own. _

_I love you Lorelai, I always will. Now that whenever you are ready to come home we'll be here. I'll be here. Even if you just visit, please consider it. Your mother and I miss you. We'll be leaving for the Cape on Monday for our holiday getaway. If there is something you might need please call the office and Margie has been instructed to take care of anything no questions asked. I'm not expecting you to, I know you better than that really, but I just want you to know that I care. _

_Happy Holidays Lorelai. Kiss Rory for me._

_Love,_

_Dad_

So simple, yet so wonderful. And he's right. There is no way I'd ever call Margie, not unless I was dying or in the hospital or something.

So, baring some horrific accident, I won't be taking to my dad before the New Year.

Alright, new topic. Snow. Flakes, flurries, swirls, crystals, whatever form it comes in. I'll

take it. We go back, snow and me. We have a beautiful history.

The first snowfall of the year came about 2 weeks ago, right after Thanksgiving. It was beautiful and just added more magic to the already decorated town square.

Crazy Stars Hollow events. The winter carnival is next Friday and I can't wait. Mia has already told me that she wouldn't take no for an answer about joining her and how could I refuse?

That's right, I couldn't.

Anything holiday related, especially Christmas, I get sucked into and loose myself. I love it. Everything that has to do with the holiday season, it's all so perfect. Sleigh rides, ice skating, snowball fights, hot cocoa, and hot toddies. It's the best time of the year!

Okay, so I'm completely and totally in love with winter, snow, and Christmas…who isn't? 

Rory is almost walking! I know, I know, it's been pages and I'm just now bringing it up. I'm sorry! I couldn't believe it. She pulled herself up on the side of the bed a couple days ago and then fell right back down. She actually hasn't taken a step yet but I know it will be soon.

I can't believe how fast she is growing up.

Before I know it she'll be taking the world by storm doing whatever she wants to do with her life. Graduating high school, going to a top college, becoming the great Rory she is.

And in the end, she'll still be my Rory.

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**A/N: I know it's not the longest installment but I don't want these to be terribly long. I am trying to make them as realistic as possible. The style is based off of my own personal journals. The insane babbling and scattered-brained topics, etc. Please review and tell me what you think! Thanks :)**


	6. February 14, 1986

**A/N: Wow, it's been ages huh? I'm so sorry! This story takes the most for me to write. I think it's more because for this I actually have to become Lorelai for it to work. I have to put myself in her shoes completely. Anyways, I promise I'll try to make the updates more regular.**

**This chapter is dedicated to Copop, my faithful reader and reviewer! I love hearing from you and I hope you like this chapter. I know you were wanting to have it up.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own GG...sad.**

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February 14, 1986 

Happy Singles Awareness Day! He-he. Okay, now really its Valentine's Days. The most romantic day in the whole year. Last year at this time, let's see. I was out with Chris, of course. Probably doing something stupid. I can't really remember now.

Oh well.

I'm working today. Later on, of course, not at this particular moment. I went and got the rooms set up, because I guess the whole in is being rented out by this organization that is doing this romantic couple's weekend getaway. Twenty overly happy, over giddy, overly horny couples checked in today and won't be checking out again until Sunday afternoon.

I'm just thrilled.

I'm trying to kill the sarcasm, really. But, this day started off bad and doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I suppose I should explain. Two words.

Christopher Hayden

OR

Jack Ass

Whichever you would prefer. The latter seems more accurate to me.

The idiot had the audacity to call me this morning. Oh, side note! I was finally able to get a telephone line installed here in the shed. This means I don't have to make all my calls from the Inn or have the desk clerks take messages for me. I have my very own phone. It's this old looking thing that Mia found at a yard sale.

I'm ecstatic.

Anyways, back to the story that will now make much more sense. So, after I got this great line installed, I of course gave my number out. Well, to dad, Chris and of course Mia.

Now, even though I feel like Chris is a piece of scum, I think he should still have a chance to know his daughter. She does share half of his DNA. I think she deserves to have the chance to know him especially.

Back on topic.

So, I got a call this morning. It was right after I had woken up; I hadn't even had a cup of coffee in my system yet, when the shrill ring of the phone blared. It of course woke Rory, which I was not ready for.

Mistake number one.

He started talking like everything was normal and almost like we never went through that stupid messy breakup/me denying his proposal thing. It really threw me off and made me wonder. I realized after ten minutes of him going on and on about school and stuff that he hadn't asked about Rory once since getting on the phone.

Mistake number two.

THEN! He was going on and on and frankly I had tuned him out since I was trying to calm down Rory, who was now awake and super fussy, but then he paused and I realized he had asked me something.

"Sorry, I got distracted. What did you ask?" I asked him, silently praying for Rory to call down.

"I wanted to know what you were doing tonight?" he repeated and I rolled my eyes briefly.

"I have to work tonight," I answered. "We are packed out at the Inn and Mia asked me to work a few extra hours tonight. You could come and hang with Rory though. I think she would like that."

"Oh, well, I dunno…"

"Didn't you want to see her tonight?"

"Well, yeah of course. I was just hoping to see you too."

"I'll be here," I told him, oblivious to his tactic at first. "You should come see her. It's been ages and she's so big now."

"I really wanted to take you out," Chris finally admitted. "Just the two of us."

"Why?"

"Because it's valentine's day…"

"Chris, don't."

"What?"

"I'm not seeing you," I told him forcefully. "I don't want to be a date for you."

"I want to marry you Lorelai."

"I don't want to marry you," I answered. "I thought you would have gotten that by now."

"But…"

"No. I gave this number to you so you could call and talk to Rory and about Rory and actually be a father to your kid. But, if you don't want to do that, then forget it."

"Lorelai wait."

"No, Chris. I'm not waiting. Bye."

I hung up and had to keep myself from throwing the phone across the room. I could feel my blood boiling. I was furious, scratch that, I'm still furious. Well, then not more than two minutes after I hung up on him the phone started ringing again.

I had a feeling it was him, but I answered anyways.

I blame myself for that mistake.

"Lorelai don't hang up," his voice said quickly.

"Why shouldn't I?"

"I love you Lor," he bargained and I let out a choked laugh.

"You have to got to be kidding me Chris," I sighed. "Please leave me alone Chris. If you want to call and talk about Rory then that is perfectly fine. I'm not discussing me and you, there is no us."

"But…"

"That is it Chris," I said. "Have a nice life."

"Lor…"

I hung up before he said anything else and then when the phone rang again I ignored it. I can't talk to him. I just can't. I don't want to fall for his crap. You see, no matter how many times I say I don't feel anything for him my heart still does.

He is the father of my daughter for crying out loud. I think I'll always feel something for him. He was always a charmer too, that was always my downfall.

Stupid jackass Christopher.

Is it so wrong that I just want to find someone who I can love? I do want to get married eventually I think.

I mean, every girl does right?

Is that fair to Rory?

I don't know about that. I mean, is it fair that I won't give her father a chance, but I do want to find a man in a few years to fall in love with and possible make a family with? I need to grow up first.

That's a given.

But then, will I find someone who wants to take me and my daughter on? A ready-made family? What young guy is going to want that? I hope so.

And what about more kids for me?

God, my head hurts right now, too much thinking.

On to something that will make me happy. My little girl.

Rory, dear god, she's getting so big. She's growing up so fast. Her first birthday was great. I had a small little party for her in the Inn. Mia was there, along with Babette and Miss Patty. They love Rory as their own and I can tell she'll be a princess around here.

I don't mind at all. I think the characters of this town will make up for the lack in family that she's going to have to endure.

I've lost contact with my dad. I mean, he still knows where I am and how to get a hold of me. But he isn't happy with the fact that I'm still keeping my mom out of the loop and I haven't talked to him since last month.

I'll tell her eventually.

I think.

Anyways, I still love my parents so much. But I know that mom would demand we move back there and I can't. I won't. I'll stay away until she can understand that I'm on my own and doing fine. Until then…well, sorry.

I'll be eighteen in a couple months. Wow, I can't believe that. Eighteen. I'll be considered a legal adult.

Funny huh?

My daughter will be two in October and I'm just now becoming a legal adult? My life is so twisted.

I'm so tired right now so I'm going to cut this off here. I'm going to try to lay down for a nap before I have to be back at the Inn tonight for turndown service.

So, here's to be single.

Hooray.

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**A/N: Please leave me some reviews! I just love getting them:)**


	7. June 23, 1986

**A/N: Wow, another update in just two days. Are you completely shocked? I'm not. This is what being sick will do to a girl. I'm cooped up at home and not at work, so I've been writing. That would be the reason that all of my stories have been updated in the last few days and more updates are to come. You should be proud Copop! Hopefully now I can keep up the rhythm. I've already got another chapter almost done for another story. So, so far, I'm on a roll! Anyways, I hope you enjoy this and keep enjoying this story!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own. Probably never will.**

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June 23, 1986

I swear I have a genius baby. Well, okay, so she's not so much a baby anymore as she is a toddler, but still, she's so smart. While most kids Rory's age are barely learning to talk in broken sentences she's speaking wonderfully. She's amazingly talented and is just blowing me away. I can't believe she's almost two.

Okay, so I've still got four months before she actually turns two, but it'll be here before I know it. I'm having such a hard time accepting it. Just the other day Mia surprised her with a set of crayons and a coloring book to play with while she sits with her in her office and she colored me the most fantastic picture.

It was a dragonfly sitting on this lily pad and it took my breath away. Probably because my daughter took the time to make it for me, but still, it's now hanging above our bed and it brings a smile to my face each time I look at it. And not because it's colored perfectly, because of course it's not, but because Rory did it.

Every time I look at her I see so much…life. She's my everything, always will be. I'd sacrifice everything for her in a blink of an eye.

Just the other day we were walking in town on the way to Doose's market and Miss Patty and Babette bombarded us with questions and things and Rory was just as sweet as can be for them. Those two are odd, and I'm learning that with each passing day.

This whole town is strange, but I love it.

Wait just a second, Rory is calling. I'll be right back.

**Thirty Minutes Later**

I don't know what I'm going to do. Rory keeps waking up with these nightmares. At least three times a week she'll wake up screaming and crying and begging for me to hold her with no explanation other than she's scared. I wish I knew what she was dreaming about.

I wish I knew a way to stop it.

I feel like I'm a horrible mother because I can't keep her safe in her dreams. Little girls aren't supposed to be having nightmares. Their dreamlands are supposed to be filled with princesses and fairies not monsters and dragons (not that that's what she is dreaming about, but it has to be something horrible right?)

I don't know what to do.

Okay, let's think this through. Maybe I can figure out what is causing this and put a stop to it. The nightmares started about three weeks ago, the first one was on a Wednesday night and they have been happening ever since.

She wakes up at all random times so that doesn't tell me anything. It can happen at any point during the night, but mostly it happens within an hour or two of her first going to bed. I want to be able to figure it out, to shield her from it, but I can't. I don't know how.

What am I supposed to do?

I'm just going to have to keep racking my brain to figure it out. I will eventually, I have to. Maybe I'll ask Mia's opinion tomorrow when she gets in. She'll know what to do; she always knows what to do.

That's the plan. I'll talk to Mia tomorrow and go from there. That is the only thing I can do at this point.

God, I almost forgot. The whole reason I picked up my diary tonight to write in the first place. I saw him again. The guy that helped me at the bus station last May when I was coming into town, yeah him, I saw him again today.

He was walking in town and I couldn't get to him before I lost sight of him again. I have to remember to ask Mia about him. I'm so curious to find out if he lives around here or what. I haven't seen him very often. Only a handful of times in the year we've been here and never at any town functions.

At least, not that I can remember.

I wonder if I have. I mean, there are lots of people I don't know. Lots of people I haven't met yet. Every time I go out it seems I see someone else I've never seen before. I want to know everyone, but I'm still…scared, nervous, anxious, all of the above. I'm eighteen with an almost two year old. People will talk. People will judge. I don't want Rory to have to grow up under the spotlight. I want her to have a normal childhood.

Man. I would love to know who he was though. I would love to say thank you. His help that night made me realize that I could actually do this. Leave my parents' house, leave Hartford, and survive on my own. His simple and kind gesture meant everything to me.

I'll ask about him tomorrow and get the scoop from Mia. She'll be able to tell me.

I should also remember that this isn't Hartford and these people aren't rich society people. Maybe they wouldn't judge me. Miss Patty and Babette seem to run this town and they don't have a problem with it. They love Rory.

Taylor Doose also seems to adore Rory, even through his prickly exterior. I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I just want to be a good mom. Can I do that? I want to say yes…I'm just scared.

God, I'm so scared.

I'm all over the board tonight, but I've got another little tidbit to share. So, I'm back on the outs with my father. I know. I feel horrible, I do, really. But I just can't do what he wants. Around Easter he wanted me to come home for Easter dinner. I refused. Then, on my birthday he wanted me to come home for a birthday dinner. I refused. He told me that night that until I came home for a visit he wouldn't talk to me. He doesn't think it's fair to my mom that she still has no idea where I am or anything about her granddaughter.

And maybe he is right.

I just can't face her. I can't face the judgment I know will be there. I can't face her disappointment again. I dealt with that for seventeen years, I can't do it anymore. She wouldn't be happy knowing I live in a potting shed with her granddaughter, or that I'm working as a maid, or that I've turned down Christopher again.

She wouldn't be happy with any of it.

And I don't want to face that.

I've never purposely wanted to defy or disappoint her. I'm just so different from her. I'm more of a free spirit and I can't stand the pompous rich lifestyle my parent's were bred in. That life isn't for me. It's never been for me.

If I could have gotten away with it I would have run away at age eight. Fluffy dress, cotillions, coming out balls, and all of that has never been important to me. I would have rather been climbing a tree, reading a book, or just simply being a kid than have attended any of that as a kid.

I have vowed to never make Rory do something that she doesn't want to do in that aspect. Now, I know I still have to be the mother and do what is best for her. But…but I can't force her into a lifestyle she doesn't want. I'm going to be her friend first. I want to make sure she knows she can come to me with anything. That she doesn't have to be afraid of me or what I think.

I want to be able to joke around and just be there.

I don't want the relationship with her that my mother and I had. Strained and difficult. I know I eventually have to talk to my mom again. I want Rory to know her grandparents. I do really. I'm just so nervous about their response that I don't want to go back.

Okay, I'm going to put this down on paper now so I can't go back on it. By Rory's fifth birthday I'll make contact with my parents.

That seems reasonable doesn't it?

I think so.

So that is it. I have until Rory's fifth birthday. That is awhile. I want to be in a house by then. I'm working and saving every penny to get there. I know it might take me awhile. But…but I want to do this on my own with no help from my parents.

I can.

I just have to keep telling myself that.

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**A/N: Now, I've been thinking and I'm torn, so I'm going to the readers for help. When I started this I originally was going to keep the basic timeframe and outline of the show and go that way. Now, I'm not so sure I want to. So, since I'm torn, I'm going to ask that you let me know what you want. I want to know if you prefer I keep the outline of the show or do my own thing.**

**Your answers will help me decide. Thanks in advance for the help! I can't wait to hear what you think.**


	8. November 23, 1986

**A/N: Here is the next chapter! I'm so excited how this is going and all the readers. I'm glad that people seem to enjoy it. That just makes me want to write more. As long as people are reading, I'll be writing. So enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing related to GG, other than the dvds that I watch all the time!**

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November 23, 1986 

I almost can't believe that it is Thanksgiving today and that Christmas is in a month. I mean, this year really has flown by. So much has happened and yet, things haven't changed all that much. I'm still working at the Independence as a maid and frankly, I'm actually loving it. I'm still living in the old potting shed with my now two year old daughter and wishing I had a real house. I'm still not talking to my parents at all and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it should.

Do I really have to continue? Please say no, I'm not sure I could.

Granted this is not the life I dreamed of when I was eight, running around the house in my dad's cap and gown waiving his Yale diploma around, but it's my life.

My very own life.

I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. I'm not some stupid, giddy, trophy wife that does nothing but plan parties and go to DAR meetings. Nope, I'm just me. Lorelai Victoria Gilmore.

And while I'm living my own life, I'm also sharing that life with Rory, who well is a part of me. Sometimes lately I've found myself regretting not giving Chris a larger chance. He is her father after all and she deserves to have her father around and in her life. He would be if we were married.

Married to Chris. I try to picture what that would have looked like sometimes late at night when I'm in bed and can't sleep. Sometimes I picture this great life in a small house in a town very similar to this, all smiles and laughter and love. There are siblings in that picture. A blonde haired boy running around with his father and maybe another little girl fills the scene. In my head that picture looks so good and I am tempted to call him.

Then the next picture pops into my head and I jerk my hand back from the phone in disgust. In option two we were married and forced to live with my parents like my father wanted from the beginning. Rory would have been left with a nanny while Chris and I finished school and then we would have moved to New Haven so that Chris could have attended college. When that was finished we would've moved back to Hartford and been thrust into the society we both loathed.

That picture keeps me from calling him.

I didn't lie when I told him I wasn't in love with him. I'm not. Now, I love him. I've known him forever and we have a daughter together. I'll always love him. Those feelings of love though are more platonic than anything else. Though, I have a feeling that if option one was a possibility, I probably wouldn't be a Gilmore right now.

I'm sure whether I should laugh or cry.

Is it really fair to Rory to have to grow up like this? She didn't do anything to deserve this. It isn't her fault that her mother is a screw up and got pregnant a few years to early. I don't regret having Rory or the decision to keep her. That has never been a regret about that, ever. I just wonder sometimes what would have happened if Chris and I would have stayed at the party instead of retreating to my room. Or if he would have had a condom that didn't break.

I would be a freshman at Yale right now getting ready to go home for holiday.

I can't wrap my mind around that.

Would I change that night if I could? If I could go back in time and warn the naïve fifteen year old that I was to just stay put or I'd be sorry, would I do it?

I don't have a flippin' clue.

I'm torn on that one. I am.

I mean, if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant at that particular time I wouldn't be here, in Stars Hollow living my own life. I'd be at Yale, which wouldn't be bad, but it would still be the high society life that I wanted to escape from. I'd get an education and do something great with my life.

Do I still have that chance? To do something great I mean.

A question for another time I think.

Now on the opposite side of that, if I didn't have sex with Chris on the balcony that night and I hadn't gotten pregnant with Rory, then I wouldn't have her. And she is the highlight of my life. If I waited I couldn't guarantee that she would be Chris' and then she wouldn't be this Rory.

I feel like I'm in a never-ending catch-22. I don't know why I'm feeling all jumbled about this.

Can you blame me though?

I blame this whole meltdown on my period. Yup, that is what I'll do. I'm all over emotional because it's 'that time of the month' for me. Okay, now that I've declared that I'll move on to subjects that won't make my brain hurt or make me depressed.

My dear and darling daughter! Rory amazes me everyday. I still can't believe some days that she is actually my daughter. I made her. We went with Mia last weekend to the annual town garage sale in Woodbury and she found this adorable rooster at this one house and she wouldn't leave the driveway without it.

Thankfully it was a garage sale and that stuffed rooster only cost me a dollar, but it was so cute. The whole rest of the day as I pushed her in her stroller she held on to that thing tightly and made rooster noises. It was just adorable.

God I love her so much.

I'm dreading starting her in kindergarten. Mia keeps telling me not to think about it since I still have three years or so before she'll go in. I know I shouldn't think about it, but sometimes as a mom I can't help it.

Like now, I'm watching her sleep and imagining our lives. I've started a savings for a house. It's going to take me a long time to get all the money for a down payment, I know that, but I'm going to start now and just save every cent I can until I have enough.

I have to. For Rory.

She's the only reason I do anything anymore.

Switching subjects again, but hey, it's my diary so there.

I think I may be going crazy.

Trust me, I'm being totally serious.

So you remember that guy I mentioned who helped me the night I ran away, (okay, ran away sounds so juvenile. Let me rephrase, the night I moved out of my parents' house. Yes, much better.) I talked to Mia about him. Tried my best to describe him and it didn't work. She has no idea who I'm talking about and I haven't seen him since.

Sometimes I think he might have been an angel.

Like that doesn't sound any less juvenile.

But seriously, nothing else makes sense. I wish I knew. I wish I would see him again and finally get to talk to him. I've gone through stacks and stacks of pictures that Mia has in the lobby of the Inn of various Stars Hollow's events with no luck either.

It sucks really.

Okay, so there went the 'lets not get Lorelai depressed tonight,' angle out the window.

Thanksgiving just isn't the same without family around.

Wow, never thought I would ever say that, that I actually want my family around. I think I'm more tired that I originally thought and this is where I turn in.

I need sleep to calm my brain down. Wish me luck.

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**A/N: So, here is the next update! Whoo-hoo for me! I haven't decided what I'm going to do about the whole keep with the storyline of the show or go off on my own. I've got ideas both ways. I'm going to write a bit more on the early years before I make my final decison. You'll known when I do. But for now, please review! I just love getting them!**


	9. August 30, 1988

**A/N: Here's another update! Whoo-hoo! I'm so happy to have this done. Now, I think I have figured out what I'm going to do and you won't necessarily know in this chapter, but the next one. I'm so excited for it! I hope you like this new update. Please review…they are the sustain I need to keep going. I just love getting them. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own GG. I'm not feeling very original today so this is the only disclaimer you will get.**

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August 30, 1988

Wow, it's amazing what a little cleaning will produce. A dusty old journal I had nearly forgotten about. Okay, not nearly, but I had. Forgotten about this I mean. I feel horrible. Wait, so I'm apologizing to a book that I haven't touched in, what a well over a year or so? Maybe I am crazy.

I don't doubt it.

I still can't believe how long it's been. I'm trying to rack my brain and figure out where to start.

First off, I'm tired of calling you book. You need a name. A pretty, simple, yet elegant name.

Have any suggestions for yourself?

Don't rush me, I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Mary? No, too normal I think for you.

Veronica? No…too something.

Wow, this is a lot harder than I thought it would.

Wait, I've got the perfect name for you. From this moment forward you shall be known as…

Drum roll please…

Maddie.

Why have I named you Maddie you ask, well I'd be happy to explain.

On my first day of kindergarten I was so nervous. Petrified actually. I held my tied-dyed lunch box close to my side and nervously played with one of my braids as I looked around the huge classroom feeling quite awkward.

The nanny dropped me off at my classroom, waived, and then was gone.

I was alone and terrified.

That is when Maddie Alexander first introduced herself.

She offered to let me play with the Barbie she had brought with her to school that morning and it was an instant connection.

We stayed friends all through elementary school and well into sixth grade, before she moved with her family to Texas. Dallas I think.

So, you my old friend are now Maddie. It'll be a little less awkward spilling all my emotions to a book that I can pretend is one of my oldest friends. It makes me feel a little less crazy. If that's possible.

Okay, now that I've got that taken care of I can move on to other things.

Rory is getting so big; she'll be four in October. Four. I can't believe it. And then in another year she'll be starting kindergarten and will have to find a Maddie for herself. She doesn't have any friends really right now. I mean, she plays with Mia and a few of the other employees at the Inn but she needs friends her own age. It's just been hard.

I haven't really tried to make myself welcome in town. I'm much more comfortable here at the Inn and in the potting shed. I guess I'm just worried about the pointed looks and judgment that I've faced so often.

I can't pretend not to hear some of the things I've heard. I know I should try…but. Mia tells me to try to not let it bother me, but, I can't help it. That is why I've kept mostly to myself and the Inn over the past year. It's easier that way.

I'm being a coward. I know that. Please don't make me feel worse about it. Next year I'll have to suck it up because I can't keep Rory from school. She's so smart already I know she is going to excel in school.

I just know being a twenty one year old, dropping off my soon-to-be five year old next fall will get some interesting looks. I don't want to think about it now; I still have a year to deal with it. So, I won't let myself get weirded out yet.

Rory right now is doing the most adorable thing. I've recently gotten a sewing machine; Mia found it at an estate's sale and brought it home for me. It's much cheaper to make Rory clothes with as fast as she is growing, and I keep it on the shaky table here in the shed. I keep it unplugged while I'm not using it, but Rory will get up on the chair and pretend to sew. It is so adorable. I think she may be trying to sew her doll's hands together right now.

While she's doing it, she'll talk to herself. Quiet little mumblings that really don't make any sense, but it is still the most adorable thing in the whole world. I just love my daughter.

The other night there was a wedding at the Inn and thankfully I didn't have to work so we sat outside on the grass in front of the shed and listened to the music and danced. It was a perfect night.

I'm so lucky with a daughter like Rory. The entire staff of the Inn adores her. Chef Jenkins calls her an angel child. She's so even tempered and polite. I like to think that I'm doing a good job raising her. I know I can't provide her all the material things that other mothers can provide their daughters, but I make sure to shower her in love. She will never go a minute in her life thinking she is a hindrance or unloved.

I know how that feels and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, ever.

But, as for the staff, it is a comfort to know that so many people are looking out for us. Jenkins makes sure that we are both fed everyday. And his food is amazing. He mentioned to me the other day over the lunch we had that he is thinking about retiring though. That makes me sad. Jenkins is an older man and our harsh New England winters are hard on him. His family wants him to retire to Florida. I don't blame him for considering it; I just hope that Mia can find someone as wonderful as he is.

It will be hard. He's like the grandfather I never had. I'll miss him. Okay, I'm starting to tear up so I need to get away from this subject.

To more happy thoughts. Now, I'm trying to figure out what might actually be considered happy thoughts, because things are tight right now. But, I am happy to report that I have saved quite a handful of money over the last year to be put towards buying a house.

I've got about one thousand saved. I know, it's not much. Not by a long shot, but slowly and surely I'll get enough. We've scrimped on everything. We get our meals from the Inn, I sew most of Rory's clothes from my old ones, and I only have a few outfits besides my Inn uniform that I wear most of the time. We don't go into town. But I already explained the reason for that partially. I just don't spend money if I don't have too.

Rory and I find other ways to amuse ourselves and spend our time.

Mia takes good care of us anyways.

I love Mia like she was my own mother. John and Jacob are very lucky to call her mom. John just got back from college in California and is now helping Mia expand the business. He wants her to open some more Inns around the area and maybe even the country. It's a great idea I think. John is amazing at the business aspect of it all. He and his fiancé are nice too. I wish I could be apart of the family for real instead of the outsider.

Maddie will I ever stop feeling like I'm an outsider?

Some days I would answer yes and some I would answer no.

I guess I will just have to wait.

Which sucks, Maddie. I've never been much of a patient person. It is something I'm a trying to learn though. I'm trying to be patient.

Okay weird. Talk about destiny or fate or something weird like that, but I think you were trying to tell me something there Maddie. When the wind blew the pages flipped back and all the sudden I was on the page were I promised to visit my parent's house on Rory's fifth birthday.

Spooky.

I've haven't forgotten about that. No matter how hard I have tried. I have over a year still. Rory isn't even four yet. Close, but not yet. I'm not letting myself think about it until I absolutely have too, and I would appreciate Maddie, if you would let me do that. So no more page turning reminders, okay?

Okay.

Now to be honest with myself, I miss my dad. I know, there has been a crack in the space time continuum or something, but I do. I miss him terribly. It isn't my fault that I don't speak to him though. He is the one who decided to take my mother's side. He knew how I felt about it and yet he still took my mother's side. I can't see her. I can't talk to her and he should know that.

I wonder how they are doing. Did they vacation in the Cape this summer like every other year? Are they now planning their Europe vacation like every other fall since before I can remember? How many maids has my mother gone through since I left? A hundred? A thousand? I don't know.

I hope they are doing well. Even though I don't want to talk or see them, I still want them to be well.

What kind of daughter would I be if I didn't want them to be well? I can't afford to be a more horrible daughter than I've already been.

Oh, Rory is starting to really yawn. I should get her ready for bed, which means Maddie that I'm going to have to put you up for the night. Now I can promise it won't be another year before I write in you again. I'm going to make sure I keep you out where I can see you everyday so I know to keep writing.

You've been a good friend and I know that we'll have many more moments to share in the future.

Here's to the future.

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**A/N: Please leave some reviews and let me know what you think! I love getting them and they totally make my day! Until next time…**


	10. November 24, 1988

**A/N: So, this is a good chapter I think. (I hope everyone else thinks so too.) It is setting some major groundwork for future chapters and what I've decided to do. Please review and let me know what you think! I love hearing, no matter what!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own GG.**

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November 24, 1988

Happy Thanksgiving Maddie!

I've so got this whole working holiday thing down. It actually was a great day. I mean really, really amazing. I'm getting ahead of myself though. This whole week really has been incredible. So much has happened; I'm not sure where to start.

I guess it would be good to start at the beginning huh?

Holiday weeks are always the busiest here. Lots of people traveling, visiting family, and enjoying the comfort of a small Inn in the heart of Connecticut keeps us busy and on our toes. It makes the days go by faster though and that is never a bad thing. Anyways, so I knew that Mia would be gone this week. Or at least, that is what I thought.

Apparently a change of plans though kept her here with the family flying in to celebrate here. Mia was so excited when I saw her on Monday. Jacob would be coming home from his freshman year of college, John was driving in with his fiancé from South Carolina and even Mia's sister Janice would be joining them.

Monday morning Mia asked me to make sure that they had rooms prepped for John and Kelli since they would be staying there and Janice, plus we had a rather large family coming in for the holiday as well that needed some extra attention. And Mia asked me to handle it, ME! I was so thrilled; to be in charge of set up for a large party is a great responsibility. It lifted my spirits that she thought of me enough to handle it.

I wanted to make sure that I proved to her I could and that she had made the right decision so I threw myself into prep. I spent hours on Monday making sure that all twelve rooms were perfect in every degree, right down to the folds on the towels and the placement of the pillow mints.

Everything had to be perfect.

The Holstons' (the large family party) started showing up around four that afternoon, in just about perfect timing. Now, I was exhausted, completely, but overly exhilarated at the same time. It is so strange for me to get so excited about cleaning and prepping a dozen rooms, but I was. By six I was able to take Rory and go home. I pretty much collapsed into bed right away, but it didn't faze me.

The next morning is when it really started turning my way. When I got to sign into work this morning, the desk clerk Patrick told me that Mia wanted to talk to me. I can't lie and say I wasn't nervous, because I was terrified. I had already told her that I would keep Rory with me today; she likes to help me with making the beds.

I have a weird child, I know that.

But anyways, so I went to talk to Mia, and Patrick took Rory to get some breakfast from Jenkins. I couldn't help but be nervous. I mean, come on Maddie, you would have too, right? Seriously. Just the day before I had been given this huge responsibility, that I thought I had done well with, really, and then my boss wants to see me first thing the next day. I was ready to pass out.

I knocked on the door of her office before I had a chance to flake out.

"Come in," Mia called to me through the closed door and I took a deep breath before pushing it open. My heart nearly stopped when I saw Michael Holston sitting in one of the chairs opposite Mia. "Lorelai dear, good morning. This is Michael Holston, Mr. Holston this is Lorelai Gilmore."

"It is a pleasure to meet you Miss Gilmore," Mr. Holston replied warmly and I was able to begin breathing again. "You have done such a wonderful job making us feel welcome."

I nodded, with a half smile, not sure I would be able to get any words out. Mia took over the silence.

"Lorelai have a seat," she commanded and I quickly did so. "Mr. Holston wanted to thank you for the work you did yesterday to make sure their rooms were ready and they were settled."

"I was just doing my job," I answered before I actually knew what I was saying.

"Nonsense," he exclaimed, "you were there yesterday making sure everything was just right. My family and I are very grateful and would like to thank you properly."

I looked between him and Mia questioningly, wondering what was about to happen. I wasn't even sure I could guess in the slightest.

"For your dedication to our holiday and all your hard work please accept this bonus from myself and my family," Mr. Holston continued, handing me a plain white envelope. "With the service you provide here I guarantee that I will be visiting again and recommending you to all of my acquaintances."

I didn't catch the last part very well as I was staring solely at the envelope in my hand all thoughts meshed together in nothingness. Before I knew it I was alone with Mia and she was just smiling.

"Have you opened it yet?" she asked and I just shook my head. "You might want to while you are sitting." I mutely nodded as I tore into the envelope, my hands shaking. I pulled out cash. Lots of it. Quickly flipping through it I realized there was easily five hundred dollars in twenty dollar bills now sitting in my hand. "Mr. Holston was very adamant about your diligence."

"This is too much," I mumbled, "I can't take all of this."

"Of course you can," Mia argued. "He gave it to you. He's requested your service for the rest of the time they are here as well."

"I don't know what to say," I stammered. "I…"

"You deserve this Lorelai," Mia assured me. "Actually you deserve more."

"More?" I asked, "What do you mean?"

"I'm offering you a promotion," Mia stated simply, "I want you to be the head maid. You'll oversee the other maids, take and handle complaints, and oversee our staffing."

Speechless.

There were literally no words in my head. I didn't know what to say. I honestly thought I was dreaming.

"You can't be serious," I cried after a second, "I'm too young. There are plenty of others who are more qualified and older and…"

"I want you to have the job," Mia interrupted. "You are my hardest worker and always willing to take extra jobs if I need you too. I want you for this. It comes with extra work yes, but it also comes with quite a substantial pay raise. Think about it."

"Are you sure?"

"I wouldn't be offering it if I wasn't."

"I'll take it! Thank you Mia!"

I couldn't believe what I was saying. I was now the head maid, in charge. Holy shit.

"I'm glad," Mia said smiling. "I couldn't have anyone better. Now, I'll have the paperwork filed today and you'll see the raise on your next paycheck. The announcement will be maid to the rest of the staff today as well and tomorrow you start your new position."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. Your work will far outweigh any words."

"Thank you Mia," I gushed.

Can you believe it Maddie? I'm the new head maid of the Independence Inn AND I got a five hundred dollar bonus. There are no words for the extent of happiness I've been in over the last few days.

You wanna know what is even crazier?

That is only the tip of the iceberg. So much more has happened. I've got to keep going. So, the promotion happened on Tuesday, two days ago, and the rest of the day was a breeze. The announcement was made and Jenkins prepared a congratulatory dinner for Rory and me. We even got ice cream sundaes.

I was flying.

Hell, I still am.

Okay, so Wednesday my new position actually started and honestly it wasn't much different than before, only now I had to make sure that the other nineteen maids on staff were doing what they were suppose to be.

Understand this, I'm twenty years old, the youngest of the maids here and I'm 'in charge' of the rest of them now. I was nervous at first that some of the ladies would be upset about my promotion. I was wrong. That eased my mind. Everyone seemed to welcome my new position and things ran really smoothly.

Now, this is where it gets really exciting. I'm just bursting at the seams here to tell you honestly. This week has been one magically week. Ah, I really need to explain before I go all cookoo. So, Wednesday afternoon, I'm finishing something up, I really don't remember now, and I was in the lobby and I saw him.

The man who helped me at the bus stop the night I left my parents' house.

I'm not crazy! (That made me feel good. He-he, dirty I know.)

There he was, standing in the middle of the lobby, carrying something resembling a wooden turkey, and he was talking to Mia. (I'm assuming I didn't do a good job describing him when I tried to see if she knew him because they seemed friendly, almost like they knew each other.)

I had to make a move.

"Excuse me Mia," I boldly interrupted, crossing my fingers she wouldn't' be upset, "I have a question for you."

"Of course Lorelai," Mia said to me.

"Why Mia, who is this remarkable young lady?" the man asked and I looked directly into his eyes. They were the same warm shade of blue they had been on that night so many years ago and it was all I could do to not throw my arms around his neck in thanks.

"William this is Lorelai Gilmore, she has been working here for a few years," Mia introduced me and I nodded shyly. "She just recently accepted a promotion to be my head of the service department. Lorelai this is an old friend William Danes."

"Congratulations Miss Gilmore," William said.

"Please call me Lorelai," I insisted. "Actually, Mr. Danes, we've met before."

"We have?" he asked, looking at me curiously and Mia shot me the same look.

"You probably don't remember," I went on to explain, "but it was at the Hartford bus station about three and a half years ago."

"You had a baby," William mentioned, "and an armful of bags."

"Yup," I confirmed. "I always wanted to meet and say thank you. You have no idea how much your help meant to me that night Mr. Danes."

"What a small world," William chuckled. "I had no idea you were coming here. Oh and please call me William."

"I didn't at the time either to be honest," I explained. "I just needed to get away. Your help though, I dunno, it just lifted my spirits."

"I'm honored you think so," William said, "Mia, this girl is a delight."

"She is," Mia agreed, "Lorelai why don't you join William and me for lunch. You can take your break now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes of course," Mia exclaimed.

"Please join us," William added, "I'd love to get to know you a bit better."

"Well okay then," I agreed. "I just want to let Karen know where I'll be in case Rory needs me."

"Your daughter?" William asked me and I nodded. "She can join us as well if you'd like."

"She should be napping right now," I explained glancing at the clock. "If she's not I'll bring her."

"Sounds good," Mia said, "we'll be in the dining room."

Rory had been napping so it was just me that had lunch with Mia and William and can I just say he is just as amazing as I thought he would be. Mia apologized later for not putting things together as to the mystery helper that night. It's not a big deal though, I understand. It's hard.

William runs a hardware store in town and made me promise to bring Rory by sometime soon. I think I will. I learned a lot about him yesterday. His wife passed away ten years ago to cancer, leaving him with a thirteen year old son and an eleven year old daughter. Liz, his daughter, is just a year older than me and has a son herself Rory's age and Luke, his son is away at college right now. I can't remember where though. He'll be graduating in the spring with a degree in business management, I wonder if he plans on running the hardware store after his father? I could tell William was proud of him though, his eyes sparkled when he talked about him.

Liz seems to be more of a heartbreak for him, getting pregnant and married so young and then to have Jess' father (that is her son's name) leave her only a few months after Jess was born. I can tell it's been hard for him.

I can't wait to meet Liz. She seems like a cool girl, someone I would be able to get along with nicely. And if Jess and Rory became friends, well, that would be even better. Rory needs some good friends and according to William, Jess is a smarty pants too. Liz is supposed to be bringing Jess around in a couple weeks; I hope I get to meet her while she's here.

I had Thanksgiving dinner with Mia and her family today. It was nice. I didn't stay too long, but Rory loved the attention. Mia is going to make a spectacular grandmother to John and Jacob's kids. They are very lucky indeed.

I love the holidays, even now Maddie. Christmas season is now coming upon us. I can't wait for snow and decorations and everything winter! But for now I'm going to retire for the night. I've got a lot of work to do tomorrow.

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**A/N: So you know now. Are you guys happy? I am. It really was a toss up for me, whether to follow the story line or pick a new one. Picking a new one just gives me more liberty to play with the characters how I want. I hope you guys liked this chapter. Let me know what you though please. I'm begging. I'm a review junkie and in desperate need of a fix!**


	11. December 25, 1988

**A/N: Okay, so I've got more for you! I'm so excited. I love being able to update and I think I finally have a way that updates will start coming slightly faster. I won't guarantee it until I've worked it a bit more. Just know, it is my aim. I hope you like this chapter. Some major background info is here. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from GG...**

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December 25, 1988

Merry Christmas Maddie!

This really is the most wonderful time of the year!

I was dreading it to begin with. Not being in contact with family during the holidays can really bring a girl down. And it affected me more this year than I ever thought it would. I mean, last year at this time I was still in touch with my dad and although our relationship was strained, we still had a relationship. Will I ever have a relationship with him again? Any kind of relationship? Has it been ripped apart so badly that we'll never be able to repair it?

Will the answers ever come?

I don't know. But right now I can't dwell on those questions. They'll just get me down again and I'm so tired of being down. I've enjoyed the last several weeks of being happy and carefree and I'm not going to let myself get sucked back into depression.

I'm allowed to be happy right? I say I am so that is going to be it.

I like being happy. I like feeling like I'm apart of a family. A real family. One that actually cares about each other more than just what they are doing.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know my parents care about me, love me even. But they were never good at showing it. It was all stiff hugs, expensive presents, and the 'support' they provided. I use the word support lightly.

Anyways, William has really taken me in as one of his children, and I've never felt so grateful. It also helps that Rory has taken to William so quickly. We went to the hardware store a couple days after I had lunch with him and Mia so he could meet Rory and it was love at first sight.

Rory is so cute around him. She always wants to see 'Grampa Will,' and he doesn't mind it at all. It also seems that being in with the Danes' family as kept me out of any rumor mills by coming into town again. This town seems to respect William Danes in a way I've never seen before. It's amazing. Even Taylor has the sense enough not to cross William.

It's rather funny all in all.

Anyways, about two weeks after Thanksgiving Liz Danes arrived back in Stars Hollow and I finally got to meet her. She's great. I'm really having a great time getting to know her and becoming friends. We've got a lot in common. Hello, the obvious of being both teenage mothers. Now, granted she's got a couple years on me, but still it's a similar experience. Now, granted, she had the support of the town, her family, and even at first the father, but I admire her. She's been through a lot.

At least I knew that Chris didn't want anything to do with Rory from the beginning and not after a year of living together in a different city than my family. Okay, so maybe I'm not giving Chris enough credit. He did propose, several times, but after I told him no, a lot, he bailed. (Haven't heard from him in awhile. Actually I can't remember the last time we heard from him.)

Jimmy didn't leave Liz until about a month ago. He's a jerk too. I swear, the guys in my generation are all assholes. They don't care about anything but themselves and getting some. Am I being stereotypical? Yes. Do I care? No. I'm not sure I'll ever find a guy to settle down with.

I'm not sure I even want to.

But it doesn't matter. I'm fine being single. I'm fine raising Rory on my own. I'm fine only having Rory. Is it my dream?

No.

I always had this dream as a little girl that I would grow up and marry a nice guy who loved me more than anything in the world, have lots of kids, and grow old together in a farmhouse in the country. I'm okay having that dream tweaked though. Dreams don't always come true.

Though it would be a nice change of pace.

I couldn't be having a better time than learning about my new 'family.'

I was looking through some old photo albums tonight with Liz while Jess and Rory were enjoying some classic Christmas cartoons. Liz told me a lot about her mom, Leah. William and Leah had one of those fairytale like romances. They were from Stars Hollow, grew up together, and were best friends.

Then right before they were to start at Stars Hollow High as freshman, Leah's parents moved her across the country to Seattle were her dad had gotten a new job. They were both heartbroken and promised to stay in touch, but after six months of writing faithfully they started growing distant and the letters dwindled. Leah then returned years later to go to school here in Connecticut, at Yale, and made a point to contact him again by visiting William.

They were married about two years later. Leah finished college, commuting everyday. Luke, their oldest, was born close to their sixth anniversary. Liz followed two years later.

That is when the story grew sad. Leah was diagnosed with a rare blood disease when Liz was five and underwent countless treatments with no response. Liz was eleven when Leah passed away. It was all William after that.

William did a good job with his kids. Well, at least with Liz, she's the only one I know. Luke, from what I heard, is the all-American boy. Good grades, great at any sport he attempted, and excelling right now at business school. I'm sure I'll meet him eventually, but he didn't come home for Christmas. William was upset about that, I could tell. He won't admit it, but he was. It makes me think that Luke isn't as good as everyone says he is. I don't want to judge...

Sometimes it is hard though. I say all this stuff about not wanting to be judged myself and yet here I am judging someone I've never met and only heard wonderful things about. I should give him a chance huh? Yeah, I will. No more judging Mr. Perfect until I meet him.

Oops, I just did it again. 'Mr. Perfect?' I really need to practice what I preach. I'm going to start being more careful about that. I'm going to be twenty one in just a few months; it's good to be mature.

I'm glad that Liz is staying around Stars Hollow for good. It will certainly make life more fun for me and Rory. Rory now has a friend that she adores and so do I. I have a good feeling that Jess and Rory will be like William and Leah. Best friends throughout their childhood and into adulthood. I won't comment about the possibility of their 'future.' It's too early to make any guesses there. I like to imagine the chance though. I want Rory to have the world. I'm going to make sure she knows that too.

Speaking of Rory, she is learning to read. She's only four I know, but she's taken to it easily. I'm so proud of her. Jess is too. I'm telling you they hate to be apart. Liz is watching Rory while I'm at work now. She comes and picks her up in the morning and I pick her up in the afternoon. It gives both Jess and Rory a chance to have someone to play with and learn with and Liz enjoys having something to occupy her thoughts and time. Most of the time they hang out with William in the hardware store or in the upstairs office or in the town park. I'm glad that Rory is getting a chance to have a somewhat normal childhood.

I'm so thankful for William and Liz. My life has certainly taken a turn for the better.

I can't help but be happy right now, Maddie. Things are good. I honestly didn't think they'd ever be this good again.

I'm glad I was wrong.

I'm even fine admitting I was wrong. This, for me, is a big step. I guess I really am growing up huh?

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**A/N: So...I'm anxious to find out what you are thinking. Please leave me some reviews...they really are craved! **


	12. April 4, 1989

**A/N: Wow, here it is. The next chapter. I can't believe how long it took me to write and get this updated. This chapter took a little more inspiration than I had at first. And, this chapter is a little different than the previous ones. I hope you like the change…I'd like to know your honest opinion. If you don't like it, the future chapters will be reverted back to before. Thanks for everyone's patience in this chapter. My life has been crazy lately.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own GG. That should be a given.**

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_April 4, 1989_

_I love springtime. I know I say that about pretty much season and I'm not sure if I could necessarily pick one as my favorite, but spring time certainly has its advantages over the other three. I mean with everything growing new and all the flowers blooming. It is almost too perfect. Like out of a fairytale. Flowers are the best part I think. Daises. I love seeing all the daises. They are my favorite flowers and have been since I was seven._

_It's a cute story Maddie and I'd just be thrilled to tell you!_

_Not that you really had a choice in the matter after all, you are a book. But anyways…_

_So, I was seven, probably almost eight, and my dad was gone like normal on some random business trip and I was missing him terribly. For some reason I can remember missing him more that particular time more than some others, but I was sitting in my room on my now infamous balcony playing with the leaves on a nearby tree, wishing that dad would come home._

_Dad ended up surprising me that night with the biggest bouquet of yellow daises I'd ever seen and from then on every time he came home from any type of trip he'd bring me (and mom too) a bouquet of flowers. But the daises were easily my favorite. I think they always will be._

_I miss him._

_I miss my daddy._

_You know Maddie; I haven't called him that in years. I can't remember the last time I called him daddy. But, right now, I want to. I want to hug him and tell him I miss him and that I'm sorry. Why is it so easy for me to want to run back to him but still dread even the briefest thought of my mother?_

_And she is the one thing that will continue to be the force that drives us apart. _

_And I hate that._

_Do I want to resent her? _

_No._

_It's the honest truth Maddie whether you believe it or not. I really don't. But for some reason I just can't get around it. _

_God, I hate that I let myself get so worked up about this. Why can't I just let it all go? Will I ever be able to let it go? A question I'm afraid to answer quite honestly._

_Get over it Lorelai, just get over it._

_Rory and Jess did the cutest thing the other day. Liz and I were simply cracking up! William built them this little play house for the backyard at their house and it was finally warm enough for him to set it up and them to play outside yesterday so Liz and I of course let them. _

_After about an hour of not hearing too much noise coming from outside we went out to investigate and see what they could be doing that would keep them so silent._

_Silent? Two four year olds? We were nervous._

_But it was so cute; they were curled up together in the corner of the house with two books both fast asleep. Rory's head was on Jess' lap with her copy of Meet Samantha the American Girl book series she loves while Jess had a Hardy Boys book laying across his legs._

_It was too cute for us not to take a picture, or five, or them. I can't wait to bring them out when they are older. They are just too sweet together. Jess is a good 'big brother' figure to Rory. He certainly makes sure she is taken care of. _

_I'm glad she has him. That they have each other really._

_I have a good feeling they will have a life long friendship. Now, maybe it will evolve into something more when they are older, but even if it is just a friendship, it will be such a wonderful part of their lives._

_I feel like I'm getting all sappy and emotional and it is probably because I am. It's been a weird several days and I feel like something is up. I'm not sure though._

_William has been acting weird lately. He claims he's fine…but, I worry._

_It's habitual. I can't help it._

_I'm biding my time, hoping he'll say something soon, but I worry he won't. He's the kind of person I've notice to just sweep whatever is bothering him under the rug and that makes me even more nervous._

_Well, speaking of William, I'm running late. Rory and I are headed over there for dinner tonight. I'll pick this up when I get back…or tomorrow, whichever really._

_April 6, 1989_

_I can't get over this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something isn't right. I just can't place my finger on what. It's driving me crazy Maddie, just crazy. I want to believe that nothing is wrong and it is all in my head, but I can't. And I hate it._

_I'm so afraid that something is horribly wrong with William. _

_It terrifies me to even write that._

_You have no idea. I'm not even I sure I do. What would I do if something…?_

_No. I can't think about it. I can't dwell on it. I can't. I won't. I've got to get this out of my mind. _

_You know, maybe it is all due to the impending visit of William's son, Luke. He's supposed to be here for Easter and his spring break from college. I wonder if he'll actually show up this time. Liz wants to believe he will but she doesn't. William is excited for his visit. I'm interested in meeting the infamous Luke Danes._

_I'm nervous._

_Does that make any sense?_

_Nope._

_What in the hell is going on with me? I don't know. I'm not sure I understand. My mind is going like a million miles an hour and I don't know how to put on the brakes. I want to put the brakes. Controlling my thoughts lately has been getting harder and harder._

_So many thoughts all rolling around…_

_God, this sucks. All of it. Worrying, wondering, waiting, hoping, praying…not knowing the future._

_That is what really sucks. The not knowing._

_I'm staying at William and Liz's tonight don't think I mentioned that before… (And yes, that was a blatant attempt to change the subject on myself.)_

_Since I don't have to work tomorrow Liz and I are planning on taking the kids to the zoo in Hartford and William told me that I should just stay here. I love staying here with them. Its fun to be here with William, Liz, and Jess and I know Rory loves it. Jess and her share a room when we're here and I swear they'd stay up all night reading under the covers if Liz and I didn't check on them every little while._

_Those two are two peas in a pod. I pray they have a life long friendship. _

_Someone is at the door and I think everyone else is asleep so I guess I'm getting it…_

Lorelai set the beloved book down on the coffee table and jumped up to answer the door. She couldn't help but be curious, it was late and it was Stars Hollow and everyone is in bed by nine.

Or at least all normal inhabitiants of thier close-knit community.

The knocking started again and Lorelai huffed, "coming!"

When she threw the door open a pair of stunning blue eyes greeted her and she recognized them from hours of pouring over old photo albums with Liz.

"Who are you?" his gruff voice asked indignantly, "Where is my dad?"

"William is already in bed," Lorelai answered coolly, "why did you knock Luke, this is your house."

"How do you know my name?"

"Your dad, Liz, lots of photo album viewing, calm down," Lorelai replied, "you didn't answer my question."

"I don't have a key anymore," Luke answered grabbing his bag, "I lost it."

"Oh, smart move," Lorelai chuckled softly, "guess you're lucky I was here."

"Yeah sure," Luke brushed it off, "can you get out of my way so I can come into my own house?"

Lorelai nodded curtly, annoyed at the brush off William's son was giving her. She moved out of the way and watched as he entered the hall. She couldn't help but admire him. He was tall, like William, with the same shaggy light brown hair but the eyes were Leah's. They were a shade of blue that is unique and special and sparkled with mischief.

"So I missed your name," Luke was saying and it took Lorelai a moment to register the words, "excuse me…"

"Yeah sorry," Lorelai mumbled, "I'm Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore."

"Well, Lorelai, I'm still not sure who you are or what you are doing in my house."

"Well Luke," Lorelai answered with a quizzical look, "I'm a friend of Liz's and your dad's actually. They've been great…"

"How old are you?"

"Excuse me?"

"Your age, what is it?"

"And how is that any of your business?"

"You're in my house."

"In which you haven't been for months," Lorelai bit back, "not Thanksgiving or Christmas. I have been."

"Who do you…?"

"Lucas!" William called from the top of the stairs, "what are you doing here? I didn't think you were coming in until Saturday."

"I was able to get an earlier flight," Luke said simply and shrugged, "I do have a surprise for you on Saturday though."

"Oh really, what is that?" William asked and Lorelai noticed his eyes were genuinely happy for the first time since Christmas.

"You'll see on Saturday," Luke answered. "I'm headed to bed, I'm exhausted. Is my room in the same place?"

William glared at his son in response to the implied hostility, "yes son, your room is the same."

"Just making sure I haven't been replaced," Luke mumbled bitterly. "It seems…"

"Stop," William warned, "we'll discuss this more later."

"Fine. Good night dad, nice to meet you Lorelai."

Lorelai watched the exchange with interest and felt a pang of disappear with the implied slug at her. She wanted to believe that this wasn't the Luke that everyone told her about and that the travel had caused the gruffness in attitude.

When Luke disappeared from sight and they heard the door shut to his room William turned to Lorelai and sighed deeply, "I'm sorry about him…"

"Don't worry about it William," Lorelai insisted, "He's probably just jet-lagged and such. Plus, to see some random girl he's never met before here…"

"Maybe you're right," William mumbled, "I'm going to get to bed. See you in the morning?"

"Yeah," Lorelai nodded, "see you in the morning."

Lorelai couldn't help but shake her head as she turned back towards the living room and collapsed on the couch. She picked up her diary again.

_Well, this is going to be interesting. Welcome back to Stars Hollow Luke Danes._

-----------------------------

**A/N: So? What do you think? I love to hear your opinions. Please let me know! Reviews are the best…and I can't wait to get them. (That was a more than subtle hint and plea for you to hit the little purple button at the bottom of your screen, type a few words and hit submit. Get to it people!)**


	13. April 8, 1989

**A/N: Hola! I'm back! I know that people were not exactly thrilled with 'Asshole Luke,' but be assured it is all apart of my twisted AU mind. I've got a plan…it'll work out. You'll just have to deal with him for awhile more. I hope you guys can do that. I'd sure appreciate it. Anyways, here is the next chapter, the longest in the story so far. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls. I just take ownership for my twisted ideas.**

**-----------------------------**

_April 8, 1989_

_Holy hell, talk about tension Maddie. This house is so thick with tension it could be cut with a butter knife. This feels worse than any of the tension that was so apparent in my childhood home and I didn't think that was even possible. I had a feeling that Luke Danes wasn't all he was cracked up to be, but this is just ridiculous._

_He is a complete ass._

_Well, okay, a partially complete ass._

_I can tell he loves his family. He loves his family very much, but he's also got this wall built up around him, this gruff exterior that he doesn't want anyone to intrude on. It's almost scary the amount of effort he places in pushing people away. It's like a hobby for him. He won't allow himself to open up or appear friendly to anyone really. Though, I haven't really seen him interact with anyone except William, Liz, and Jess. I haven't let myself be around while he's at the store or in town, I'm afraid to see what that could be like._

_I wonder what caused him to be like this. It had to have been hard on him to watch his mother suffer so from a disease no one could cure. To attend her funeral at such a young age and then to watch his family fall apart around him probably only added to the hurt he'd already been through. I wonder if that was only the tip of the iceberg though. I keep meaning to ask Liz about it more, but I haven't got the chance. I'll have to try today or tomorrow._

_I pity him. I can assure you Maddie that pity is probably the last thing he wants…or needs…but I can't help it. The feeling is there, pure and concrete pity._

-----------------------------

Luke paced the small lobby of the Hartford airport waiting for the screen to finally announce the arrival of a certain plane. He knew he should have warned them, his dad and Liz, but every time he started to he had chickened out. He wasn't sure why, but now it was too late.

That was the reason he came back early after all, to tell them. His father mainly.

He almost wished he wouldn't have now. A pair of stunning blue eyes were now etched in his memory and his blood began to boil, again.

What could his father have been thinking inviting that…that girl into his home. A single, teenage mother? It was bad enough being tainted by Liz and her poor decisions, but now to have his family linked with another scandal was not what he needed. He still loved his sister and tried to be the best uncle he could to Jess who needed a good male figure in his life, but there was something about having that legacy follow him that seemed almost daunting. He didn't want to know what his mother would think.

He couldn't get her or her daughter out of his mind now though and that was making it even more worse than he would admit.

"Luke?" a familiar voice called through the crowd, "there you are! It's so great to finally be here."

"I'm glad you're here," he replied pulling the body close and pressing his lips to hers. "God I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, babe," she told him a smile breaking over her red covered lips. "I finally get to see where my fiancé grew up."

-----------------------------

_On a different note Maddie, the zoo yesterday with Liz and the kids was great. They had such a blast. We invited William and Luke but both declined. We wouldn't let that ruin our day though._

_Rory adored the penguins, they were her favorite by far. We probably would have spent all day in front of their cage if I had let her. She was just enamored with them. I do have to say they were pretty cute._

_Jess on the other hand chose to prefer something more…manly, I guess. He could not get over the rhinos. He just stopped and stared and gawked. He made quite a scene when we wanted to move on, but of course eventually fell into step behind Liz._

_He declared only moments later his dream job for when he 'grows up.'_

"_Mommy," he asked, "can I be a zoo keeper when I grow up? That is what I want to be."_

"_You can be whatever you want," Liz automatically answered and pulled him into a quick hug before leaning ducking into the bathroom for a minute._

"_Awesome," he answered with a quick pump of his fist into the air. "I'm going to have at least one of every animal in the whole world at my zoo and it will be open all the time for anyone to visit…"_

"_That's a dumb job," Rory said flippantly looking at Jess like he had two heads._

"_Rory," I scolded, but was pointedly ignored by both children._

"_Is not," Jess rebutted, "it's the best job in the universe."_

"_It is a dumb job. Who would want to work with smelly animals all the time?"_

"_I would."_

"_Well then you're dumb."_

"_I'm not dumb."_

"_Yes you are."_

"_Am not, you are. Besides, what do you want to do that you think would be better?"_

"_I'm going to be a journalist," Rory said simply and my ears perked up. I knew she loved watching the news and reading the magazines that sat in the lobby of the Inn but this was the first I'd ever heard of a possible career. Then I had to stop myself, she's four, who knows if this is actually going to be a life-long obsession._

"_A journalist?"_

"_You know," Rory explained, "the people that write for magazines and newspapers and who talk on the TV about the news and such."_

"_Why do you want to do that?"_

"_Cause I'd be able to travel all over the world and meet all sorts of cool people," Rory said with a tone that screamed 'duh.' "Then I could be famous."_

"_I won't read you."_

"_Yes you will."_

"_No I won't."_

"_Will too."_

"_I won't read some silly, dumb girl."_

"_I'm not dumb."_

"_Enough," I finally broke in, "neither of you are dumb. You are the two smartest kids I know and you can be whatever you want. If you want to be a zoo keeper Jess than you do that and Rory if you want to travel and be a journalist you can do that. But you have to stay friends and be nice to each other. No more fighting."_

_They both nodded their heads before glancing at each other warily. Thankfully we didn't hear another taunting or argument from them the rest of the day. They went right back into their happy, friendly selves. That is something I can deal with much more easily than the bickering._

_Seeing them, arms linked and happy smiles on their face was a lift in spirit. The fights that four and five year olds have can be comforted with the realization that they can be fixed with a simple 'I'm sorry,' and a hug between friends._

_I wish everything was that easy to fix and mend._

-----------------------------

"I can't believe you didn't tell him," She exclaimed angrily her arms crossed over her chest, "you promised Luke. You promised you would."

"I know," Luke responded clutching the wheel of his old truck till his knuckles turned white. "I'm sorry, I just…"

"You just what? What Luke?"

"I couldn't Kara, okay? I couldn't and I'm sorry. I wanted to…"

"Did you?"

"Yes, god yes!"

"It doesn't seem like it. It doesn't seem like you want to marry me at all Luke."

"That's not true Kara," Luke exclaimed, "I love you and I proposed to you because I want to marry you."

"Are you sure?"

"Why are you questioning this now?"

"Luke I told you I wanted commitment and then you propose a month later making me believe you wanted it too. But then you can't tell your family that we're engaged? How could I not question it?"

"Kara honey…"

"Don't 'Kara honey' me. I want to know why. I deserve to know why Luke."

Luke took a deep breath before pulling off to the side of the highway in-between Hartford and his hometown of Stars Hollow.

"Luke?" Kara's voice with laced with confusion and hurt and Luke banged his head against the steering wheel knowing it was about to get uglier.

"You have to promise you won't freak out on me Kara."

"Luke…"

"Promise me."

"Fine, I promise," she whispered, her green eyes filled with questions he knew he had to answer.

"My father," he started, "he doesn't know I'm in a relationship, at all."

"What?"

"I've never told him about you…about us."

"Why the hell not?" Kara asked her voice much calmer than Luke had anticipated.

"I don't know."

"Damn it Luke," she hissed, "we've been together for nearly three years and engaged for almost three months and you…I can't believe this."

"I'm sorry Kara…"

"Sorry? You're sorry? Luke, I don't know what to say, or, what to think. I've got half a mind to hail a cab and just go home…"

"Don't," Luke pleaded, "please Kara. I love you. I want to marry you and build a life with you. I'm just…I'm sorry. Please give us, me another chance."

"God Luke," Kara exclaimed, "I…I want to. I love you too, but you have to be honest with me. With your family. I'm not about to start a life with you if I'm worried you aren't going to tell me the truth in everything. This, us, is a partnership. We're in this together, but I have to be able to trust you."

"I know."

"Do you?"

"Yes," Luke assured her, tucking a piece of her auburn hair behind her ear, "I do."

"Complete honesty, no more secrets, no more hiding, and we tell your family the whole truth."

"Done deal," Luke promised. "Are you ready to go?"

Kara nodded and Luke pulled back onto the highway and let the silence comfort them.

-----------------------------

_William made me promise to stay over again tonight. I was a little hesitant, but what William wants he gets. He wants me and Rory to be here in the morning for Easter breakfast and baskets, and how could I say no to him? I can't, which, is hwy I'm here, against my better judgment and despite an almost guaranteed run in with Luke. William is like a dad to me and I just can't say no to him._

_I am glad I worked today though; it got me out of there early so I didn't have to deal with Mr. Pompous Ass himself before my coffee. _

_And also thankfully he wasn't home yet when I got off and got here. Liz mentioned something about him going to Hartford for that surprise he promised William._

_I'm dying to know what it is Maddie, just dying._

_I'm nosey like that, what can I say? It's a natural reaction._

_Whatever it is I hope it helps elevate some of the tension that has crept into the house._

_I just want a relaxing holiday._

_Oh, Luke's home it seems. I just heard his truck, time to be nosey. I'll be back Maddie with the scoop…_

Lorelai climbed out of her bed in the guest room and made it to the top of the stairs just in time to see Luke walk in with a very attractive red-head on his heels.

William met them in the hallway with Liz right behind him and he wore a shocked look. Lorelai wasn't sure whether she should join them or stay where she was. She didn't move.

"Son," William greeted warmly, "who is this beautiful girl you've brought home?"

Lorelai couldn't tell if the warmness in his voice was genuine or forced, but it didn't matter. The next words out of Luke's mouth were enough to fog the house again in an unmistakable tension.

"Dad, Liz," Luke started and paused for a minute to clear his throat, "this is Kara Duran…my fiancée."

Lorelai didn't wait to see or hear William's reaction or the formal introductions, she crept silently back to her room. Shaking her head she thought back to what she had just encountered. She could tell by the look on William's face it was a complete surprise. Returning to her diary, her hands were shaking and she wasn't sure why. She picked up her pink glitter pen anyways and the only words that were in her head made it to the paper.

_Holy hell._

-----------------------------

**A/N: Holy hell? Is that a fair assumption? I think so…what do you think? The reviews are what I crave! Please leave them! Please, pretty, pretty, please! I can't wait…though, I'm a bit nervous on the reaction. I guess I'll just have to see…**


	14. April 12, 1989

**A/N: Hello Fanfiction world! Here I am…back with another chapter. Sorry it took me so long, but I've been struggling with a small bout of writer's block this week. This is why I haven't updated any of my other stories either. I'm going to try to get some more updates up this weekend…just have patience with me, please. Anyways…here ya go, ENJOY!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own…though in my dreams…**

**-----------------------------**

_April 12, 1989_

_Holy hell. Who knew Maddie that the presence of one Kara Duran from Long Beach, CA, history major would put such a crazy, almost unexplainable tension and strain on the Danes' household? I knew that on Saturday when Luke brought her in and introduced her as his fiancé that things weren't going to be pretty. I just didn't realize that it would set off a catastrophic war between siblings. _

_My thought on the situation…_

_Honestly, I'm not sure Maddie. I really don't know Luke very well, but from what I've gathered he's a loner, hard worker, and all around good guy. The good guy part I have problems seeing, he's been nothing but a horrible presence since he got home, but…other than that._

_Liz is pissed. Like beyond pissed. Like an hour of ranting in my room Saturday night pissed…_

"_I can't believe he did this," Liz hissed, "engaged? He's got to be kidding…oh my god. He's not kidding is he? He's engaged…Luke is engaged. How can he do this to dad? We didn't know…not a clue that he was even seeing anyone, let alone being serious enough to get engaged. I don't know what to think…"_

_"Liz you have to calm down," I tried to reason, "He's a grown man…"_

"_You would think though he'd have the decently to warn us…at least call us a say hey, 'I'm bring a girl home this year for Easter…we're pretty serious'. But NO! Nothing! She doesn't seem like his type…"_

"_Liz…"_

"_I know Lorelai," Liz finally relented throwing herself down on my bed, "I just…I'm in shock. It took him so long to get over Rachel…he was miserable, a wreck Lorelai, completely. I just…"_

"_But that was high school Liz," I interrupted, shocked at myself for standing up for the idiot, "he's now a senior in college. You had to think he'd move on and settle down eventually."_

"_Yeah, eventually, with a girl from Connecticut. He's never wanted to live anywhere but here…or rather around here. That is one of the reasons that he and Rachel broke up to begin with. He wasn't sure he wanted to leave…" _

"_But he did," I countered, "for college."_

"_True…but it was under the common knowledge he'd be back as soon as he graduated to take over the store and settle here…not in California. Luke isn't the California type."_

"_Maybe he's still planning on moving back here and Kara wants too…"_

"_Right," Liz stopped me, her words dripping in sarcasm, "can you picture her in Stars Hollow? No way…"_

"_You don't know that Liz, you should give her a chance."_

"_I just don't want her to be my sister-in-law," she countered, "I had another…"_

"_Another what? Liz…"_

"_I wish I could pick who my sister-in-law would be, that's all."_

"_You have someone picked out?"_

"_I did, well I hoped."_

"_Who?"_

"_It doesn't matter now," Liz fumbled, "I should get to bed. Thanks for letting me rant Lorelai; I'll see you in the morning."_

_I'm not sure who Liz was talking about when she mentioned the whole sister-in-law thing but for some reason it made me a bit nervous. They were such a tight family. I hope that Luke doesn't let this tear his family apart. _

_William hasn't let on anything that he is feeling. And that has everyone nervous. _

_The town is in an uproar. Well, that is even placing it mildly. Whispers have been heard since Kara stepped foot in the place. Miss Patty and Babette and determined to find out all the dirt on the poor girl. I don't think I'd blame her if she ended up never wanting to come back here. Though I love the town, beyond words, the gossips can make it extremely hard to live here when they first are on their rampage. _

_It was ages before I really felt comfortable after moving here. I love them all now and couldn't imagine my life anywhere but here…but I don't think Kara will see it that way. There is a difference between hushed scowls and hushed inquires. Mine came as hushed inquires. Kara is getting the other…_

_The town is obviously very protective of Luke, their golden boy, and is cautious allowing any girl to be in his life. I think the Rachel situation made that the case. It amazes me though, because Rachel herself was a hometown girl…_

_It just shows you how deep roots run. Luke's family has been a part of the Stars Hollow community forever and they are very loyal to their blood line. It's commendable. I'm glad that William and Liz have that, Luke too, even. It's good for them._

_I hope that they feel that way about me and Rory eventually. Rory deserves to have that same kind of devotion. I don't think that is going to be a problem really though, everyone seems to love her already. She's the little princess of this town._

_She soaks that up easily too._

_It makes me think about the life that I turned down for her. The life of consistency, of privilege, and of history. I think she would have flourished in the life of Hartford society. Not that I would have wanted that for her life…but…I can't decided everything can I? Well, I can now, I am her mother and she isn't old enough to know better, but…_

_I don't know._

_I wouldn't have survived there, I couldn't have, so I didn't have any other choice but leave and there was no way in hell I was leaving her…so here we are. I'm content making our lives here the best I can. So far I haven't sensed any complaints. _

_Though, she still doesn't know the life I left._

_Or her grandparents._

_I'm starting to feel guilty about that._

_Maybe…_

_Never mind. I'm not about to do this today. It's been a stressful enough week as it is. I'm not about to dwell on my history, family background, or anything else that will be an added frustration in my life at the moment. Not now Maddie._

_Wow, I've gone on for so long about Luke, Kara, Liz and all that drama that I haven't mentioned our actual Easter at all. Fixing that now Maddie, I promise._

_Jess and Rory were thrilled about their Easter baskets that were planted happily and perfectly on the kitchen table Sunday morning. This was Rory's first Easter basket and thankfully William snapped some pictures of them as they raced downstairs so we'll be able to have those memories forever. William did a great job of picking everything out for them. He told Liz and me that he wanted to take that on himself._

_Both baskets had more candy than either kid has seen since Halloween, plus little trinkets and toys, and also a book for each. Rory was thrilled with the next book in her American Girl Series she's been reading, __Samantha__ and Jess had a new __Hardy Boys__ book. Also William put a little journal and pen set in her basket as his encouragement for her future career as a reporter. If that is what she wants to be then no one is going to argue and she'll be supported by everyone._

_Miss Patty has already claimed her first interview. Rory can't write super well yet and wants to wait a bit more before she does it, but Miss Patty will be the first entry in that notebook. I'm going to make sure that we start watching CNN and channels like that. She'll need to have good influences to look up to. God I love her._

_For Easter breakfast William and Luke did some serious work in the kitchen._

_Luke is a God in the kitchen Maddie. An absolute God. I was in food heaven. Complete bliss. As much of an ass as he has been to me, he totally made up for it in his cooking. He should make that into a career. He'd be ridiculously successful and probably would feed me and Rory everyday. For you see, me and a kitchen just don't mix. I'm a horrible cook. If it hadn't been for William and __Chef Jenkins Rory and I probably would have starved by now._

_They are our life savers Maddie._

_But anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I was raving about Luke Danes in the kitchen…I'm not sure there are even the right words to say to give the guy an accurate review. It really is amazing._

_I need to stop gushing…It doesn't sound right._

_I'll agree to put up with the guy just for his food. Food is the right way into my good graces, though he probably didn't know that or I would have been given burnt pancakes and runny eggs. I'm sure he doesn't want to do anything to make a friendship between us. He's quite content it seems hating me._

_I don't care anymore._

_-----------------------------_

"I think I should fly home for the rest of break," Kara told Luke suddenly as they were walking hand in hand through town. "Catch up some with my family…"

"You're just looking for an excuse to leave," Luke stated bitterly, "I thought we were going to be honest with each other."

"You're right," Kara agreed reluctantly, "I'll be honest. You need to deal with your family and I don't think my presence is helping anything."

"Deal with my family?"

"Your dad obviously doesn't like me…"

"That's not true."

"Luke, come on…"

"He doesn't hate you Kara."

"He may not hate me Luke, but he doesn't like me. I can tell in his voice, his eyes, and I can't stay here."

"What about when we are married?"

"It'll be different then."

"How Kara?"

"I'll be a member of the family and we will only have to interact a few times a year at holidays…"

"Wait," Luke interrupted, "I thought you knew I wanted to move back here when I've graduated. We talked about this."

"We did," Kara said sinking into a seat on a nearby bench, "and…I don't know. How can I live here if your dad doesn't want me around? I couldn't deal with this everyday for the rest of my life."

"Kara…"

"It's done Luke," Kara interrupted, "I'm flying home tomorrow morning. The tickets have already been bought. I talked to my parents this morning."

"You didn't give them a chance," Luke started and Kara laughed bitterly.

"You're kidding me right? I've done everything I could think to do to make your dad and sisters like me…"

"Sister."

"What?"

"I only have one sister, Liz."

"But what about Lore…"

"She isn't my sister," Luke stated firmly.

"Oh," Kara said shuffling her feet suddenly uncomfortable, "I assumed. I mean your dad made it seem…"

"I know, but she's not. Kara, please stay."

"I can't Luke," she assured him. "You need some time with your family, to explain things, to settle things. I'll come back with you another time. When things are better…"

"Kara?"

"Let me do this Luke," Kara insisted. "This has been an awkward couple of days, I need to go home."

"Okay," Luke finally relented, "I'll take you to the airport tomorrow."

"No need," Kara shrugged, "my flight is early. There should be a car at your house in about thirty minutes to take me to Hartford. I'll stay at the hotel in the airport tonight and fly out early. I'll just see you back at school."

"Kara…"

"I love you Luke," Kara whispered into his ear before kissing his cheek lightly, "and I want this to work. You though, you have to figure things out and deal with stuff here. For me. I can't live here after we're married knowing your dad and sister don't like me."

"I still wish you'd stay."

"I can't," Kara said firmly. "Bye Luke."

Luke watched as his fiancé walked away from him and into the dark night towards his childhood home. Why wasn't this as hard as it should be?

-----------------------------

_New developments in the Danes/Duran nuptials. It seems like Miss Duran herself left tonight to fly home unexpectedly and I can tell that Luke did not take the news well. He's been in a mood all day._

_Apparently they haven't broken up or called off the wedding…but she's gone. Happened about an hour ago now._

_Liz and I were getting the kids ready for bed when she came back to the house tonight grabbed her bag and loaded into the car that pulled up in front of the house. She gave Luke a quick hug and kiss goodbye before climbing into the car and leaving. Luke stormed into the house, a silent anger rolling through him, and slammed the door to his room shut with ample strength._

_I'm curious to find out what happened._

_I'm not sure he'll offer the information up though and frankly I'm not sure I blame him. I wonder sometimes if he has a journal or something like you Maddie that he spills his feelings in. I mean, I know most guys don't, but for all the silent treatment he gives and how reserved he is, there has to be something or someone he releases his pent up emotions too, right? _

_Why do I feel so involved so…_

"You're still up?" a voice asked and startled Lorelai from her writing. "I thought everyone had gone to bed."

Lorelai peered at Luke as he stood in the doorframe that separated the kitchen from where Lorelai was sitting with her legs curled up under her on the couch in the living room.

"I'm a night owl," she offered shrugging, "I tend not to be able to fall asleep until late."

"Oh," Luke said with a quick nod. "I'm just going to head back to bed. Night."

"Night Luke," Lorelai offered turning her head back towards her diary.

"Hey Lorelai," Luke called again quietly and Lorelai lifted her eyes to meet his, "I'm sorry I've been such a jerk to you."

Lorelai shrugged, shocked by his admission.

"It's been a stressful couple of weeks with finals and everything, and even though that doesn't make it right, I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"Thanks Luke," Lorelai said wistfully.

"Yeah," Luke shrugged running his hands awkwardly through his hair. "I'm going to go now, gotta call Kara and make sure she made it to the hotel okay. I guess I'll see you in the morning."

Lorelai nodded and watched Luke walk up the stairs quietly. Shaking her head she looked back down towards what was becoming her final sentence before he interrupted her.

_Being involved might not be so bad._

_Does Luke Danes actually have a heart? Maybe he took a trip to Oz and let the wizard give him one? _

_I'm not going to complain though. I think that Luke with a heart could be a good friend. I'll just have to see if he keeps the heart Maddie, or decides if it was just a fluke._

_Won't know until tomorrow._

-----------------------------

**A/N: Another chapter is here and what do you think? Things are rolling around in my head…ideas and such. I'm excited to take this one all the way…I've got some major plans for it. And as long as there is interest the chapters will keep coming. You wanna know how I know this is interest…reviews! Please leave some, just to let me know that you are reading and enjoying it…actually, I'd love to know if there is anyone out there that reads it and hates it. Both views make me a better writer…hit the little purplish button and type some words! Thanks ya'll!**


	15. April 22, 1989

**A/N: Yay new chapter! I'm so excited…it's been less than a week. I'm proud of myself. AND…I'm so thankful for you readers. We surpassed 100 reviews with the last chapter. I couldn't believe it. Keep it up…let's try to set a record for this chapter and this story and leave double digit reviews. This story has yet to see that…anyways, on with the story.**

**Disclaimer: Do you really think that if I owned GG I'd be sitting at a painfully slow computer writing this? I doubt it…I'd be somewhere exotic.**

**-----------------------------**

_April 22, 1989_

_You better start wishing me a happy birthday Maddie, because, yup, that's right today is my birthday. It's still early, actually I'm surprised I'm awake it's so early, but for some reason I couldn't sleep. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm not trying to dwell on it._

_I don't have any big plans today. I'll probably just hang out with Liz some today and have dinner tonight with William and Mia. Nothing like every other twenty first birthday across America I'm sure, but then again, I'm not like ever other twenty one year old in America either. I have Rory to think about; I can't just go and get wasted._

_It's not like I haven't ever been wasted before. For crying out loud that is how Rory was conceived after all._

_I still remember the first time I ever got drunk. That was a night to behold. I was fourteen, a freshman in high school, and desperate to fit in and be considered cool. My best friend Janice had an older brother who was a senior and honestly I had crushed on him since we were toddlers, but I was always the pesky friend of the younger sister. A titled I'm sure I earned justly, but that is beside the point._

_It was about a month into freshman year with Janice told me that Kevin, her brother, was going to have this huge blowout of a party while their parents were gone to the Vineyard and wanted to know if I wanted to come. I couldn't agree faster. We pulled off the ultimate stunt that night, Janice and I. You see my parents were really strict about not letting me spend the night at a friend's house without speaking to their parents and making sure that an adult would be home. They were worried about supervision or something._

_So, Janice, Katie, and I planned this whole thing. I would be 'spending the night' at Katie's house according to my parents and hers. Then, once her parents left for the night, (they had some party of their own to attend) we snuck out and went to Janice's leaving her parents a note telling them that we had gone to this little ice-cream place down the road with some friends from school._

_Katie's parents were a lot more relaxed than mine if you couldn't tell and they had no qualms about letting me stay there while avoiding the truth with my parents that they weren't actually going to be home the whole time. It worked too, because Katie's parents weren't really friends with mine so they only talked when I wanted to go there._

_By the time we got to Janice's house the party was in full swing. There had to have been at least 400 people crammed into their house, backyard, and pool house and the music was going. We found Janice almost right away and ran up to her room to change into our 'party' get up. After some major primping and stuff we made our way downstairs, completely different girls._

_Now that I think back, we probably looked like sluts. Yeah, I'm pretty sure we did. I had this short mini-skirt on that I borrowed from Janice's older sister and a white, practically see-through top that skimmed my navel. My hair was pulled up, wild curls escaping around my face, and makeup easily an inch thick covering my face. We loaded up on jewelry and accessories in ever attempt to seem older._

_Let me tell you, it worked._

_I had a cup of beer offered to me the second I stepped off the stairs and was surrounded by a group of older guys I recognized from school. That was the first cup of beer I ever drank. It was quickly followed by about six others._

_Yeah, stupid._

_The more I think about that night and actually put it all down on paper the more embarrassed I become. I really was a slut and completely stupid that night. I made out with three senior football players, one senior basketball player, and then some other guy, who I don't remember now. _

_Honestly, I came close to loosing my virginity that night. Thankfully Kevin stopped that before it was too late. We got a tongue lashing from him after he realized we had crashed his party and were all drunk. He had the butler drive Katie and I back to her house where we promptly passed out in her room and slept until noon the next day._

_That night started my reputation as a flirt and a 'bad girl' so to speak and the boyfriend offers started coming. I didn't seriously date any of them though, not until Chris._

_I regret that night. I regret what that night made me really. I'm sure things might have been different for me if that night had been different. If I could have been happy with the way I was and not so enthralled in pushing my parents away. _

_I almost wish I could have been the perfect daughter that they always wanted. That they wished for every day of my existence. I hate that I let them down, that I disappointed them. That thought stings. That hurts almost worse than enduring childbirth Maddie…almost. _

_I don't Rory to ever feel like she's a disappointment to me. That is the farthest thing from the truth. Rory is the best thing in my life. She is what makes it all worth it. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her. _

_Man, listen to me getting all sappy and weepy. This isn't the normal Lorelai Gilmore…but I think this is more of the real Lorelai Gilmore. I've always been emotional; I've just gotten to be a pro at hiding it. I had to in order to survive my parents' home. To survive my mother._

_Whatever happened to just being yourself? I guess that went out of style a long time ago huh? I wish it would come back…it could make life easier._

"Mommy?" Rory's voice called from the front door of the potting shed, "it's early."

"I know sweetie," Lorelai answered setting her journal down beside her on the grass.

"Why are you awake?"

"Sometimes mommy likes to wake up early," Lorelai told her daughter as she wrapped her in her arms. "What are you doing awake?"

"I had a bad dream," Rory yawned nuzzling her head into Lorelai's chest.

"Oh honey," Lorelai soothed, "its okay, it was only a dream."

"I know," Rory countered and Lorelai could feel the wetness of her daughter's tears through her pajama top.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Rory shook her head hard and Lorelai nodded, "okay sweetie. But if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here."

"I know mommy," Rory whispered and squeezed Lorelai's neck tighter. "I'm kinda hungry…"

"Why don't you and I get dressed and go see if Chef Jenkins will whip us up something for breakfast before the dining room opens? How does that sound?"

"Yummy," Rory exclaimed releasing her grip on Lorelai. "Can I wear my pink sneakers today?"

"Of course angel," Lorelai replied picking up Maddie and her pink sparkle pen from the grass. "Let's go!"

-----------------------------

_I have to say that I really do enjoy birthdays. Who wouldn't though really? It is a day dedicated to you and celebrating your life. It couldn't get too much better than that! I had a great birthday. I really did. Spent the morning with Rory at the Inn, I didn't work, but we had breakfast with Mia who was already there and then played for awhile by the lake. _

_Liz and I left the kids with William then about noon for a girls' afternoon out, just the two of us. Can I tell you how long it's been since I've had time to myself without Rory around when I wasn't working? I love spending time with Rory, don't get me wrong Maddie, but there are some days when a girl just needs to let loose and be somewhat free._

_We drove into Hartford, well, Liz drove because I still don't have my license, I really should get that fixed, and did lunch at a little café and had pedicures done. It was so relaxing. Then we decided to go to the mall to just look around some. We had a few more hours to kill before we were allowed to come back home._

_It was weird being back in Hartford like that. I haven't really gone outside of the Stars Hollow area since I arrived. I can't remember the last time I was in Hartford either. It was strange._

_What was even stranger…?_

_I saw Chris._

_Yup._

_Disbelief._

_Utter and complete shock ran through my body when I recognized his sandy blonde hair and build._

_I thought for a minute that I was going to be sick._

_What's worse, he saw me, too._

_I can't help but cringe now even thinking about it and how I ever wanted to try and build a life with him I'll never understand. I'm glad that we didn't get married. That would have been horrendous._

_But yeah, so I saw him. He was attached to this leggy, blonde chick and had her unflattering shade of red lipstick all over his neck. I was seriously grossed out. I wish I could have gotten away without talking to him. _

_I wasn't so lucky._

"_Lorelai?" I heard his voice ask right as I turned around to walk away from him. I could hear Liz's hushed questions and I glared at her before plastering a fake smile on my face and turning to greet the father of my daughter._

"_Chris," I answered, "what are you doing here?"_

"_Me?" he asked shakily, "I can't believe you are in Hartford."_

"_Well here I am. How is college life treating you?"_

"_Oh, well good you know," he answered stammering, "California is nice."_

"_Glad to hear it…"_

"_Baby," the voice of the mystery blonde spoke up from behind him and I couldn't' help but cringe. "Who are your friends?"_

"_This is a friend from high school, Lorelai," he answered, "Lorelai this is my girlfriend Amanda."_

"_Nice to meet you Amanda," I forced out. _

"_You too," she answered without sincerity. "Chris…we really should be going."_

"_Yeah," he answered and allowed her to link her arm through his. "It was good seeing you again Lorelai. Give Rory a kiss for me?"_

"_Sure Chris," I answered fuming at the thought he would assume I'd let his daughter know I'd seen her good-for-nothing father. "I'll make sure Rory knows that her _Daddy_ says hi."_

_I walked away right as I heard Amanda let out a squealed, "what?" and smiled to myself. Liz caught up with me after a few seconds._

"_So that was Chris huh?" she asked biting back a grin._

"_Yup."_

"_Sorry."_

"_Don't be," I answered honestly. "Without him I wouldn't have Rory, I know that. But I'm glad that I don't have to deal with him. Marriage for us just wasn't an option and my belief is grounded firmly in that. Especially now." _

_We didn't stay at the mall after that. We headed directly back into Stars Hollow and Liz was kind enough to be silent on the way home so that I could stew. And stew I did. I was so pissed. I still am now that I think about it. What an idiotic moron._

_I'd be happy if I never saw him again._

_BUT!_

_Other than that little fiasco, my birthday was fantastic. When we got back to town there was a huge birthday party for me and the whole town came out to celebrate with me. It was so much fun. I'm so thankful for the family and friends I have here. And that Rory has._

_I'm not sure our life could get any better._

_-----------------------------_

Luke was having a hard time concentrating on the books in front of him as he attempted to study for a test he had the next day. Coming back from Spring break had been hard. He had a feeling that something was up with his dad but his father like all other circumstances refused to talk about it. Anytime Luke had tried to broach the subject William would shrug it off and change the subject. It was getting on Luke's nerves.

Then he had the whole Kara thing to deal with.

They had reconciled and plans for the wedding were once again underway. Well, sorta.

They hadn't set a date yet, or picked colors really, or now that Luke was thinking about it, they really hadn't done anything. He was still trying to figure out the reason his dad had been so cold to his fiancé and was drawing a blank. It didn't help that Liz hadn't liked her either.

He wasn't sure he'd be able to convince Kara to move back to Connecticut with him when the year was over and they had graduated.

"Hey Luke," Tim, his roommate, interrupted his thoughts. "A bunch of the guys are heading down to the pub to catch the game. Wanna come?"

"Nah," Luke shrugged, "I really need to study."

"It's the Red Sox Luke," Tim argued, "are you for real telling me that my roommate, the avid Sox's fan is turning down the chance to drink beers and watch the game on the best TV in the county?"

"I guess."

"Man there is something wrong with you," Tim laughed, "if you change your mind you know where we'll be."

"Thanks," Luke muttered and watched at Tim left their room. _He's right,_ Luke thought, _there has got to be something wrong with me. When have I ever turned down a game with the guys?_

Luke shook his head trying to clear the thoughts from it and turned back to the Chemistry book that laid in front of him and tried to focus on the equations he stilled needed to memorize.

And the longer he tried the harder he found it to concentrate.

_Maybe some fresh air will do me good,_ he told himself and grabbed his jacket and headed out the door.

-----------------------------

**A/N: I'm not totally sure how I feel about this chapter. I like it…I just…I don't know. I'm going to try to intermingle Luke in this story even when he isn't in Stars Hollow, just so I can keep the possibly of something happening…I guess we'll see.**

**So…review…make my day and I'll try to get another update before Christmas. That would be nice, huh?**


	16. May 19, 1989

**A/N: Merry Christmas Eve everyone! I'm back and with an update! I hope everyone likes my Christmas present to you with the addition on a new chapter. I love writing this story and it's good to hear that people are enjoying it too! Thanks so much for everyone's wonderful reviews. They are great to get.**

**A/N2: I know that my other story, Living Life, has been abandoned for quite some time now and I do apologize for that. I plan on getting that updated after the Holidays, things have just been crazy and I've been dedicating all of my time towards this. I hope you understand. Thanks for the patience.**

**Disclaimer: No GG ownership for me…it's kinda sad.**

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_May 19, 1989_

_Man it sure is lonely around here right now Maddie. With William, Liz, and Jess gone to Texas for Luke's college graduation and Mia in California for her son's wedding its been way too quiet around here. I'm helping William out this week by working some hours in the store in place of Liz's and I'm actually having a blast. I wasn't sure I'd be very good at it or even like it, but I am. _

_Anyways, I guess that is kind of hum-drum news…though, there really isn't anything exciting to report. It's been pretty quiet around here in the Hollow. But that is what I like about this place. The quiet calm and friendly banter that accompanies even the most normal day. Though, now that I think about it, I'm not sure any day can be considered normal around here…it is Stars Hollow after all._

_I'm so happy here. Miss Patty and Babette have been keeping me occupied with the Danes' out of town and I've even had to endure their less-than-subtle hints about becoming a Danes myself. Those ladies sure have an imagination and romantic side to them._

_Too bad they've got me pinned to the wrong guy._

_Me and Luke? They have to be kidding…right? He's a pompous ass most of the time and I dislike him. Immensely. I'll put up with him…because of William and Liz, but that is all there is to it._

_And that is final._

_Anyways, William has been over the moon the last couple weeks about Luke's return to Stars Hollow. I'm glad to final see the sparkle in William's eyes back. He's been so down for so long that anything that makes him seem like his old self again is worth praising._

_Even if it means dealing with his jerk head of a son._

_Liz and William flew out there to help celebrate his graduation and help him move his stuff back. They will be shipping some of the bigger stuff and packing the rest. I agreed to pick them up from the airport on Monday afternoon when their plan lands._

_Did you pick that up? I'm driving to airport on Monday to pick up the Danes' family. I'm driving! And yes, Maddie, that means that I finally did it. I got my license. I've been meaning too for ages, it just…it hadn't happened before. Then last month around my birthday Liz convinced me it was finally time to get it done, so I did. It's been great! I still don't have a car yet, but I'm saving up. I'm almost to the point where I can get a decent car. Hopefully just a few more months and I'll be able to place a down payment on something._

_So anyways, William left me the car and I'm to pick them up on Monday. I'm sure Luke won't be impressed to see me, but I really don't care. Rory misses William and Jess and I know she'll be happy to go with me to see them._

_Luke's opinion doesn't matter to me. It doesn't._

_I wonder if Kara is coming back with him._

_I know it was implied when she was here for Easter. The fact that they'd be coming back here, starting their life together here, I just hope for both of their sakes that whatever happens is for the best and they are both happy. _

_Why do I feel so…I dunno, concerned about this? This is strange…I shouldn't be. Should I? No. Not at all. It's just Luke and I don't care what he does with his life. It's up to him. It doesn't effect me…it doesn't….it doesn't._

_-----------------------------_

Luke looked out over the crowd and spotted his father, sister, and nephew sitting a few rows back from the section of graduating seniors. His peers. It was still surreal to him, the fact that finally after a lot of hard work and time he was finally getting ready to graduate from college. He would be done with school.

As student elected speaker he wasn't sitting with his fellow graduates, but rather he was nestled in a cold metal chair on top of the platform in between Kelsey Finaden the class president and Jordan Flashing the valedictorian. He let his eyes scan the crowd again and this time they fell onto his future in-laws. Kara's parents' had flown in the night before from California and were obviously ready to fly home. They were not ones to leave their life of privilege and comfort very often and always hurried back to it when it was time.

Luke searched the sea of dark brown robes for his fiancé and a grin broke out over his face when he finally saw her bright green eyes and mass of auburn curls. He flashed a smile and winked and couldn't help but chuckle lightly at the deep blush that covered her cheeks.

Luke was having a hard time concentration on the dean's speech and was more than ready to be done with the whole thing. He wasn't a fan on speaking out in front of large groups but wasn't given a choice when the dean had approached him to let him know he had been selected.

"_The student body was very adamant about their choice Luke," Dean Morieter had explained, "you won by a landslide."_

"_I didn't even realize I had been nominated," Luke countered in every attempt to escape the job. "There must be someone else…"_

"_Your peers have spoken Luke," the dean interrupted, "you better start preparing your speech."_

So he had, reluctantly of course, but he did. He was almost sure that Kara had been the one to put his name in for selection though she continued to deny it. He continued to scan the crowds and his eyes landed on his father again. William's dark brown hair had begun to lighten with gray strands peppered through it and Luke noticed the dark circles under his father's eyes and the wrinkles on his forehead that hadn't been there before. Luke furrowed his brow in worry and vowed to himself to question his father when the ceremony was over.

-----------------------------

_Rory asked about her father today. I swear you could have knocked me over with a feather as soon as the words left her mouth. She's never asked about Chris before and I think I secretly hoped she never would. Is that horrible? Because it feels horrible. I feel like I'm a horrible mother when I pray every morning that Rory won't ask about her dad, won't question why all the other kids she sees in town have a mommy and a daddy, why Jess sees his dad every two weeks on scheduled visits in the Stars Hollow park or in Hartford at a local restaurant and today my fears were confirmed._

_She asked._

_I didn't know what to say. How could I really? What was I supposed to say to her? I couldn't tell her the truth that her father was young and stupid and didn't mean to impregnate me with her and then ran from his responsibilities when I refused to marry him like his father and my father wanted. That he's now dating some blonde bimbo from wherever he's decide to reside right now and can't even call and let me know he's in town or that he wants to see her._

_No, I can't tell her that Maddie, no matter how badly I want to. I want to keep her from him and from the heartbreak he's going to leave her with. I want to shield her from that but at the same time she deserves to know her father right? He might not deserve to know her, but she does. _

_I'm going to call him. Or at least try to call him. He gave me his phone number in California before he left, so I guess I could start there. I'm sure he'll be back for the summer, maybe they can get together. _

_That would be nice, wouldn't it Maddie?_

_I can at least try to pretend that is the way I truly feel._

_When she asked though I just tried to explain to her that daddy lives far away and that he thinks about her everyday, which I'm sure is a lie, and that he'll try to visit soon. She kept trying to press me for more information but I finally snapped and told her to stop talking about him. I scared her and I hated myself for it, but I couldn't take it anymore._

_I can't handle having to deal with that. I don't want to…_

_That isn't fair to Rory is it Maddie? It isn't fair that I refuse to talk about her father because it hurts too much and yet…I dunno. I feel like such a hypocrite._

_I was the one that helped Liz understand that Jimmy deserves to have a relationship with his son if he wants and agreed to supervise the visits for her. Yet when it comes to my own kid and her father I don't want to attempt anything at all._

_Though, it's different. Jimmy reached out first; he contacted Liz and practically begged to let Jess back into his life. It's obvious how much he cares for Jess and even Liz; though she won't let herself see it and Jimmy won't exactly admit it either._

_I envy them almost. _

_I want Rory to have a life with her father. Or at least, I should want that. I want her to have a father figure is the more correct statement really. I just wouldn't be hurt if it wasn't Christopher._

_But that would take me getting back out into the dating game and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that either. Who would want to date a 21 year old single mother of a kindergartener anyways? Not any guys I know._

_Is it wrong for me to want Christopher Hayden to drop dead? Because honestly, that is where my emotions are currently directed._

_-----------------------------_

"I can't believe this," Luke grumbled as he watched Kara play with the tassel from her graduation cap. "I thought we had discussed this already Kara. You…"

"We haven't made any more motion to plan anything Luke," Kara interrupted, "how do you think that makes me feel. Anytime I try to bring the wedding up you back off, change the subject, or run away. So, you have to understand where this decision is coming from."

"Forgive me," Luke spat bitterly, "but I don't. How is living three thousand miles apart supposed to make this better?"

"Living close hasn't fixed anything," Kara argued, "maybe a break and the distance will help."

"I don't see how that is possible."

"Luke…"

"God damn it Kara," Luke continued, "I…I can't do this right now. I'm not about to stand here in the middle of the courtyard and argue about this."

"Where was I going to live Luke?" Kara asked ignoring his attempt to delay their argument. "Your father surely wasn't going to let me move in with you under his roof and Stars Hollow doesn't exactly have an abundance of cheap apartments and where was I going to work?"

"What about that when we are married?" Luke asked, "You never brought that up then."

"We wouldn't have that problem then."

"We wouldn't?"

"No," Kara yelled, "I'd be living with you."

"I'm talking about work," Luke ranted, "you never thought to bring up your concern about a job when we talked about this before."

"I…I just thought…"

"You thought what?"

"I thought you'd end up realizing that Stars Hollow and Connecticut aren't what you want anymore."

"You want me to leave my family?"

"I thought we could talk about it."

"I can't do that Kara," Luke told her, "I thought you understood that."

"Maybe we can bring your family with us," Kara started, "live in the city here. I'd have plenty of job opportunities and daddy would make sure you had a nice corner office."

"My dad would never leave the store or Stars Hollow," Luke continued. "Fine, if you want to go back to California with your family I'm not going to stop you."

"Luke…"

"Do you want this to end Kara," Luke's voice cracked as the words passed over his lips, "is this really what you want?"

"I don't want us to end," Kara insisted, "I just think…"

"You think that distance and a 'break' will do us good?"

"They say absence makes the heart grow fonder," Kara attempted to joke and Luke bit back an angry retort. "Please Luke."

"Do you still want to marry me?" he asked, needing the truth.

"Of course I do," Kara explained wrapping her arms around his neck. "I'll always want to marry you and be Mrs. Luke Danes. We can still plan the wedding. We can write and call…" 

"Okay," Luke relented, "we'll try this your way."

"Thank you Luke," Kara pressed her lips to his gently, "we will make this work."

"I love you," Luke whispered against her lips and she smiled before repeating the words quietly. Luke wasn't exactly thrilled at the concept of living apart from his fiancé, but he knew that he had to give her what she wanted anyways.

When they finally pulled away from each other they parted ways, neither knowing when they would see each other again.

-----------------------------

_May 22, 1989_

_What a busy day Maddie and it isn't even half way over yet. So, I helped William's assistant Jack open the store this morning and I was glad it was a fairly slow morning. I stocked and cleaned and just let Rory play behind the counter as hardly anyone came in for most of the morning. Then everything changed._

_About eleven o'clock a tall dark haired guy came through the door and his brown eyes were just remarkable. I was smitten to say the least. The first time that has happened to me in ages really. He was asking me where to find all of this stuff; apparently he's new to town and fixing up an older house on the outskirts of town. Rory and I helped him find everything and he was amazing with her._

_Even after he found out she was mine and I was incredibly young._

_He's the new principal for Stars Hollow High and his name is Kevin Jacobs. He's twenty-five, single, well off, and great with kids. He's like the perfect guy._

_We talked for quite awhile and it was nice. He was polite and kind and I think that I was about to sink into the ground when he asked me if I would join him for dinner once he was able to have company. _

_I agreed._

_I'm not sure exactly what came over me, but I did. I agreed to a date with Kevin Jacobs._

_My first date since Rory was conceived. Really since Christopher at all._

_God I hope I don't screw this up. He could be the one. I know that sounds corny and completely unrealistic because I just met him and only spent about twenty minutes with the guy. I'm not sure though, something happened. Was it the butterflies that are so commonly associated with that feeling of love and contentment or was it just feelings arising that I've pressed hard to cover up in attempt of being the perfect mom?_

_I don't want to get my hopes up in any fashion. I date still date semi-casually right?_

_But how will this effect Rory?_

_Is this a good idea?_

_Maybe I should cancel, tell him I changed my mind. I can't actually date, can I? I do have Rory to think about._

_Though, I can't become a nun either, just because I have a kid._

_I need to talk to Mia. I hope she gets back soon._

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**A/N: Should I be worried about the possibly of being strangled with a strand of Christmas lights or garland tonight in my sleep for this chapter? I know it probably isn't what anyone wanted to see…but I PROMISE that I have a plan.**

**The best way to spread Christmas cheer is leaving lots of reviews for me to see! **

**I'll see you all after Christmas!**


	17. June 5, 1989

**A/N: Happy New Year! I hope that this year is bringing you good things. I hope you like this chapter! I've had it written for awhile but our internet crashed over the weekend. New wireless network had some issues. But it's all fixed now. So here is this chapter and the next one is almost finished already. Just enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls! No surprise there, even though I wanted it for Christmas…sad day :(**

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_June 5, 1989_

_The start of a very busy summer season has kicked off and I am feeling it thoroughly. We are already booked solid at the Inn for pretty much all summer and that is keeping the maid staff incredibly busy. I have barely had time to __breathe__ let alone relax or spend any down time with my kid._

_I feel like I haven't seen in her in ages Maddie and that sucks. A lot. She's been spending most of her time with Liz and William at the store in town and she's usually asleep or almost asleep by the time I'm able to pick her up. That means no time to have our Gilmore girl time anymore._

_I hate that I'm short three maids and trying to make up the slack myself while in the process of training new girls. I'm a dead woman walking by the end of the day. I am thankful though for William and Liz for looking after Rory while I'm wor__king. All these extra hours are__ certainly going to go towards helping to purchase my first car and for that I can't wait._

_I'm not sure what I'm going to get yet, but William is helping me look around. I'm determined to find a good car that will last me for a long time but yet I want a car that I feel like me in. That I start up and I just know that this is my car._

_Does that sound strange Maddie? _

_I'm sure it does._

_I don't care though. That is what I want._

_Working at the Inn has been a great experience though and I've meet a ton of amazingly wonderful people that have been just amazing to me. _

_The main example I'm talking about, Chef Jenkins. He told me that he is finally going to retire in the fall and move down south to get away from the intense cold we have here during the winter. His kids live in the south and he's excited to be near them again. The reason though that I'm gushing about old Jenkins right now is because he was talking about letting me lease his house on one of those lease to own deals._

_We could have a house._

_A real house._

_Am I in a dream Maddie? Cause it sure feels like it._

_I went and looked at it yesterday and it is so cute! It's a precious little three bedroom two-story house, though the third bedroom is more like a closet upstairs next to the master bedroom but there is a room __just off of the kitchen that is nice size, I was thinking of that for Rory.__ I would just completely love to say that we live in a real house, with all the amenities and not the potting shed. The house needs some minor work, nothing major, just a few screws here and there and some tightening of certain pipes, but other than that the house is in amazing shape for its age._

_William has already agreed to help me with some of the repairs too. If I decide to take the house, I still haven't given him my answer._

_I'm not sure why I haven't. __It's__ nearly perfect._

_We'd be moving in the week before Rory starts school if I take it. That will be when Jenkins is all moved out and the house will be ready for us._

_I think I'm going to take it. I should, shouldn't I? That really is the only smart thing for me to do really? How could I not take this __opportunity?__ Jenkins and his family have been so gracious to even offer this for Rory and __me__. I think I'll talk to him tomorrow about signing the papers. I think I will._

_This is just too good to be true._

_---------------------------------------_

Luke drummed is fingers against the counter of the hardware store impatiently has he watched his sister attempt to corral Jess and Rory out the door with all of their beach supplies safely. Liz was taking them to the beach today to get some good 'ole summer sunshine in and frankly Luke was just fine with that.

He didn't try to be grumpy around the kids but in all honestly they all but drove him completely nuts.

The girl, Rory, wasn't as bad as Jess could be, but when they would fight or even start to just play with sincere enthusiasm all hell would break lose and Luke's head would begin to throb.

"Okay Luke," Liz was talking to him, "we are officially outta here. Lorelai was saying today how she might get off earlier so if she comes to get Rory and we aren't back yet just have her hold tight or something. Love you bro."

"Bye Liz," Luke called as he watched Jess, Rory, and Liz through the window of the store skip down the street. He sighed deeply, thankful for some piece and quiet.

Luke let his thoughts drift to Kara and his heart lurched at the thought of his fiancé who was still miles and miles away from him. They were staying in daily contact with a letter, postcard, or phone call, but Luke still missed her terribly. They were starting to plan the details of the wedding, though the date was the only thing they couldn't agree on.

_"I've always wanted a spring wedding Luke," Kara sighed into the phone on a late night phone call. "Please, can't we do it in April or May?"_

_"I don't want to wait that long Kara,__" Luke__ had argued, "wouldn't a late fall wedding have the same effect?"_

_"No," Kara grunted, "fall is when everything is dying before __winter;__ I don't want my wedding in that."_

_"Then what about December? Have a Christmastime wedding."_

_"I'm not about to share my wedding day with a worldwide holiday either Luke," Kara persisted. "Spring is the only time I want it and my church has an opening for the last Saturday in April. It's perfect."_

_"We could always just elope," Luke had offered, "that would save us time and money and we could get married this summer."_

_"No."_

_"Kara just think about it…"_

_"No Luke," Kara interrupted again. "I'm not going to elope. That is final. Luke, I've got to go, we'll finish this discussion later."_

_"But…"_

_"Bye Luke," Kara simply said, "love you."_

_"Love you too," Luke returned the affection and groaned as the dial tone filled his ears. Another __unsatisfying__ phone call completed._

The more he thought about it now the more he realized that fighting her about the wedding would be pointless as it turns out he'd read in a wedding planning book at the library last week that the girls tended to have everything perfect in their mind and nothing was going to change that.

He decided to wait and let her have her spring wedding. It wasn't worth the fights they'd been having anyways.

"Luke honey," Miss Patty cooed as she flung the door to the hardware open and Luke struggled to hide his eye roll and groan. "Don't you be making faces at me handsome, oh if I was just twenty years younger…"

Luke decided it was safest to start the interruption there and proceeded to direct the older woman's thoughts away from any parts of his body.

"What can I do for you today Miss Patty?" Luke asked and Patty started in on supplies she needed to refurbish the dance floor in her studio. Luke worked quickly to get the supplies and worked hard to ignore the ramblings that Patty insinuated.

"So Luke," Miss Patty started again as she followed him around the store, "where is that pretty little fiancé of yours. We haven't seen her around in awhile."

"She's with her family in California," Luke offered vaguely and kept walking.

"Why is she all the way out there," Miss Patty pestered, "if I were her…?"

"Miss Patty is there anything else you need?" William asked, saving his son from the continuing questioning and Luke breathed a sigh of relief and threw his father a grin.

"Not a thing William, Luke here has been just great," Patty gushed, "it must be wonderful to have him back again."

"It is," William agreed with a quick smile, "would you like us to deliver this stuff for you later today?"

"Why William that would be wonderful," Patty said with a grin, "can I entice either of you to help me…shirtless?"

"I thought you had already hired the Williamsons' twins to do the work?" William asked as he ushered Patty closer to the door.

"Oh I did," Patty chuckled, "but I'd trade them for either of you in an instance."

"You wouldn't want to do that for two college boys," William insisted and Patty just nodded, "that is what I thought. I'll have Luke drop off the supplies to you later today, in time for the twins to work on it tomorrow. Have a good afternoon."

"Thank you William," Miss Patty offered with a wave as she sauntered off towards her studio and Luke sighed as William shut the door.

"Thanks dad," Luke said, "she scares me."

"She scares me too," William admitted with a short laugh. "How long was she here?"

"Long enough to admire my butt, make a few suggestive comments, and inquire about my love life and Kara's whereabouts. I swear this town is full of a bunch of crazies."

"They always have been," William joked, "you should have realized that by now. Speaking of Kara…"

"Don't dad," Luke warned, "I'd rather not talk about it."

"But…"

"Please," Luke said, "I'm not sure what is going on anymore."

"So the wedding…"

"Is still on, there just hasn't been a date set."

"And…"

"Dad, enough."

"Fine, I'll leave it be for now…"

"Forever, please dad."

"Okay, I'm just saying that if you aren't…"

"I'm sure," Luke insisted making sure William didn't finish his statement. Luke wasn't sure he could hear the last of that and answer honestly, because he wasn't so sure about anything anymore.

----------------------------

_June 8, 1989_

_I did it. I signed the lease agreements with Chef Jenkins and his son, Greg, this morning. I'm excited…and scared shitless at the same time. I mean…I signed papers, committing myself to leasing this house with all intents and purposes in purchasing it after three years. Rory doesn't know yet, I wanted it to be a surprise for her._

_I'm still scared to tell her though. I don't know…I don't want to fail and yet…_

_And yet I'm afraid that is what I'm going to do. Maddie…I'm not even sure that I can do this. About thirty seconds after signing my name the doubts started filling my mind. I've spent most of the day trying to filter them out and not let it get to me…but so far I haven't succeeded._

_And no one knows about it so I can't let out my feelings. I asked Chef Jenkins not to say anything yet to anyone. We still have awhile before we can actually move in, so I have time to let everyone know and let my feelings settle._

"You are always writing in that thing huh?" a voice asked pulling Lorelai from her thoughts. "I've never see you without it."

"Not true," Lorelai stated firmly and couldn't help but smile. "I didn't wake you did I?"

"No you didn't," Luke answered as he took a swig of the beer in his hand, "I just wasn't able to fall asleep, and thought I'd get a drink."

"I didn't think your dad keep beer in the house," Lorelai questioned.

"He doesn't," Luke offered, "I keep it in a fridge in the garage. He knows it's there, he just chooses to ignore it."

"Ah," Lorelai breathed with a small smile.

"Would you like one?"

"I'm not sure…"

"Come on," Luke insisted, "one won't kill you."

"Sure," Lorelai shrugged, "one would be nice."

Luke stepped away for a minute and came back handing her a bottle that matched his own, "thanks."

"No problem," Luke answered, "so, what are you writing?"

"Nothing really," Lorelai brushed it off, "just life."

"So it's like a diary?"

"Yeah, sorta. Sometimes I just need to vent and stuff and I really don't have anyone to really vent to, so…"

"So you write it out."

"Yeah."

"That's cool," Luke said and Lorelai blushed slightly, not sure what to think of the Luke that she was seeing.

"Man," Lorelai breathed, "I haven't had one of these in a long time."

"Really?"

"At least five years," Lorelai answered with a short laugh.

"Is this what…?"

"No," Lorelai interrupted, "Rory was conceived on cheap beer. She was conceived on the good stuff."

"Vodka?"

Lorelai shook her head, "tequila."

"Wow," Luke laughed quietly, "that must have been…"

"Surprising?" Lorelai asked for him, "yeah it was. My parent's were too thrilled and his parents were livid."

"Where is he? Does he see her?"

"No," Lorelai's eyes held a hint of sadness and Luke regretted asking anything. "He's a prick. He hasn't seen Rory in…years. I hate to say this, but she is better off without him."

"His loss," Luke said genuinely and Lorelai looked up surprised. "What? I'm just saying, if he can't what an amazing kid Rory is then it is his loss."

"Thanks Luke."

"It's the truth," Luke answered with a shrug. "Look, about our first impressions…"

"Don't even worry about it," Lorelai assured him.

"I was horrible to you and I'm sorry."

"Me too," Lorelai told him. "I wasn't exactly the picture of nice either."

"Can we put that behind us?" Luke asked, "I'd like to be friends…"

"Luke Danes wants to be my friend?" Lorelai gasped with mock shock. "Whatever shall I think?"

"Funny…"

"I'd like to be friends Luke," Lorelai told him and their eyes caught for just a moment before Luke turned away his cheeks on fire.

"Good," he whispered quickly, "well, goodnight Lorelai, I better head to bed."

"Yeah," Lorelai nodded, "me too. Good night Luke."

Lorelai didn't move as she watched Luke take the stairs two at a time before returning her attention briefly to her lap again.

_Well Maddie, that was interesting. A conversation with Luke. An actual conversation, without bitterness or sarcastic__ underlying hints__. A friendly interaction. Maybe today was a day of new beginnings. It would be good to have him as a friend. That was good._

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**A/N: Okay, so leave some reviews. I'd like to know what you think. Just think of them as late Christmas presents. Thanks!**


	18. August 21, 1989

**A/N: I'm back! And I've got another chapter done and here for you! I hope you guys are enjoying this…please review and let me know. I love getting the reviews!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own…duh.**

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_August 21, 1989_

_This has been a busy, busy, BUSY week Maddie and I'm almost glad it is coming to an end. I'm not even sure where to start. I guess that has been a normal thing here huh? Well, I guess we'll start at the biggest thing…my house._

_That is right, I have a house Maddie! I'm so excited; actually, I'm not sure that even covers the excitement I have. Rory too! The house is close to town, in walking distance of both the store and William's house and Rory's school, everything. It's amazing. It's the one I was talking about earlier; we're renting it from Chef Jenkins as a rent-to-own kind of deal. We are officially all unpacked as of last night. That was so incredibly liberating._

_To unpack the last box I mean. I'm glad to be done.__ I mean I'm still getting things around and settled, but it's good. I'm so excited here. William and Luke have been fantastic. Liz too! Painting, building shelves, putting stuff in the attic for me, and pretty much anything else I've needed. Including stocking my fridge with plenty of quick ready-to-eat meals that only have to be nuked, all I can say is God bless Luke._

_We painted Rory's room a pretty pale shade of yellow and sunflower drapes over her windows. She picked out a denim blue comforter for her bed that fits perfectly. She's really got a nice eye for decorating her own space. She was so excited she got to do that. She's my little big girl._

_My room is a little more grown up. Well, sorta! He-he…I've still got my Hello Kitty alarm clock, but the colors are green and brown. A nice relaxing atmosphere. I couldn't love it more.__ The furniture isn't the greatest, leftovers from the Inn's last remodel a few years ago, but they are sturdy and in decently kept up. _

_I love my house…_

"Hey Lorelai," Luke's voice called from the entry way, "you here?"

"In the living room," she called back setting her diary down on the coffee table. "What are you doing here?"

"I brought those bookshelves I promised for Rory," he answered coming into the living room holding his toolbox. "I thought I could install them while she's in school so when she gets home she'll be surprised."

"Awh, Luke that's wonderful!" Lorelai gushed happily clapping her hands together, "I didn't think you'd have them done so fast."

"Wasn't a big deal," Luke shrugged, "do you know where she wants them?"

"Yeah," Lorelai nodded and motioned for him to follow, "I'll show you."

"Thanks," Luke followed Lorelai into Rory's room and twenty minutes later they had finally decided where to put the three shelves he had made and painted for Rory. Luke grunted in frustration as he brought in the shelves and Lorelai couldn't help but giggle to herself. Messing with Luke's head had become a daily activity that Lorelai found immense pleasure from.

"I hate that you do that you know."

"Do what?" she asked innocently and she heard his sigh from the kitchen.

"That," Luke groaned, "you can't just be nice to me, can you?"

"I am nice to you."

"Sure you are."

"What are you trying to say Luke?"

"That you can be such a pain…"

"HEY!"

"I'm just saying…"

"I'm perfectly nice to you, all the time."

"You are not," Luke argued poking his head into the doorway, "you drive me crazy."

"Dirty," Lorelai gasped and Luke rolled his eyes and Lorelai giggled again.

"I could leave this for you to do if you want," Luke joked and picked up his toolbox to leave and Lorelai grabbed his arm to stop him.

"No Luke," Lorelai pretended to swoon, "at least leave Bert here."

"I have asked you repeatedly not to call my toolbox by a name, can't you respect that?"

"Um, obviously not. Now, you put up the shelves and I'll make the coffee."

"Coffee will kill you; you shouldn't be drinking the stuff."

"Luke!" Lorelai scolded, "I can't believe you would say such a completely horrendous thing! Coffee will not kill you, it is the dream drink. I couldn't live without it."

"I'm sure you could live without it."

"You apparently have not seen me in the mornings without it," Lorelai countered and Luke just shrugged his shoulders while shaking his head.

"I'm warning you now," Lorelai continued with small smile, "you don't ever want me to see me in the morning without my coffee. I can be a monster."

"That is just in the morning?"

"You hurt me Luke," Lorelai cried mockingly, "you hurt me deep."

"You'll get over it," Luke teased.

"I suppose," Lorelai sipped her coffee and leaned against the doorframe to Rory's room and watched as Luke drilled the final shelf into place. "She's really going to love these. I can't thank you enough for doing this."

"It's no problem, I told you that already."

"I know…"

"Don't be all modest now Gilmore," Luke mumbled, "I don't mind doing this for you and Rory, she's worth it."

"Oh she is?"

"Yeah," Luke nodded, "that little girl of yours is quite a character, quite like her crazy mother and I'm happy to be a friend."

"I'm glad you are."

"Me too," Luke answered, "hey, can I ask you something?"

"Well, since you just did…"

"Geez," Luke grumbled, "something else too? It's about my dad."

"Is something wrong with him?" Lorelai asked hurriedly and Luke shrugged.

"I don't know," he answered honestly, "has he said anything to you about not feeling well? He's been acting so strange lately. I'm worried."

"You should ask him about it," Lorelai told him, "but no, he hasn't said anything to me. Though, I do know what you mean…about acting strange I mean. I've noticed that too."

"Okay," Luke nodded, "so it's not just me. That makes me feel better…a little."

"Do you think we should talk to him?"

"Maybe…he'll talk to you, he always does."

"He talks to you too Luke," Lorelai fought, "probably more."

"Not sure about that," Luke said, "but maybe over dinner this weekend."

"Sounds like a plan," Lorelai agreed.

"Great," Luke nodded, "I'm going to get out of your hair. Dad is expecting me back at the store."

"Oh for sure," Lorelai agreed, "thanks again for doing this Luke."

"My pleasure," Luke said, "I'll see you later?"

"Yup," she told him and waved as he headed out the back door and she sighed to herself before pouring herself another cup of coffee.

She headed back to the living room and sank back down onto the couch. She glanced at her diary and mentally debated before picking it up and flipping back open to the page she was on.

_I can not, I repeat, can not let myself start…oh man, I don't think I can even __write it. No, it's not real…it's just…convenient. __Yeah, convenient.__ I'm having a good time getting to know Luke better and really becoming pretty good friends with him. He's a great friend and has really taken to Rory. And Rory loves him. She is starting to see him a father-figure light and has much as I am happy for that…it scares me too. _

_I don't want her to get to close to him if he ends up leaving and moving to California with Kara when they get married. He swears he isn't going to move away…but I don't know. I mean, I just…I don't know. I think that Kara will get her way, the girl always does.__ I wouldn't be surprised if he was moving to California within six months._

_I'm just saying…_

_I could be wrong._

_I hope I'm wrong really, but I guess we won't know._

_They still haven't set a date yet. I wonder when it will happen. I guess I'm just being a…I don't want to say jealous, but…it's weird._

_I need to get out and not think about this anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me…_

-----------------------------

Luke couldn't take it anymore and his conversation with Lorelai the day before wasn't doing anything to calm his nerves. He watched his dad with a steady eye, looking for any clue as to what could be bothering the elder Danes man.

"Luke," Liz's voice interrupted his thoughts and he silently cursed, "Can you do me a favor?"

"Um, sure?"

"Great! Can you take Jess to the library, he's got some project he has to do but I promise Lorelai I'd help her with some stuff tonight at the Inn for some big wedding party they are having there next week and…"

"Sure," Luke agreed with a quick nod of his head, "I can watch him tonight."

"Thanks Luke," Liz exclaimed, "You are the best big brother and uncle ever! He'll be getting home from school within the next hour or so, I'm headed over to the Inn now."

"What about Rory?"

"Oh," Liz shrugged, "I think…I think she might be going to the Inn with us."

"Call Lorelai and tell her I'll take Rory with Jess and me to the library so you can work without any distraction, it's no problem at all."

"Oh Luke that would be so great," Liz cried "I'll call over to her office now. Thanks again!"

Luke just shook his head as he watched his sister rush upstairs to the store's office and chuckled to himself. He couldn't get over how scattered brained she could be, even now with having a kid. He still hoped that she would settle down and sow some more permanent roots and loose her immaturity.

Lorelai on the other hand was not immature and Luke was getting a kick of getting to know her and having a friendship with her. Even though she was so young when Rory was born she knows more than she should and works harder than anyone he's ever known and he can't deny it to himself anymore, he was fascinated by her.

That scared him more than he knew.

The ringing of the phone behind him pulled him from his thoughts and he grabbed at it hurriedly.

"William's Hardware," he said into the phone and grinned slightly when the Kara's voice answered him.

"Hey Luke," she greeted happily and Luke could tell she was smiling big, "I miss you."

"I miss you too Kara," he automatically answered, "when are you coming to visit?"

"Actually I wanted to talk to you about that…"

"Okay."

"I want you to come here," she told him and Luke held in the groan that came to his lips.

"I can't do that Kara," he told her, "I've got to work."

"But Luke," Kara interrupted, "I want you to see the place I want to have the wedding so we can get it booked and we need to go over some of the other wedding stuff…"

"Like the date."

"Yeah," Kara stated, "Actually I think I have that all figured out."

"You do?"

"Yup, I really am thinking about December, Christmastime."

Luke groaned, "Christmas?"

"It would be beautiful here then," Kara insisted, "I'd really like a Christmas wedding."

"This is really what you want?" Luke asked and he could almost in-vision her head bobbing up and down earnestly.

"I do Luke, really."

"Okay then," Luke stated, "we'll have a Christmas wedding."

"Thank you Luke!" she cried, "you won't be disappointed."

"And I'll even fly out for you this week," Luke agreed too, "I know I need to."

"Oh thank you so much! Just let me know when you are coming and we'll get the plans made. Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Kara, I'd do anything for you, I love you."

"I love you too," Kara smiled through the phone, "so much! I'm so happy about all of this Luke! I'm so happy."

"I'm happy too Kara," Luke said more for his own benefit than hers, "I miss you though. You're going to have to come out here soon so we can look for a place to live. We'll get plans for that made while I'm there though."

"Yeah that sounds great Luke," Kara said and Luke could tell she was distracted, "hey I've gotta go. My mom and I are going dress shopping today with my sister and she just got here. I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah I call you later tonight when I've made my flight plans."

"Perfect, love you."

"Love you," Luke answered and was then greeted with a dial tone. Laughing quietly he replaced the phone just as an older customer came in and he turned his attention to his work.

----------------------------

_I feel so dead today Maddie. I'm so tired and working my butt off with this horrific bridezilla in town and making my life hell. I'm so thankful that Liz agreed to come and help me out today and Luke was more than a miracle when he agreed to take the kids to the library while we worked. I don't know what I would have done without them._

_Liz and I are working some more on the house tomorrow. Painting the kitchen probably and maybe the living room too…not sure about that yet, but I'm just happy to be almost done with the house._

_I love it!_

_Well since I'm about to keel over Maddie I should probably close my eyes and fade to dreamland…Rory is sleeping in her new room for the first __time tonight. I hope she likes it._

_I know she is._

_She is._

_She's such an amazing kid. I'm glad that everything is working out with her. She's got a best friend in Jess and school is doing amazing things for her confidence. I wonder if she has any other friends at school, I haven't really heard anything about it yet. She's only been there a week though…_

_I'll have to ask her about that tomorrow…she needs too. She can't cling to Jess forever._

_I'm glad they are in the same class and get along so well though._

_They need each other. I hope they never forget that._

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**A/N: ****Yay**** for another chapter being written! I hope you liked this one. The story line is starting to develop more and I hope that it is developing in a positive way. Please tell me what you think…I like to know.**


	19. September 1, 1989

**A/N: Another update! Not much to say today so I'll just let you read.**

**Disclaimer: I don't know.**

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_September 1, 1989_

_Things are quiet around here right now. It's nice. Being in my own house has really helped that. Like a lot. Rory loves it, I know she does. She is still a fairly quiet girl, but she's starting to really bloom. I'm so thankful for Jess and Lane._

_Lane is Rory's new best girl friend. They have the same kindergarten teacher, Jess too, and they have grown incredibly close. Lane's mom though, I don't think she likes me much. They are Korean and __uber__ Christian and I don't think she appreciates the fact that I was a teenage mother._

_I'm sure not anybody does really. The other parents give me funny looks when I drop off Rory or pick her up; I'm looked at like a leper. It doesn't faze me as much as it used to. The looks are normal now for me. I guess that is what happens when you are twenty one and are dragging around your five year old._

_I don't have one problem with it though. Rory is the best thing that ever happened to me. That will never change._

_Her birthday is coming up soon._

_And yes Maddie, I know what that means._

_Would you believe me if I told you I'd tried? __Probably not huh?__ I guess that is warranted, but I have. Several times actually. But I've never had enough courage to actually wait until the line picked up. I've even written a few letters but I've never had a chance to mail them. I haven't given myself a chance to mail them in all honestly. I'm scared out of my mind too._

_I'm not sure how they'll respond._

_I'm not sure I want to find that out either._

_But I have too. I do, for Rory's sake._

_That's it Lorelai, do it for your daughter. She deserves to know her grandparents. I know they'll adore her. Or at least they'd better. We wouldn't go back if they didn't._

_I couldn't put her through the same thing that I endured as a child. She shouldn't have to go through their bitterness and distain. I'll keep that from happening if it kills me._

_She's my world; I'd do anything to protect her._

_You'd do the same though, Maddie, wouldn't you? That is what I thought._

_She keeps me so grounded. She's the smartest thing around, I swear. She's going to be the next…big shot. I'm not sure who'll she want to be. I'll make sure she has the chance to become whatever she wants though. It's totally her decision._

_Okay, I'm about to admit something Maddie that I'm not sure is a good idea, but you've always been good at keeping secrets for me before, so I'm not going to doubt you now. That wouldn't be fair, would it?_

_No, I didn't think so._

_Okay, but on to the big secret._

_I miss Luke. _

_I know, I know, it's a stop the presses moment. I Lorelai Victoria Gilmore miss one Lucas William Danes. _

_And I'm not sure why._

_I mean, I know why, I suppose. He's become a good friend and he makes one damn good cup of coffee. He's a lot more laid back than Liz; it's almost easier to get along with him than his younger sister. And he is very handy; he's been helping us out at the house so much lately. Him and William both, they've been great._

_God, it sounds like I'm in love with him. I swear to you on a pile of coffee beans, I'm really not. I just haven't had a friend like him in a long time. I feel bad saying that, Liz was my friend long before Luke and I started getting along, but I'm so much closer to him now. Is that horrible Maddie? It feels horrible. _

_He's supposed to be getting back from California in the next couple days and I'm so glad. I'm going to make him come over, brew me a pot of coffee, and fix the window in my bedroom. It's a great plan._

_I hope that all their wedding plans are falling into place. I know Kara was excited about it. Luke too, of course. __I mean, w__ho wouldn't be excited about their__ own__ wedding?_

_Even if their fiancé was a complete…no, Lorelai stop, you have no right judging Kara. __Even if I wanted to.__ I mean, Luke loves her, obviously or he wouldn't have proposed to her, right? I'm talking myself around in circles here Maddie and I, for some reason, can't stop._

_I have to stop this. I need to go on a real date. Maybe that will help me figure out and redirect my feelings towards Luke. He is just a friend._

_My best friend._

_-----------------------------_

"But Luke," Kara whimpered, "You haven't even had a chance to get settled out here or really plan anything and now you have to go back already? It's not fair."

"Kara," Luke argued, "I've been out here for almost two weeks already. I have to get home and back to work. My dad is counting on me."

"But…"

"And I don't need to get settled out here," he reminded her, "because when we're married we'll be moving back east anyways. Right?"

"Well…"

"Kara," Luke interrupted her, "We are not doing this again, are we?"

"Please Luke," Kara begged, "Please, please, please! We could build such a great life out here. Don't you think we could build a life here?"

"We can build a life anywhere Kara," Luke informed her. "I can't leave my dad with the store. He needs my help."

"But," Kara started again and Luke rubbed the back of his head anxiously. Kara stopped herself and nodded, "Okay. You're right Luke, I'm sorry. We've already decided to move back to Connecticut after the wedding, I'm sorry to keep arguing it."

Luke sighed and looked into the eyes of his fiancé before shrugging, "it's okay. Now, come hug me and send me on the plane. I need to get home. You'll be visiting later this month though, right"

"Of course," Kara beamed throwing her arms around his neck. "I'll call you as soon as I book my ticket. I love you Luke."

"Love you too Kara," Luke kissed her briefly before boarding his plane. Kara waited until the plane was out of sight before going to find her car and start a new phase of planning.

-----------------------------

Luke was not one for flying, never had been, and the turbulence the plane was feeling had started to affect his stomach. The Captain had just announced that they were going to land on time and Luke hoped that his dad or Lorelai had remembered to come pick him up.

He gripped the side of his seat until his knuckles began to turn white as he felt the plane start to get lower and lower into the sky. It wasn't until the plane had fully stopped did he relax all the way.

He gave himself several minutes before trying to stand and gathered his carry on bag and headed into the terminal.

It wasn't long before two little arms wrapped themselves around his leg.

"Luke," Rory greeted happily, "You're home!"

"I sure am princess," he answered picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder playfully. "Did you miss me?"

Rory nodded enthusiastically, "I did, a lot. Jess did too, though he said I was supposed to keep that a secret. He says it isn't good for a boy to miss his uncle and admit it. I think he's silly for thinking that. Don't you?"

"I sure do," Luke agreed and then looked around looking for the older version of the girl he held in his arms. "Hey, where is your mother?"

"I'm right here," Lorelai's voice answered from behind him and he turned to meet the piercing blue eyes his friend smiled with. "Welcome back stranger."

"Thanks," Luke answered trying to ignore the butterflies that swarmed in his stomach. "It's good to be home."

"William says he's sorry he wasn't able to come himself," Lorelai started and Luke just shrugged, "he really wanted to."

"I know," Luke assured her, "the store keeps him busy. How is he doing? Does he seem okay?"

Lorelai glanced at Rory and gave him the 'I'll tell you later' look that worried Luke. She flashed a bright smile to try and cover it up and took his carry on into one arm and his empty arm in the other.

"Come on Danes," she drawled, "let's get your bags and get out of here."

------------------------------

"He's gotten so much weaker," Lorelai said quietly has she and Luke sat on their porch in the early evening light and brought the bottle of beer to her lips. "He's trying to cover it up, but I can tell. He gets tired so quickly. I'm sure you've noticed…"

Luke nodded, "tonight even. I wish I knew what was wrong with him though. He's refusing to go to the doctor. He says he is fine. What am I going to do?"

"Maybe he is fine," Lorelai offered with a shrug, "I mean…"

"I know what you mean," Luke agreed, "but something in my gut says that it isn't fine. I wish I could shake this feeling."

"You'll know I'll stand with you guys no matter what," Lorelai assured him and Luke nodded, "you're the only family I have."

"Lorelai, have you thought about getting in touch with your parents?"

She nodded and Luke looked at her expectantly and she sighed, "I promised myself that I would contact them by Rory's fifth birthday."

"And that is…what next month?"

"October eighth," Lorelai choked, "I'm scared."

"Why?"

"They weren't thrilled when I told them I was pregnant," Lorelai explained, "they really weren't thrilled when I decided not to marry her father, or when I ran away from home and wouldn't come back. They aren't very, oh what is the word…welcoming? I just don't want them to take it out on Rory, all my mistakes I mean. I have a feeling they'll hold it against her."

"But maybe they won't," Luke countered, "you have to give them a chance. She deserves to know her grandparents."

"I know," Lorelai groaned, "And I won't go back on this promise. I swear. By her birthday I'll have contacted them with the choice to have us over for dinner or something. I guess we'll see."

Luke patted her knee and smiled, "good girl."

"Okay father," Lorelai joked and Luke shook his head with a laugh.

"I'm just saying that is a good idea," Luke said, "come on. I'm going to go, I'm opening for dad in the morning."

"Bye Luke," Lorelai waved, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye and thanks again for the lift from the airport."

Lorelai only nodded and watched as Luke walked down the driveway and back towards town. Lorelai sat quietly for a few minutes before heading up the stairs and too her room. Sinking down on her bed she picked up the book on her bedside table.

_I'm in way over my head here._

------------------------------

**A/N: So…what did you think? You know ****the drill, leave a review and get**** an update! I hope ya'll are still reading…**


	20. October 8, 1989

**A/N: Another chapter is here and I really like this one. It's a bit on the long side, but completely worth it. I promise. You might not like it all, it's going to keep some things going here…but trust me. I have a purpose and a plan for it all. No worries.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own GG…**

**-------------------------------------------**

_October 8, 1989_

_Oh my god, I didn't think this day was ever going to end. Oh hell, I didn't think this week would ever get over.__ My baby's fifth birthday was quite an eventful…um, what's the word to use…let's try this, disaster. Yeah, I think disaster pretty much covers it. I swear Maddie, I'm not exaggerating either. Not even a little bit._

_I guess I should start out at the beginning and explain. It would make much more sense if I explained what has happened. So, it all started with the promise I made myself and Rory to call my parents before her fifth birthday. I wanted her to have the chance to know them. I mean, she deserves that, right? Well, I sure thought so. I called my dad's office, knowing that was probably the best way to get a hold of them without having my head separated from my body._

_Dad seemed surprised to hear from me. I couldn't really blame him though. I mean, it's been so long since we've talked. Since I've even tried to make contact really, so I guess it made sense __to go through it that way. _

_I told him exactly what I wanted, to have dinner with him and mom with Rory so that they could see her, meet her, and just so they can spend time with her and visa-versa. He seemed very excited, very happy about it, but at the same time, very reserved. He had to talk to mom, __which__ was of course, expected, but I was so nervous about __that. _

_That is probably why I called him and not her. I don't know if I could have gotten thru a full conversation with her. Probably because I haven't spoken to her in about five years. Yeah, I haven't actually __spoke__ to her since I left Hartford that fateful night. _

_Honestly, I was so scared to even try to bridge the gap between us. I mean, I wasn't sure if I had damaged the relationship to the point of no return. And with it all, I was probably right to have my concerns. Let's just say the air was icy.__At the dinner._

_I'll skip the middle ground, basically all that contained was the agreement to dine with them at__ the house in Hartford tonight, just like all the 'family' dinners I had to attend growing up. It was hard agreeing to that. I honestly was hoping that they might come to Stars Hollow, though I didn't necessarily want that either. _

_I think I was trying to sabotage myself. I mean, I wanted to have dinner with them, I did…sorta, but at the same time I was really hoping that they didn't actually follow through._

_I shouldn't have doubted them._

_That mistake was on me. __We arrived at the house at ten till seven and it took me about a full eight minutes before I got the confidence up to actually ring the doorbell. Rory kept looking up at me __wondering what was happening and why I was hesitating. When I finally rang the doorbell we were greeted by an unfamiliar maid, which different surprise me and then drinks were given._

_I'm telling you though, ice, complete ice._

_Conversation was strained. Jabs were taken, subtly of course, but they were definitely taken. I knew that I was risking that though. The jabs at me, the condensation, the anger my mother felt, all of it, I knew what I was risking in giving Rory that opportunity. _

_Dad dotted on her, quite nicely, and mom even too. I mean, when they were talking about Rory or talking to he__r you could tell that they love her. I know they do, that was never a question really. I don't think I ever questioned that. Not really. I mean, as much as I screwed up and I know that their bitterness has a lot to do with my mistakes._

_But they've made mistakes too. Shouldn't they have to deal with them? They won't though. They never will__ it's not in their world._

_I was so glad to finally leave. It was the longest 2 and half hours of my life. I was so desperate to leave, but then felt guilty too. I mean, as much as I didn't want to, I felt bad for wanting to leave, for wanting to take my daughter and run again. _

_I guess that is why I offered to start coming around again. Not much mind you, but on holidays or such. Rory deserves to have a relationship with them. I know I keep saying that, but it is true. It really is.__ I've so mixed up right now. I want to give my daughter a chance to know her grandparents but I selfishly want to keep running in the opposite direction. I don't want to risk letting myself get pulled back into that world, their world. I don't think I could handle that._

_That life crushed me. It suffocated me. That is why I ran to begin with. I couldn't stand to be suffocated anymore. I needed to get out, to be able to breath on my own for once in my life. I promised myself that __Rory would never have to deal with that same suffocating pressure. I want her to have the freedom to chose her life and make it her own._

_To have the chance to do things that I never got to do. Which really may sound odd, because I got to do a lot as a child, I can't lie and say I didn't live a blessed life, because I did. I just didn't necessary like the blessings that always surrounded me._

_What a horrible, selfish person I must sound like. _

_Dad tried to give me money tonight. I love and hate him for that. I mean, he's just trying to be a good dad, I get that, but at the same time, I don't want to rely on them. I haven't relied on them for five years now. Why should I start again?_

_I'm not going to Maddie. Which is why I didn't take it. The check I mean. __I don't think mom knew that he was going to offer it to me. She probably wouldn't have approved. But that doesn't matter. The gesture was kind, but I couldn't accept it. _

_I'm glad that I'm now at home, curled up on my couch, with a large cup of coffee next to me, safe. I feel safer now here, by myself, than with my parents. Ever. _

_I feel like __an__ evil daughter. I shouldn't feel this way about my parents, should I?_

"Lorelai?" Luke's voice called from the foyer, "You in here?"

"Yeah," Lorelai answered calling him in, "I'm in the living room. What are you doing here?"

"I figured you probably had a rough night and could use some company. Am I wrong?"

"Not all at," Lorelai laughed, "especially if you brought chocolate with you."

"I'd never walk into this house without something for you," Luke joked, "to eat at least. I have this really amazing chocolate pudding pie I thought you might like."

"Might?" Lorelai scoffed, "try love. Grab a couple forks from the kitchen please and get that butt of yours in here with the chocolate. I so need a break from all this emotional stuff from tonight."

"Was it really that bad?" Luke asked from the kitchen and Lorelai nodded, realizing that he couldn't even see her. "I know you've been dreading it all week."

"It was bad," Lorelai stated simply. "It was completely predictable. Subtle jabs at me all night from my mother, who hasn't approved of a single thing I've done since the 7th grade and my father trying to buy my love with a check for twenty thousand dollars. It was like every other family dinner at the Gilmore residence."

"Wow," Luke breathed coming back into the living room with the requested pie and forks, "what a blast."

"Oh yeah," Lorelai rolled her eyes and dove into the pie. "This is amazing Luke, thank you!"

"You're welcome," Luke smiled and Lorelai could have sworn she saw a blush rise on his cheeks, but as soon as she looked it was gone again and he started to speak again. "I just wanted to be here for you. You're like the only friend I have in town and I want to be here for you."

"You have no idea how much I appreciate that," Lorelai whispered. "And I'm not your only friend, you have Kirk."

"Oh please Lorelai," Luke groaned, "Kirk and I are not friends."

"You aren't?"

"No."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes."

"I'm not so sure."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, that no matter how hard you try to deny it, I think that Kirk is really your friend. Maybe not in the conventional way, but all in all, you can't ignore that forever."

"Why do you think that? What, in your twisted way of thinking, makes you believe that I'm actually friends with Kirk Gleason?"

"How long have you known him?"

"Since grade school."

"Okay. You've known him since you were kids, you spend time with him, he follows you everywhere, and wants to be you…sounds like a friendship to me."

"It just sounds like he's a weirdo stalker to me," Luke laughed, "which actually now doesn't really shock me."

"You're horrible," Lorelai gasped and slugged his shoulder playfully, "I'm going to be there the day you finally realize that you have a friendship with Kirk, as weird of one as it might be, and I'll be able to say 'I told you so'."

"How funny you must think you are," Luke chuckled. "If I ever have that moment I think I'll kill myself before you actually get a chance to say that."

Lorelai leaned back against the couch and smiled, "we'll see about that."

"Sure will," Luke answered leaning back next to her. "So…"

"I really don't want to talk about it," Lorelai began and she heard Luke sigh next to her. "I just…I knew it was a bad idea. I did and yet I went anyways."

"And you'll be glad you did after the shock of everything wears off," Luke assured her, "I mean. You have given Rory a chance to really know her grandparents and build a relationship with them. You should feel good about that."

"What if I said I didn't feel good about it," Lorelai exclaimed, "how horrible of a mother am I?"

"You are not a horrible mother," Luke commented and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, "You are the best mother I know. You remind me a lot of my mom actually."

"Oh Luke," Lorelai sighed and leaned against him, "thank you. You have no idea what that means to me. It definitely makes tonight more bearable."

"It's what I'm here for," Luke answered and pulled away. "So, I have a question for you…"

"Of course."

"I want you to come to California with my family for the wedding," Luke told her and Lorelai focused her eyes on her hands which sat in her lap. "You're my closest friend and I want you there."

"Luke…"

"I know it's a strange request," Luke interrupted quickly as he started pacing, "but…I don't know. It just doesn't seem right if you don't go."

"I can't."

"But…"

"Luke," Lorelai interrupted, "I'm so thankful that I have you in my life and we've built a friendship that will last a lifetime, but I can't be your closest friend anymore."

"Why?"

"Because you are engaged," Lorelai said simply with a shrug, "and your future wife should be your closest friend. She has to be the one that fills that spot now."

"Lorelai…"

"I'm sorry Luke," Lorelai finished, "I just…I can't. And I know you don't understand this, I'm not sure I even do completely. But I can't go to the wedding. It will be a great ceremony and I'm so happy for you, and I'll be here to celebrate with you and Kara when you get back. But…I just…I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I'm not sure it is," Lorelai said with a shrug, "but thanks for understanding."

"I didn't say I understood," Luke said with a bitter tone, "but its okay. I should probably go."

"Yeah," Lorelai whispered sadly, "I guess you should. Luke, look I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize Lorelai," Luke interrupted her, "don't. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah you will."

"Good. Give Rory a hug for me."

Lorelai nodded and hugged her arms to herself as she watched Luke gravitate towards to door, seeming almost defeated. She heard the door shut and sank down into the couch again and sighed. Her hands were shaking as she picked up her diary again.

_I don't know what came over me tonight. Luke just left and right now I feel so horrible. Why didn't I say yes I'd go to the wedding? As his friend I should have gone. He wanted me there, I should have gone. Maybe I still should. I mean. It is going to be hard. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I have to now. __At least to myself._

_I think…I think I've fallen in love with my best friend. _

_What in the hell am I going to do Maddie? He's engaged. __Engaged.__ He's getting married, in December. God, what timing I have. It makes me sad that I didn't meet Luke before. Before he was engaged, before…just before._

_I wish that I could have had my first kid with someone that I truly loved.__ I don't regret Rory, or the joy that she brings to my life, but sometimes I wonder. I can't help but wonder about what life would be if I would have waited to start a family…not that Rory was necessarily planned, but…_

_So many questions and thoughts._

_But I guess what is really on my mind now is the fact that I'm in love with someone that I've grown exceptionally close to over the last six months or so, who is engaged._

_God, I'm in love with someone who is engaged. What in the hell was I thinking?_

_I wasn't. That seems to be my problem. I tend not to think things through all the way. __God._

_I'm such a mess._

_What am I going to do? I have no idea. As much as I want to know and as much as I want to make sense of it all, I can't. I refuse to be a home wrecker. It looks like I'm just going to have to bury this. These feelings, I just can't act on them. I can't think about them or let them fester. _

_I just need to find someone else to date. That will __help me__ get my mind off of all this. I just wish it was that easy. But it isn't._

_Life never is._

_But I've survived worse, you know? I'm a survivor. It's what I do._

_I just wish, for once, that I could have someone there to save me. To give me a chance to lean on them. To not have to face life on my own._

_I just don't know if I'll ever find it._

_I want to. Find it. That love that will survive anything and be the stronghold for life. To have what William had with Leah. I want that. What girl doesn't?_

_Man, the first guy I fall in love with has to be engaged. What kind of karma is that? _

_At least I have him as my friend. That will have to do._

_---------------------------------_

**A/N: So she finally admitted it to herself. I guess that is always the first step, isn't it? I guess you'll just have to wait and find out what happens.**


	21. December 12, 1989

**A/N: Holy crap, it's been forever! I'm so sorry about the wait. I'm not sure why it's been so hard to write lately, I've been crazy busy. But anyways, I'm back! I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Gilmore Girls. **

**--------------------------------------**

_December 12, 1989_

_How in the hell did I let myself get talked into this Maddie?_

_I mean, I told myself I wouldn'__t d__o this. It was bad enough admitting to myself that Luke is more than a friend to__me and now I don't have a chance, but then to witness it all first hand?__To be there center stage when he says 'I do.'__ I don't know if I can handle it. But where I am, sitting on __an__ airplane, thousands of miles in the air, somewhere over the Midwest._

_My life._

_I'm on my way to Long Beach, California and the wedding of the century. Well, maybe it won't be considered the wedding of the century for most people, but for me…_

_God, I have to get over him. I have to. __I care enough about him to let him go. It sounds silly really, I haven't even known him for a year yet and already I'm so…yeah, so, anyways. How does someone become so important to your life in such a short amount of time? Is what I'm feeling even possible?_

_Is it? __Cause__ I'm not sure it is, and yet, here I am. God, how did life get so complicated? Why?_

_I guess I now just have to give myself the time and chance to get over him. I guess that is why I've been seeing this guy at home.__ I know Maddie; you don't have to scold me. He's nice enough, I guess, but…_

_Oh, his name is Tom. He works at the high __school;__ he's the gym teacher and basketball coach. I know…me, dating an athletic guy? It doesn't make sense, but he seems to really like me and I like him. It isn't like we've been dating long, only a couple weeks now. We've only had a grand total of four dates, but, maybe he might be a future for me._

_It's too soon to tell for sure. I don't love him yet, but I'm not counting that out. I'm not counting anything out yet._

_I'm letting myself get all depressed, Maddie, with all this thought and stuff. Maybe I should try to grab some sleep before we touchdown. Let's just hope I can actually sleep._

_-------------------------------------------------_

Luke couldn't help but let his eyes drift over across the aisle to where Lorelai was deep in concentration and he saw the pink tinted paper in front of her and had to smile. She was so avid about writing in that thing, a diary, which he thought most girls stopped doing around age 13, but for her, there was something that just made it sweet.

He had always wondered what she wrote about, what plagued her thoughts and spilled over onto those pages. He'd never know, that was off limits, he knew that, but he would always wonder about it.

He was thankful for her friendship. They had come leaps and bounds since they had first met when he came home for Spring break last year and now he considered her one of his best friends, if not his best friend. She always seemed to be there, and would worry with him, and gave him a sense of comfort he'd never really known in such a long time.

Luke smiled a bit before closing his eyes and a picture of another brunette haired beauty filled his head. He would always see his mother when he looked at Lorelai. They were so similar and he knew that if his mom was still around she would just drink Lorelai in. They'd be soul sisters and that just made him grin. It hadn't taken long for him to realize why his father had brought Lorelai in to their family after getting to know her. He knew that he wasn't the only one that was reminded of his mother when he looked in her big blue eyes.

"You okay son?" his father's voice asked pulling Luke from his thoughts and Luke nodded. "You seem, distracted."

"Just thinking about my wedding," Luke lied, "I can't believe I'll be getting married in less than a week."

"This is a very big step," William acknowledged, "Now…"

"I'm ready dad," Luke anticipated and stepped in. "I love Kara and I can't wait to start my life with her."

"Then why do I have a feeling you weren't just thinking about your soon-to-be wife?" William asked and Luke groaned and caught a glimpse of Lorelai out of the corner of his eye. "I just want you to be sure that you are doing what you want, and not what you think is expected."

"I love Kara."

"I know you do," William assured him, "I'm not doubting that."

"Then what is this?"

"I'm just wondering if you are in love with her," William answered.

"Dad?"

"There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

"Yes," Luke answered, "And I'm marrying Kara. She's the one for me."

"If she makes you happy," William started, "then that is what I want for you. I just want to make sure that you're happy. If Kara is the girl that you picture your life with then, marry her."

Luke nodded, afraid to trust his voice or his words after that. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep after that, but he didn't think it was possible. Especially when a pair of stunning blue eyes filled his thoughts.

---------------------------------------------

_California is beautiful; I can understand why Kara loves it so much. I mean, who wouldn't love the perfect sunshine and mild temperatures in mid-December? __I mean, we came from freezing temps to this gorgeous weather and I wouldn't mind staying here forever. _

_Okay, so that is a lie. I'd miss the snow too much. The snow and me, we go way back, and I couldn't leave that._

_Okay, so enough about the weather, cause that is just boring. I guess I should fill in some holes. Our plan was magically on time and because of the time difference it was still pretty early when we got here and now we are just hanging out in our hotel room. Mine and Rory's room sits adjacent to Liz and Jess' with a door between. That has made it easy for Jess and Rory to talk and spend time together._

_Those two are just so adorable._

_Luke and William are staying on the other side of Liz and Jess. _

_I know, I thought it was a bit strange that Luke wasn't staying with his fiancé, but I guess her parent's are really old-fashioned and don't like the thought of premarital sex. That leaves Luke sharing a room with his dad for the next week. I find it funny._

_I know, I'm horrible._

_I really don't mean to be. I really don't. _

_This should be an interesting week. I'm going to be on my best behavior. I did promise myself that.__To behave.__ I can do that, can't I?_

_-------------------------------------_

"I don't know what I'm going to do Luke," Kara whined, "I can't believe that Larissa can't make it."

"Kara," Luke stopped her, "She can't help it about her family emergency."

"I know Luke," Kara whimpered, "but who am I going to find to fill in her spot? We can't have an uneven wedding party."

"You'll find someone," Luke assured her, "You have lots of friends. Don't worry about it. This is supposed to be the greatest day of our life, I don't want you all stressed out."

"You're right," Kara sighed leaning into his arms, "I'll call Jenna or something. It won't be hard to find a replacement. I'm so glad you are here."

"I'm glad I'm here too," Luke smiled, "I love you."

"I love you too Luke," Kara whispered before placing a kiss on his lips. "I love you so much."

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_December 14, 1989_

_How in the hell did I get myself into this mess? How? That is all I want to know Maddie. How do I always allow myself to get tied into something that I don't want to do? I guess you're wondering what I'm talking about huh? I wish I could explain how this happened._

_Right now I'm taking a break from altering my new bridesmaid dress._

_Yup, you heard me right. I'm a bridesmaid now. _

_Oh God._

_Apparently one of her friends had to cancel due to a family emergency and I was here and being begged to be in the wedding so she didn't have an uneven wedding party and so now…_

_God, why did I agree to this? Am I really that glutton fo__r punishment? Apparently that'__s a yes. _

_At least the dress isn't horrible and I'll be with Liz who was already a bridesmaid. I just don't understand why she had to ask me. It doesn't make sense.__ We barely know each other. Why would she think to ask me, unless…unless Luke asked her to ask me. But I don't think that is the case either, __cause__ he seemed just as surprised as I was, when she asked today at lunch._

_And because she asked in front of the family and Luke I felt like I had to say yes. Though, I probably would have thought that even if she had asked me in private._

_Oh shit._

_It's late and I'm tired and I'm cranky now. I need to sleep. Maybe this will look better in the morning. Hopefully._

_-----------------------------------------_

"You know Kara," Luke started as they rocked together on the porch swing at her parents' house, "it was really nice of you to ask Lorelai to be in the wedding. Thank you."

"She's your friend," Kara answered with a shrug, "it made sense. Do you think she minds?"

"Nah," Luke answered, "She's a good sport and a good friend. She'd do anything for my family."

"It's amazing how close ya'll have gotten since you met her last spring," Kara prodded and Luke struggled to keep calm. "I'm happy you've got such a close friend at home."

"Yeah," Luke agreed, "Sometimes it is hard for me to allow people into my life."

"Oh I know," Kara replied, "I tried so hard to get you to notice me before you asked me out. I was afraid I'd never get the attention of Mr. Lucas Danes, star of the track team at college. Then you finally asked me out and I was over the moon."

"Don't worry," Luke assured her with a grin, "I noticed you. I just didn't think the bubbly cheerleader would want anything to do with me. I guess I was wrong."

"You sure where," Kara drawled. "Now, I should probably get inside. You get back to the hotel; we've got a busy couple of days ahead of us."

"Yeah."

"Hey Luke," Kara called as he started to walk away, "I love you."

"I love you too Kara," Luke answered coming back to place a kiss on her forehead, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"See ya," Luke replied before watching Kara head into her house. Luke smiled and headed down the street. When he got back to the hotel he was surprised to see Lorelai sitting in the lounge area, curled up on the couch, with her pink pen scrawling away quickly.

"Hey you," Luke called and Lorelai looked up guiltily. "I didn't think you'd still be up."

"Uh yeah," Lorelai stammered, "I couldn't sleep."

"Thanks for stepping in and being apart of the wedding," Luke said as he sat down next to her, "We really appreciate it."

"Don't worry about it," Lorelai shrugged, "happy to help out a friend, friends. I'm really happy for you Luke."

"Thanks Lorelai," Luke stammered, "So, how is your dating life? What's the guy's name? Tim? Thad?"

"It's Tom," Lorelai supplied, "and it's good. I'm not sure where it will lead, but, it's good."

"I'm glad," Luke said with a smile, "you deserve to be happy."

"I am," Lorelai whispered, "I really am. Well, I should go to bed. Night Luke."

"Night."

Luke sat back against the couch and watched as Lorelai wandered over the elevator. It wasn't until the elevator doors had closed and Luke sat up to head to his own hotel room did he notice the pink book that had slipped to the floor.

Picking up Lorelai's diary he turned it over in his hand, a desire to open it in his head and heart. Shaking his head he tucked her diary under his arm and headed for the stairs.

He wouldn't read it.

At least, he didn't plan on reading it.

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**A/N: So…another chapter is up. What do you think? I'd like the reviews. I know it's been awhile, but if you could be so kind to review anyways…that would be great! Can't wait to hear from ya'll!**


	22. December 15, 1989

**A/N: Wow, I'm overwhelmed by the responsive from the last chapter. I'm hoping that this ones gets just as many…it's a pretty important one. Let me know what you think!**

**Disclaimer: I don't have any rights to anything GG related. Which...is sorta sad.**

**------------------------------------**

Luke tucked the diary under his arm as he climbed the stairs. When he reached the third floor he paused for a moment taking the diary once again in his hands. The cover was a bright pink and shimmered with silver glittered. He chuckled to himself and knew that the book was completely Lorelai. He opened the cover and in swirly loopy writing was Lorelai's name and the warning inscription 'Do not read, you take your life in your own hands if you do.' This gained a full out laugh from Luke and he closed the cover again.

As much as he wanted to read it he knew he couldn't betray her trust like that. It wasn't right. When he finally stepped onto the fourth floor he yawned. It had been a long day and he was ready to slip into sleep. First though, he had to deliver Lorelai's diary to her. He didn't want the temptation lingering all night.

He knocked gently on the door to her and Rory's hotel room and waited patiently as he heard her scuffle to the door.

"What?" she asked bitterly as the door flew open, "oh Luke, what is it?"

"You left this in the lobby," he said, trying to avoid the chuckle he felt in his throat, "I figured you'd want it back."

"Thanks Luke," she gasped grabbing the book from his hand, "I didn't realize I left it. Thank you so much. I would have died if anyone had read this."

"Well, then I guess I shouldn't tell you…"

"You didn't?" Lorelai asked interrupting him, her eyes wide in shock, "Please, god please tell me you didn't."

"I didn't," Luke assured her, "I didn't. I was just messing with you."

Lorelai playfully smacked him on the chest, "don't scare me like that Lucas."

"Don't call me Lucas."

"I wouldn't have to call you Lucas if you didn't do that to me."

"I was just messing around."

"And how many times do I have to tell you not to do that?"

"You mess with me all the time."

"But that is different."

"How is that different?"

"Cause it's me," Lorelai said simply, "I can do what I want."

"And I do what I want."

"Obviously," Lorelai muttered under her breath and Luke cocked his head in question.

"What?"

"Nothing," Lorelai quickly covered herself, "it was nothing. Thanks again Luke for bringing my book back. I should get to bed."

"Lorelai?"

"Good night Luke," Lorelai said again and closed the door quickly.

It took Luke a second to move, not sure exactly what had just happened. Lorelai had been acting so strange lately and it worried him. He'd remember to say something to Liz about it tomorrow.

-----------------------------------------

Lorelai sank down on the lumpy queen sized bed and hugged Maddie to her chest. She didn't want to think about what could have happened if Luke had read it.

Opening the book she uncapped her pen and scrawled several messy words.

_That could have been bad. Very, very bad, Maddie. What if he would have read you? What if? I just…I'm just glad he didn't. I don't think I'd ever be able to face him again if he did. I mean…most of the last six months have been filled with words about him._

_What if he would have read them? _

_He'd know everything. How I feel and why I've been so edgy about this whole wedding thing. God, I can't even begin to wrap my head about what could have happened._

_I guess I should just be happy that it didn't. I don't take Luke as a liar, so I'm believing him when he says he didn't read it. I don't think he'd do that to me. That is good and completely a relief._

_Okay, enough of a freak out. I need some rest. All this worrying wears a girl out. Night Maddie, lets hope I can actually get some sleep. The next few days are going to be awful crazy and stressful. I should get all the rest in now that I can._

_------------------------------------------------_

_December 15, 1989_

_What a fancy smancy night we've had. It was the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner tonight. A usually calm and quiet event. Apparently not with Miss Kara Duran, soon-to-be Danes. It was a full out party, almost like a wedding itself. It was slightly overbearing to be honest._

_I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow, and I have to be in it. I still can't believe that I'm in this wedding. I don't want to be. God, I can't even begin to explain how much I don't want to be in this wedding. I don't want him to get married to her at all. _

_Shit, I didn't realize how that sounded until I re-read it. I sound like some jealous, self-righteous witch. I'm his friend right? I should want him to be happy and successful. If Kara is who makes him happy then I should accept that right?_

_Why is this so difficult? I don't seem to understand that. Okay, besides the fact that I'm in love with him. I've got to get over that, don't I?_

_Yeah, I do.__ So this is it. I'm going to stop fretting about this, I'm going to stop dwelling on it and I'm going to be happy for Luke and Kara. I'm going to stand up at their wedding and smile and support my best friend. That is what I should do, and it's what I'm going to do Maddie._

_I guess I'll let you know how it goes._

_----------------------------------------_

Sweat dripped down Luke's face as he continued to run. It was early, still dark, but he couldn't sleep and running always seemed to calm his mind. Today was his wedding. And he was running.

Not away, just running.

Luke was always running it seemed. When he was happy, when he was sad, when he was scared, and even when he was confident. He was always running.

He just wished he knew why he was running today.

There were so many thoughts and emotions rolling around in his head that he didn't know if he could sort them out.

Luke sighed and looked out over the dark horizon. It was eerie, looking over the water which was still dark. He could see lights on the horizon he was assuming was front a freight boat or something equally as large and he shuddered.

He didn't know why he'd ended up at the beach, but he had. Maybe it was because Kara was always talking about it, and how much she loved it. It was the only thing that he could make sense of.

His love for Kara.

He smiled as he remembered their first meeting. It was the end of their freshman year, and the stress had been getting to him. He bumped, literally, into her at the library, causing her books and notes to go flying. He'd never been more embarrassed.

That had been the beginning of their story and it was a moment Luke would never forget. He made it his point to find her again. He needed to.

The next semester, the beginning of their sophomore year, he was thrilled to find her in his speech class. Three weeks later he asked her out.

He remembered the moment he knew that he wanted to marry her. It was the summer between their junior and senior year and they were apart. He was at home and he couldn't stop thinking about her. He dreamed about their future and went out the next week and bought a ring.

And know he was standing on a beach in California, on the day of his wedding, waiting to be standing at the alter with his bride.

The sky was beginning to brighten as the sun peaked over the buildings and Luke couldn't help but continue to smile.

He was getting married.

He started to run again. This time back towards his hotel, his future, and his life.

-----------------------------------------------

The church was beginning to fill up and Luke could hear the strands of conversations through the closed door. He was re-adjusting his cuff links again, nervously, and watched as his best man, a friend from college Kevin, took a swig of something from a flask.

"You want to share?" Luke asked his attention divided between his tie and his best man.

"You don't need any of this," Kevin told him, "you are marrying the girl of your dreams. Why would you want any rum?"

"Damn it," Luke growled, "just give me some."

"What is wrong with you man?" another one of his groomsmen, Tim, his old roommate, asked.

"I don't know," Luke answered honestly, "I don't know."

"Well," Colton, his third groomsmen added, "let's get your mind off of it and talk about something else. Like that super hot friend you brought from home and is now a bridesmaid? What is the deal with her?"

"Who?"

"You know," Tim agreed, "the blue-eyed brunette that was sitting with your dad and sister at the rehearsal dinner the other night."

Luke's blood began to boil, "oh, you mean Lorelai?"

"Is that her name?" Kevin asked, "Sounds exotic."

"She's from Connecticut," Luke answered dryly.

"I've never heard you talk about her before," Tim added, "You holding out on us buddy?"

"No," Luke assured them, "I met her last Spring break when I went home."

"And she's in your wedding?"

"Yes Colton, she is," Luke turned his attention to his tie to distract himself from their conversation. He didn't understand why he was so up in arms about this.

"Man dude," Kevin slapped his back playfully, "you lucky dog."

"What?"

"You're lucky," Kevin reiterated, "you are lucky. You have a super hot fiancé, about to be wife, plus that fox for you're…what…mistress?"

"Shut up Kevin," Luke growled his hands clenched in fists, "Lorelai and I are just friends and I don't want to hear you talk about Lorelai like that again, got it?"

"Yeah, yeah," Kevin surrendered, "don't get your panties in a bunch. I'll drop it."

"Good," Luke growled and the room fell silent. Luke's mind rolled around what just happened and he let his thoughts calm.

"I'm sorry man," Colton broached the silence, "we didn't mean anything by it."

"I know."

"Are we okay?" Kevin asked.

"Yeah," Luke nodded, "Lorelai has just been through a lot. Her and her daughter don't need anymore complications in their lives."

"She has a daughter?" Kevin questioned.

"Yup, a little girl Jess's age."

"Do you like her Luke?" Tim asked sensing the gentleness his ex-roommate spoke with.

"She's my closest friend in Connecticut," Luke answered.

"You do," Colton agreed with a nod.

"Guys," Luke shook his head in annoyance, "she's just a friend."

"Okay man," Tim said, "It's almost time, are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," Luke said with a smile and stood up. The four men made their way to the doorway that lead to the back hallway to meet the priest, for Luke to get married. Luke couldn't calm the butterflies that swarmed his stomach.

-----------------------------------------------

_December 16, 1989_

_Wow. That is all I can say. I'm sitting here, in my hotel room, trying to figure out what in the hell just happened._

_I'm supposed to be at a wedding right now and I'm not. _

_Who in their right mind would leave Lucas Danes at the alter? I just don't get it. I don't get it at all. I mean, I thought…I thought she loved him. She made it seem like she did. Yet, here I am, sitting here trying to figure out what happened._

_I'm worried about Luke._

_I haven't seen him since…well, since he left the church. _

_God, what was Kara thinking? What in the hell was she thinking._

_She broke Luke's heart and now I want to break her skull._

_Wow. I'm a mess. Yesterday I would have been thrilled to see this happen. And, I can't lie, I'm not exactly sad that he didn't get marred today. How could I be?_

_But, the look on Luke's face when Kara turned and walked down the aisle away from him…I could feel Luke's heart breaking and that is just more than I could handle. I think my heart broke for him too._

_But that is what happens when you are in love with your best friend. I just want him to be happy. And now, I just wish I knew he was alright. It's scaring me that he hasn't been in touch. We are supposed to leave tomorrow, but Luke doesn't have a ticket._

_What are we going to do?_

_I just wish I knew he was okay._

_Please let him be okay._

_-----------------------------------_

**A/N: Really, do I have to ask? Reviews…**


	23. December 24, 1989

**A/N: Wow…the response from the last chapter was completely overwhelming. I shocked some people. I didn't realize that was going to happen. I mean, you couldn't really think that I'd let Luke out of the marriage himself so he could go straight to Lorelai, did you? Things aren't that easy.**** Well, I hope you like this new chapter…****well;**** you probably won't to be honest. But, I'll stop now and just let you read. Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I have no ownership to GG. Sad.**

**------------------------------------**

_December 24, 1989_

_Christmas Eve morning_

_It's Christmas Eve. Things around here though don't seem very festive. It's very gloomy around here. William, especially, is very un-Christmas-y. I guess that has to do with the disappearance of the son though Maddie. Yeah, you heard me __right;__ he's still not back in town yet._

_I'm worried about him._

_Besides a simple, 'yeah, I'm alive' call to William we really haven't heard from him. I'm not even sure where he is. I hate not knowing that he's okay. Or even knowing that he isn't okay would be better that not knowing anything at all. Don't you think?_

_I can't help it…it's been almost two weeks. I know that Kara hurt him, but…but...but I want him here, with us. It's Christmas for crying out loud and he wasn't around last year at this time. I want to ask William about it, but I don't know if I can. He's pretty upset. Granted, he hasn't heard much from his son in the last few weeks…but it seems more than that._

_There is something wrong with him. I just know it. I have this horrible feeling in my gut that something isn't right. Luke and I have noticed it before, in glimpses, but lately…lately I can tell that whatever it is…it's getting worse. He needs Luke here._

_I need Luke here._

_If anything happens to William, I'm not sure what I would do. He's become such a big part of my life, and Rory's life. She'd be crushed._

_We've got a busy day ahead of us though. The kids really don't know what is going on. Rory and Jess I mean. They just know it is Christmas and want it to be like normal. Liz, William, and I know have the job to make it seem like nothing is wrong._

_Good thing I'm a great faker. I have a feeling this Christmas isn't going to be a merry one at all._

_-------------------------------------------_

Luke groaned as the sunshine filtered through the drapes and he buried his head farther into the pillow to try and offset the hangover that was settling in. The room smelt of stale beer and pizza and that alone made Luke want to gag.

He was a mess.

He tried to remember what day it was, but his memory was fuzzy with the strands of alcohol still swimming in his system. Luke couldn't remember how many beers he'd been through now, he only knew that was the only thing he'd been drinking.

He took a deep breath in and started to gag again. The smell was almost more than he could take. When Luke lifted his head he noticed the glass of ice water and a bottle of aspirin sitting on the night stand and he sent up a silent prayer of thanks.

Taking three of the pills and washing them down with a quick swig of water, Luke leaned back against the headboard again and sighed. He knew it was about time for him to face home. It wasn't what he wanted, hell, it was the worst possible thing to him, but he knew he had wallowed enough.

It was time for him to suck it up and be a man.

He stumbled towards the bathroom, one just for the room he was staying in and said another set of thanks for the clean towels and jeans that were sitting on the counter. Stepping under the stream of water he rinsed himself of the grim and tried to remove the memories, though that didn't seem to work.

Every time he closed his eyes he saw her eyes, glistening with tears, and heard the whispers that echoed through the church that day. He could remember every detail and it haunted his dreams.

Unless, of course, he was passed out from drinking. That is why beer had been his consistent companion over the last couple of weeks.

Kara had left him. At the altar. On their wedding day. He didn't think he'd ever forget that.

When he finally shut the water off he had started to feel better. At least physically.

Coming out of the bathroom he had to smile some when he noticed the beer bottles from the night before were gone and a cup of hot tea sat next to a plate of chocolate chip pancakes and bacon on the nightstand now. He smiled to himself and sat down on the bed, and poked at the pancakes.

It was his hangover food. Had been for a long time. Chocolate chip pancakes.

He remembered the first time he'd gotten drunk and the memory made him laugh. He couldn't help it. He took another bite and let himself think of happier times.

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_December 24, 1989_

_Christmas Eve Night_

_The town was great today. It made the faking a lot easier to deal with. It was still an awkward day though. I think it may be awkward until he comes back._

_I'm scared Maddie. I'm scared he won't come back._

_I thought he would have come here. Home. But he didn't. He ran away to someplace else. Now I know why he didn't come back here though. _

_It was supposed to be their house right now._

_I didn't know. I had no idea. And I feel like an even bigger ass right now._

_I was relieved when they didn't get married. When she walked away. And yes, I know how horrible that is. Trust me, I know. But, I couldn't help it, still can't. I'm glad he didn't marry her. That, I'm sure Maddie, sounds horrible, but, can I help it if that is how I feel._

_I want him to come back._

_I need him to come back._

_Wow, I sound pathetic. Maybe, maybe it's because of the season. I want a family to spend Christmas with. I want Rory to have a dad she can actually count on. I want to wake up in the morning to her jumping on our bed begging us to open presents before dawn. I want it all._

_Will I ever get that?_

_God I hope so._

_----------------------------------------------_

Another day was starting, Luke could feel the rays of sunshine before he even opened his eyes. It was weird. Here he was, in the middle of December, and it was uncommonly warm out. He didn't understand that, until his brain caught up.

He wasn't at home.

That made more sense. He was sure it was probably snowing today at home. He wondered what his family was up to. When he opened his eyes he couldn't help but squint. The room was decorated in red and green and Luke didn't believe it.

It was Christmas.

He couldn't believe he forgot. Then, he wished he could again. Today was the day he was going to show Kara the house he'd been working on for them on the outskirts of Stars Hollow. The house they were supposed to start their family in.

And now, that dream was gone.

If he was close enough, he'd probably burn the house to the ground. That is what he wanted to do anyways. He'd never live there now.

He couldn't.

He glanced at the clock and it brightly shone nine thirty am. Luke swung his feet over the side of the bed, downed an aspirin and some water before making his way to the shower. It was a routine now. Something they'd both gotten used to, and Luke was thankful for the ability to not think.

Sometimes it was nice to have someone think for you. Especially when they don't know the memories that run on a consistent reel in your head.

Luke let the water run over his face and shook his head.

He knew he should call his family. Let them know again that he is still alive and safe and just working through some things. It wouldn't be a bad idea. He closed his eyes and let himself think about what the family Christmas morning was looking like.

Lorelai and Rory, he could almost guarantee, had spent the night last night, Rory and Jess trying hard to stay up to wait for Santa. This morning his dad would have made a big breakfast, something he normally helped with, before allowing the presents to be opened.

His heart pained to be there, almost enough for him to rush home now, but then his imagination continued. Kara was sitting with him on the love seat, glowing, and happily talking to Lorelai and Liz. Her diamond wedding ring sparkling brightly from her finger.

He stepped out of the shower and smelled the pastry that would be sitting on the table with the herbal tea he drinks. He smiled.

This morning there was just one thing different though. A note accompanied his breakfast.

It was simple.

**Merry Christmas. You're welcome to come to dinner with us if you like. If not, I'll drop dinner by later. I'm here to talk if you want, I hope you know that. If not, whatever. Though, you should know, you're going to have to talk about it sometime. Love ya. Your genie.**

He wouldn't go. He knew he couldn't. How could he impose even more than he already had? He knew he couldn't. To impose on their Christmas dinner would just be too much. He couldn't do that.

Even if he didn't want to be alone.

He fingered the note with a sad smile. Nobody wants to be alone on Christmas and yet here he is. Alone.

Luke polished off the rest of his breakfast before slipping on his shoes and out the door. Maybe some fresh air would help him.

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_December 25, 1989_

_Christmas Day_

_Thank god for William. He made today great. Rory and Jess were fawned over of course and everyone loved their gifts. I just wish Luke could have been here to get his presents too._

_I'__m so tired__ though. I can't keep my eyes open anymore so I'm going to have to get some sleep. Christmas day is always a tiring event. And being emotionally drained doesn't help. Rory was really great today._

_Though, she really always is. I have an angel. __That isn't a big surprise though. I mean, she's always been the little angel in my life. She's a very smart little girl, that is for sure._

_Well, I'm going to sleep. Dreamland is calling._

_I just have to keep hoping that Luke is okay. I'm sure he is. Or at least, he will be. I'm sure of it. I still…I wish I knew where he was._

_-----------------------------------_

**Disclaimer: I'm afraid to even put something here to be honest. But…review? Please? I'd love to see though, if anyone can guess where and with whom Luke is...I'll give MAJOR props if anyone does, that is for sure. :)**


	24. January 15, 1990

**A/N: I'm just overwhelmed with the life this story has taken and the response I've gotten from everyone! Thank you so much for all the reviews and for reading. And I'm also going to say thank you for pushing the story over the 200 review mark! A milestone! I can't wait to get to the 300 mark.**

**Anyways…here is another chapter. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own GG or anything related. **

**---------------------------**

_January 15__, 1990_

_We're fifteen days into the new decade and can I just say, it's a bit strange. I mean, it's a new year, a new time of life and here I am, still…well, actually, I'm happy with my life actually. I mean, for the most part how could I not be?__ My beautiful little girl is thriving, absolutely thriving! She's doing fantastic in school, all of her teachers love her, and she's acing all of her classes. _

_You know what is even funnier…_

_She asked me if she could join Miss Patty's dance class this new semester. I was totally thrown off. She's my kid __Maddie;__ I figured she'd get her lack of athletic ability or motivation from me. I hated be forced to do gymnastics when I was younger. I hated anything I was forced to do though. _

_Maybe if I had wanted to do sport-like activities instead of being forced to do them in that pr__eppy, over the top school I attended for my childhood, I would have liked it. _

_Yeah right._

_I highly doubt that, but I'm not going to keep my kid from doing something she wants. If she wants to dance then I'll let her dance. It's only fair really. Just, she's going to get the things she wants, or at least as much as I can._

_And so, I'm going to talk to Miss Patty tomorrow and __see__ what we can work out for her dance lessons. I highly doubt that I'll have any problems working something out with her. She's been begging me to have Rory join dance since she was a baby. Now that she's old enough and wants to dance, I'm not going to stop her._

_What kind of mother would I be if I did? _

_I'd be like my mother. And Maddie that freaks me out more than anything. I don't want to become my mother. I hated my mother growing __up;__ I didn't want to be around her because I didn't like what she wanted me to be. I was never good enough for her or her life and I won't put Rory through that. I promised myself I would never put my child through that._

_Rory was trying to talk Jess into taking lessons with her. I would crack up to see Jess, little macho man, in tights doing ballet. I don't think he'll actually do it. There really is no way he'd actually agree to it. But still, it would be funny._

_I think the dance class will be good for her though. She needs to meet more friends and broaden her horizons, socially. She hangs around with William, Liz, Jess, and me so much I'm not sure she even really knows how to talk to more people._

_I suppose that she talks to this girl at a school named Lane, but their friendship hasn't taken a strong hold yet. I hope it does though, Lane is a good kid and I think it would be good for her to have a really close girl friend. I'll have to try and meet Lane's mom in the next week or so that I can try to arrange something. I know she works at the antiques store. Kim's Antiques, I think is what it is called. I'll check with William tomorrow, or Mia, maybe they'll know._

_Other than that things have been fairly low-key around here lately._

_Quiet._

_And lonely._

_I can't believe it. I mean, it's been a month now. A full month and not more than a few scattered phone calls to William letting him know that his son is still alive and kicking. I'm not even sure that Luke is the one making the calls. _

_I'm trying not to dwell on it though. I spent the weeks after the whole debacle happened wondering about him. Where he was, how he was doing, and all of that. I can'__t do it anymore. I still care about him and I can't help but think about him, but I can't keep wrapping my heart around him. My heart is already entangled enough with him._

_At this point I'm not even sure if he's coming back._

_I have to move on, don't I?_

_-----------------------------------_

Luke let him collapse onto the bed, his muscles tired from a full day's worth of work. He was glad that he had paid attention in shop class in high school and had done so much work on his own cars over the years. It made finding a job that much easier.

He was still hiding from his life. It was easier this way. It wasn't as painful.

He could continue to hid out and be this person that no one really knew. People didn't ask questions and for that he was grateful.

He had finally pulled his head out of his ass and actually left the room he'd holed up into and decided to finally get a life again. He went out, he worked, and he talked, briefly. He was trying to get himself back to a semi-normal.

He figured that would be the best way to start putting his life, and heart, back together again. Though, he wasn't sure how well it was working so far. He knew that the sunshine and warm weather was a good happy place to be. Who doesn't like sunshine?

Luke sat up and stretched his arms over his head.

They were expecting him for dinner. It was part of their new and revised routine. At least twice a week they'd have dinner, it was their way of making sure he didn't turn into a complete hermit.

She'd hate it if he was late, but she had always been like that. Luke shook his head and got up to take a shower so he could avoid being late.

--------------------------------------

_January 19, 1990_

_I'm really trying not to worry about William, but it is getting harder and harder not to. I've been staying here a lot lately, helping out around the house and store. It is so funny to me that even with having our own house we still send most of our time at the Danes'. I'm not complaining though. _

_Not at all!_

_Right now I'm working two jobs. I'm still at the Inn working, head maid, but that gives me a lot of down time too. Working in management is such a great feeling. I'm so happy that Mia has given me this chance. She really believes in me and that is amazing._

_The second job isn't really like a real job. I mean, I'm working in the hardware store with William and Liz. I'm really just helping out since Luke hasn't been around lately. It isn't anything major. William though, is insistent on paying me, even though I told him I didn't want him to. It doesn't matter __though;__ William will do what he wants. It's hard to convince him otherwise._

_That is part of the reason I'm so scared for him. He seems…off his mark. He's always dragging some and seems tired all the time. I'm worried about him. Like I said, I'm really trying not to, but…William doesn't ever really worry about himself, so someone has to._

_I just wish I knew what was up with him.__ I've got to try and find out, but I don't want to pry too much either. He can get defensive. God, I wish Luke was here to talk this over with. He knows his dad more than anyone else; he would be able to help. _

_I'm worried about him too. _

_These Danes' men have really captured my heart. What would I do without them? I really hope I never have to find out._

_----------------------------------------_

William placed the phone back on its cradle and sighed. It had been the weekly phone call. One that he expected now and one he couldn't help but be glad to get now. He was glad that Luke was starting to finally mend and only hoped that it meant he'd be returning back to Stars Hollow soon. He missed his son and he knew that he wasn't the only one.

At least he knew that Luke was without that cared about him and that William himself trusted. He wondered how his son got from Long Beach in California to Florida, but that was something to find out another day. He really wasn't worried about that.

He was there, he was safe, and he was starting to get his life back together.

That was all that really mattered.

------------------------------------------

Luke smiled when the smell of eggs entered his nose. He was getting spoiled and he knew it. She knew it too, but it didn't bother any of them so he let it be. It felt good to have someone be there to care about him. He was happy that she was so happy now.

They had come a long way since the last time he'd seen her. It felt like a million years ago now.

Luke glared at the clock and knew that he would be expected at the garage soon. Luke couldn't believe how lucky he'd been over the past few weeks. He had no idea what to expect when he boarded the plane in LA headed anywhere but there.

Actually, now that he thought about it, the few hours between when he was left at the altar and actually getting on the plane was still a blur. He had been in a daze and only recently began to actually get out of it.

At first it hadn't been a choice he had. Having your heart break would do that to a guy and has time went on he found that staying in that daze was easier than facing reality.

That was what fueled his intense drinking.

For two straight weeks he was in a continuous drunken state and he couldn't believe the hospitality he'd been greeted with by his old friend and her family. He had been grateful for them every single day, but it wasn't until just after Christmas did he decide to finally get himself put back together.

She helped him realize that was what he really needed to do.

And he wanted to. He did. It was just hard. Luke wasn't one normally for backing down when things got hard, but it was hard for him to care. It was hard for him to make sense of his life and because of that it made it easy to let it slide. It made it easy to not deal with the past.

Even if the past was only a month ago.

--------------------------------------

_January 20, 1990_

_I really need to find out where Luke is and get him back here. He needs to be here, with his family, with William. _

_I know I said I wanted to know what was up with him Maddie, I know that, but…I almost wish I had never answered the phone at the store today. I mean, I'm even more…I can't even think of the right word. Nothing seems to be real right now. I'm in a daze._

_I had to act like everything was normal tonight with Rory. I hate lying to her but…William asked me not to say anything yet. I don't know how he expects me to do that though. _

_How can I not say anything?_

_Luke and Liz deserve to know what is happening. He is their father. _

_I would want to know if it were my dad. Even with our messed up relationship. I would still want to know._

_It is only fair to them. I mean really._

_William…I can't even write the words. I don't want to believe them. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it._

_He's sick Maddie. Really, really, sick.__ And I'm not sure if he'll be able to get better._

_It's…cancer._

_Cancer Maddie._

_And no one knows. Except me and his team of doctors._

_Apparently he's had it for awhile now. He's been going through treatments. But, they've stopped working. It's the reason he's been tired and dragging lately. I should have noticed before. I should have pushed harder for more information about this before. I should have done a lot of things._

_And now…and now…now it's too late._

_Luke needs to be here. He'll never forgive himself if he missed out on the rest of William's life. I know him too well._

_I guess I can try and figure out where he might be._

_Miss Patty, I'll ask her, she knows everything. Or at least she seems too._

_I heard once that she can sometimes overhear phone conversations because of where her house is in proximity to the phone lines. Maybe she's listened in on one of the 'update' phone calls that William has been getting each week._

_It never hurts to ask at least._

_------------------------------_

**A/N: Here you go. Please review.**


	25. January 20, 1990

**A/N: Hey ya'll! Okay, so this one is a little shorter, but I promise that just means I'll have another update soon. For those of you reading my other story, "A Family's Beginnings," please know that I am working on it. I promise.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own!**

**-------------------------------**

_January 20, 1990_

_This is pretty much the craziest thing I've ever done. I can't believe it in some aspects, but in others, I would have been mad at myself if I hadn't. You know Maddie, William wasn't exactly thrilled at this concept, but I wasn't going to back down. I couldn't. I know he isn't looking forward to dealing with his illness, but he has to. You know? He can't just pretend it isn't there._

_He's been doing that and it hasn't been good. I just, I don't understand why he wouldn't want his children to know. Well, I guess I know why he wouldn't. After they lost their mom, I know it is going to be hard for him to have to deal with them watching him die too. But they still deserve to spend as much time with him as possible._

_It is only fair to them. Now, I didn't go back on my promise. I haven't said a word to Liz about it yet, even though I desperately want to. But Luke, Luke needs to be here. And as much as William might try and deny it I know he wants Luke here. _

_That is why I'm currently sitting on a plane Maddie._

_Yup.__ This might be the craziest thing I've done since, well, who knows, but I'm doing it. _

_Thank god for Miss Patty and her infinite knowledge of the town's going-__ons__. It is also good that she likes me. I don't think she'd give up this information to just anyone. The whole town is very protective of the Danes' and that includes Luke. Maybe it is because I'm so close to the family? _

_I wouldn't be surprised if she's already guessed how I feel about him either, and frankly, that thought scares the crap out of me. But, I'm not going to worry about it right now._

_Right now I'm just going to focus on the fact that I'm flying over the east coast right now, hopefully getting closer and closer to Orlando, FL, so that I can get off of this plane, beat some sense into Luke's head, and be on our way back home within the next couple of days._

_Wish me luck Maddie, I have a feeling I'm going to need it._

----------------------------------

Luke sighed as he collapsed into the passenger seat in the car he'd come to know well and sighed.

"Long day?" the voice asked him as another body joined him in the car and Luke nodded. "Sorry."

"Don't be," he answered, "it isn't your fault."

"I know," she answered. "So, how are you doing?"

"Don't go there," Luke interrupted.

"Luke…"

"No Rachel," Luke stopped her again, "I don't want to talk about it."

"You have to talk about it eventually Luke," Rachel told him, "It's been over a month. You haven't spoken to your family; you know your dad is worried about you."

"Why is he?" Luke asked the bitterness in his voice growing, "I know you are talking to him."

"Someone had to Luke," Rachel argued, "You disappeared, without word, heartbroken, and your father was worried. When you showed up here, I had to call him Luke. He deserved that."

Luke couldn't say anything, he knew it was true.

"I know you've had a hard month or so," Rachel continued. "But you really need to think about calling your dad."

"I'll think about it," Luke offered and Rachel shrugged. She had tried, again, and failed, again. That was getting frustrating.

Luke leaned back and shut his eyes tight. He didn't want to deal with it. Not right now.

"You have to deal with it," Rachel said quietly and Luke hadn't realized that he had said anything out loud. "You have to deal with it, you've put it off for too long."

Luke shook his head and waited a second before speaking, "So, when willBryan be back from that meeting of his tonight?"

"Nice segue," Rachel commented with a brief laugh, "but I'm not sure. He told me that we should go ahead and eat without him though."

"That isn't a very nice wifely thing to do," Luke chastised and Rachel shrugged.

"Well, I'm not waiting until eight or nine if it takes that long," Rachel informed him, "besides; I highly doubt that he'll mind me feeding his child."

"Oh," Luke laughed, "it is his child today?"

"I was sick all morning," Rachel continued, "that deems it his child."

Luke chuckled slightly and Rachel's banter reminded him of when Liz was pregnant with Jess. She had always had the strangest cravings.

"Are you up for dinner now?"

Luke turned and nodded, "sure."

"Great," Rachel beamed, "let's go."

-------------------------------------

_I probably should have called before huh Maddie? __Instead of just showing up on his ex-girlfriend's doorstep, completely unannounced and most likely unwelcome.__ Why did he go to her? I guess that is what I just don't understand. He went to Rachel, the infamous ex-girlfriend that broke his heart when she skipped town and headed to college without him. And now he went to her for comfort._

_I'm sorry __Maddie,__ it just doesn't make sense to me. I wish I could make sense of it._

_I'm sort of interested in meeting her. I've heard a lot about her. _

_Some good things, some bad things.__ It all depends on who you are talking to really. I mean, Liz hates her, but that is a given I suppose. Most people in town don't like what she did to Luke, but overall they all liked her. _

_I guess she grew up in Stars Hollow, her parents moved away after she left for college. She hasn't been back since so I've been told. And Luke took that very hard._

_My heart breaks for him when I think about that…or Kara. I know…I just want him to know that I'm always going to be there for him._

_I hope he realizes that._

_I guess I'll just have to make sure he does, won't I Maddie? I hope he believes me. That would be helpful._

_But, I'll understand if he doesn't at the same time. It is going to take time for his heart to heal. I know that. It has only been a month and a half; there is no way he's completely healed yet. But he'll get there, I believe that. __Whole-heartedly._

_I think he'll get there faster if he comes home._

_Though, finding out your dad isn't healthy and is mostly likely not going to last the year isn't going to be the thing that helps._

_God, maybe I'm making a mistake._

_It is too soon after the whole wedding debacle for me to have to come and give him this news. God, what was I thinking?_

_There are times in my life Maddie where I wish you weren't a book and you could answer me. Cause, though I know in my heart that he needs to know about William, my head is telling me to stop. __To not see him or tell him.__ But I can't do that to him, can I?_

_No._

_It's going to hurt. It isn't going to be easy. But he needs to know._

_I owe him that much._

_We are getting ready to land. __Which means I'll be on the ground in just a matter of time and I'll be on my way to face him._

_I'll have to call Mia, who has Rory while I'm here, to make sure they know that I'm here and safe. __Gotta__ love Mia.__ I wouldn't be here if she hadn't of helped. _

_She's great._

_--------------------------------------_

Luke sat next to Rachel on her couch, beer in hand, as the basketball game played unwatched. Her words were rolling around in his head and he couldn't stop them. He knew she was right. She tended to be right most of the time, and yet, he was still here, sitting on her couch, not moving.

"I was almost relieved when she told me she couldn't marry me." The words were escaping past his lips before he had a chance to stop them and he knew that this was it. He was finally ready to talk.

"Luke?"

"I was heartbroken," Luke went on, "but still, it was like this weight had lifted off of my shoulders. Isn't that a horrible thing to say?"

"No," Rachel shook her head and Luke laughed bitterly.

"Yes it is," Luke went on, "I keep telling myself it was her fault. She's the one who called it off, pulled away, didn't want to marry me, but I haven't been able to get the thought out that is wasn't all her fault."

Luke took a shaky breath in to calm his nerves, "I pulled away too. We wanted different things; we were changing, becoming different people. Getting married would have been a mistake."

Rachel didn't say anything and Luke continued after a moment, "I hate saying that. Marriage would have been a mistake, because, I loved her. I love her. I probably always will, but I'm not in love with her anymore."

"So," Rachel stated, "you must be in love with someone."

"Why do you say that?" Luke asked quickly and Rachel knew she had hit the mark.

"Luke," she started, "I know you better than almost anyone. We grew up together, you were my first love, I know how to read you, and I can tell that you are in love with someone. I just had the girl off. I thought you were still pining over Kara, but…"

"And it isn't that I'm not," Luke started again, "I had to go through a pining phase I think. When I first got here, I was. I don't think I had figured out our lack of a good match until more recently."

"I know," Rachel went on, "but, you still didn't answer my question."

"I'm not in love with anyone," Luke lied and Rachel gave him a pointed look. "Or, at least, I'm not sure if I am. I mean…"

"So there is a girl," Rachel asked and Luke gave a quick shrug. "What is her name?"

Luke shook his head, took another gulp of beer, and tried desperately to avoid Rachel's gaze. He finally caved.

"Lorelai," Luke whispered, "her name is Lorelai."

"She's the one your dad was talking to last time I called," Rachel acknowledged and Luke shrugged. He didn't want to think about her. Well, he did but he didn't. It was too much to think about.

"So, what's her story?" Rachel asked and just then the door flung open cutting her short.

"Hi honey," Bryan exclaimed, "I'm home."

"Hey Bryan," Rachel called back, "we're in the living room."

"Great. Hey, so I stumbled upon a friend of yours Luke," Bryan continued and Luke's interested peaked. "Was wandering around down by the mailboxes trying to find the house. "

"Who?" Rachel asked, Luke's voice lost.

They looked at each other as they waited for Bryan and the mystery guest to appear in the door. They were listening to the scuffling of feet and Bryan mumbling for them to follow him and Luke's breath left him when the body appeared.

"Hey Luke."

"Lorelai?"

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**A/N: Dum, Dum, Dum….he-he! This one is a little shorter, but I didn't want to go much further with this chapter. So, are you going to review?**


	26. January 21, 1990

**A/N: I'm back!!! He-he!! Thank you all for the reviews! I adore getting them. So…I guess that means that I really want you to review! I'm not below begging…just so you know. And building up my ego is never turned away:) Just letting you know. Hope you like this chapter…enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own…**

**---------------------------**

_January 21, 1990_

_What in the hell am I doing here Maddie? That seems like a fairly easy question to answer and yet I'm completely and totally at a loss. I just…I don't…AH! I can't believe I'm here, in Orlando Florida, at Luke's ex-girlfriends' house, who is now married and pregnant and letting Luke live with them, and I'm here. I can't wrap my mind around it. I know that buying a ticket, getting on a plane, flying for half a day, and then hailing a cab, was going to get me here, but I'm still in shock that I actually did it. And now it's just past mid-night and I'm stuck._

_Can you blame me though? Can you Maddie? I'm not one usually for going outside of my bubble too much. I do when I have to, when I'm forced, but…I guess this was one of those times really. I mean, with William so sick and everything, I didn't have a choice if William wasn't going to tell Luke himself. Someone has to tell him…I just get the hard time of actually doing it._

_I'm not sure how that conversation is going to go. It makes me nervous to think about really._

_God, why am I doing this again?_

_Right…because I'm in love with him. And the thought of him not being able to spend time with his father before…well, it breaks my heart. I just hopes that he understands my reasoning and concern when I tell him._

_And yes, that means I haven't given any inclination to why I showed up here tonight. He's probably pacing his room in complete confusion. I just couldn't tell him right away…_

_I mean, should I have told him already? Probably. But I couldn't get the words out. They just wouldn't form. No matter how hard I tried._

_Rachel has been great though. She's either changed a lot since she left Stars Hollow or everyone painted her in a much more evil way than she actually was…or is. She's been great. She insisted that I stay here while I'm in town instead of some seedy hotel downtown. I'm thankful for that, I really am._

_It was really weird when I came in tonight though. Something, something was just weird._

_They had obviously talked about me at some point because Rachel was all like…_

'_You're Lorelai? THE Lorelai?' and Luke's cheeks turned bright pink. That was kinda cute. But, I'm not sure what they had been talking about so that makes me nervous. Luke was pretty quiet all night, letting Rachel and I talk as much as we wanted. Bryan, Rachel's husband, joined in our conversation for awhile, but…it was nice getting to know her. I understand a bit more now why Luke loved her so much. She's _

_endearing. And I have a feeling that if she still lived in Stars Hollow, whether she was with Luke or not, we'd be great friends._

_She just has this air about her. Okay Maddie, I know this is turning into some weird thing, so I'm going to stop now and just move on. But seriously, I have a feeling we'll be good friends before this weekend is over._

_Hopefully that is._

_But, I mean, I still came here for a purpose and that is what I have to focus on. No matter how much this is going to suck. I just need to suck it up. My return ticket is tucked safely in the front pocket of my suitcase, along with Luke's. I sure hope he ends up using it._

_I'd be heartbroken if he didn't._

_But, I don't think I can imagine him not coming home with me. It's William after all. They are close and Luke would regret not being there for him. That I'm sure of._

_But, I have to admit though he's also hurting. And that might cloud his judgment. I hope it doesn't, but it might. _

_Sometimes I wish I could just kick Kara in the face. That sounds horribly mean, doesn't it? Well Maddie, I'm not lying when I say it though. I really wish I could._

_She'd better never show her face around me again. Things could go down in a not so lady-like manner. I'm pretty sure too that I'd have the back up from a lot of other people. Stars Hollow in general would back me up._

_I've cracked a smile for the first time in about twenty four hours just now. Thinking about beating the crap out of Kara…I'm horrible._

_All this talk about smack downs is making me thirsty. I think I'm going to go sneak into the kitchen and get something to drink. Let's see how quiet I can be, I don't want to wake anyone up._

Lorelai was quietly padding around the kitchen, trying to find something to drink when the kitchen light clicked on, and her eyes squinted to adjust to the bright lights.

"Oh sorry," Lorelai said as she grinned, her hand caught in mid-grab from the fridge, "I didn't know anyone else was up."

"It's no problem at all," Rachel assured her, "baby here was just getting hungry and Bryan is such a hard sleeper that it is just easier for me to get up and get something myself."

Lorelai chuckled and Rachel joined her at the counter, "having trouble sleeping?"

"I'm a night owl," Lorelai told her with a shrug, "I'm usually up much later than anyone else. I'm used to it by now."

"Oh okay," Rachel said as she dug through the freezer, "ah! Pizza bites, perfect. You want some?"

"No that is okay," Lorelai declined, "I'm just thirsty."

"Well help yourself to anything you want, I'm going to dig in here."

Lorelai couldn't help but giggle and Rachel glanced at the woman from the corner of her eye. She could understand why Luke was infuriated with her. She was beautiful, her dark hair was long and thick and her blue eyes were just breathtaking. Rachel sighed, working on a plan to broach the subject of Luke to her new friend.

"Thank you so much," Lorelai was saying before Rachel could talk again. "For letting me crash here…and for taking care of Luke this past month. I was worried about him."

Rachel said a silent prayer of thanks for Lorelai bringing up the subject on her own before addressing it. "It really wasn't a problem at all. Luke and I have been friends since childhood…"

"It is good that you guys still can be close," Lorelai finished. "I really am."

"You two seem to have gotten pretty close too," Rachel carefully broached. "He talked about you a lot, when I finally was able to get him to talk."

"Really?" Lorelai asked, her eyes focused on the cup in her hands and Rachel knew then that Lorelai shared the same feelings that Luke did. "We really haven't known each other too long…"

"It's been about a year now," Rachel went on, "hasn't it?"

"Yeah," Lorelai affirmed with a quick nod. "He's been a great friend."

"He's always been good at that," Rachel answered with a knowing smile. "Makes it hard to not fall in love with him, huh?"

"Yeah," Lorelai answered without thinking and Rachel didn't try to hide her smirk, "wait, what? I mean…"

"Don't worry about it," Rachel assured her, "your secret is safe with me."

"You could tell? I was that obvious?"

"Don't worry," Rachel insisted, "Luke doesn't have a clue. He's a man; they tend to not be that in-tune to female's feelings unless we bash them over the head with them. Though, you should do that."

"No," Lorelai shook her head, "this whole Kara thing is too fresh for him. I don't want to turn into a rebound girl. I want him to fall for me if that is what he wants…not because I want him too."

"You are very smart," Rachel commented, "he'd be lucky to have you in his life."

"He'll always have me," Lorelai stated simply, "whether it is just friends or more."

Rachel watched as Lorelai just shrugged and headed back up the stairs. She was in awe of this girl, and that was putting it lightly. She'd beat Luke if he ever did anything to hurt her that much she knew. Finishing off the plate of pizza bites she had made she quickly washed her dish and headed back upstairs herself. She was going to do anything she could to convince Luke to go for it with Lorelai and she knew that was going to take some work.

----------------------------------

Luke couldn't sleep all night and at about five he was lying, wide awake, and anxious to move. He finally decided to just go for a run, the only thing that used to be able to calm him down. He slipped on his sneakers, stretched briefly, and then headed out. It felt good to be out on the pavement, running and not allowing himself to think about anything other than the cool air on his face or his breathing. He lost himself in the sport.

He couldn't get Lorelai out of his mind. He couldn't understand how she had found him and what had possessed her to fly down to see him. It just didn't make sense. He couldn't shake the feeling that when they finally got around to talking about it that it would be something hard, and that scared him.

He rounded the corner to the subdivision and came across the playground. It was quiet, deserted, and Luke couldn't help but stroll onto the damp mulch. It had been ages since he'd gone to a park without Jess or Rory at his side and it felt oddly calm to be there at daybreak.

He knew he had to have been out for at least an hour now as the sun was peaking over the horizon. He stretched his legs again before turning around to head back. He needed to find out what Lorelai was doing there and possibly sort out his own feelings.

When he reached Rachel and Bryan's house he smiled when he saw movement in the kitchen. Rachel had always been an early riser; it was something that he'd always wondered about.

"Morning," Rachel greeted without turning around, "how was your run."

"Good," Luke answered with a shrug. "Omelets?"

"Of course," Rachel chuckled, "its Saturday. Bryan and I have plans today with some friends from his work. Will you and Lorelai be okay on your own?"

"Um," Luke hesitated, his hand sub-consciously rubbing the back of his neck. "Well…"

"You'll be fine," Rachel told him, "I'll leave my car so you can show her around. "Find out why she's here…"

"Rach…"

Rachel turned her attention to the stove so Luke couldn't see the smirk on her face. He knew what she was doing and he shook his head in aggravation.

"Rachel?"

"What Luke?"

"I'm not ready for anything."

"I didn't say that had to happen."

"But…"

"Ya'll need to talk, Luke," Rachel went on, "this will give you a chance too. It's just for a few hours this afternoon. You need to talk to her."

"I hate when you're right you know," Luke complained, "it happens way too frequently."

"A woman is always right Luke," Rachel laughed, "and the faster you learn that the better."

"Whatever," Luke groaned and had to laugh himself, "so, do you like her?"

"I do," Rachel assured him. "She is quite the girl. We had a little girl's chat last night too over a midnight snack."

"That is scary," Luke sighed. "What did you talk about?"

"Girl stuff."

"And you aren't going to tell me, are you?"

"Nope," Rachel shook her head, "you don't need to know."

"Fine," Luke shrugged, "I'm going to go get a shower. Have breakfast done before I get back."

"Bossy," Rachel complained, "it'll be done when it's ready. Now shoo!"

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_January 21, 1990_

_I didn't sleep well Maddie. I hate that. But, I guess it was because I kept thinking about Luke and telling him about William and my nerves were on edge. I keep playing it over and over in my head…_

_And it gets worse and worse by each passing moment._

_God, what am I going to do? _

_I have to tell him. That is why I came. There isn't any other excuse I can give to that. So I have to tell him. He deserves to know though. I mean, I know that he needs to know. I just…_

_Nobody wants to have to give bad news. Nobody. And that includes me. Especially since it is Luke I have to deliver it to. I'm just going to do it. Next time I see him I'm going to tell him. I just have to do it. It is the only way I'll get the courage to do it._

_I'm such a pansy._

_And right now…well, I'm sorta okay with that._

_---------------------------------_

Lorelai sat next to Luke in Rachel's car, the silence starting to get to her, and she anxiously glanced out of the window. They'd been driving for less than ten minutes and already she was ready to claw her way out of the car.

"I'm sorry."

The simple statement caught her by surprise and she turned her head quickly to look at Luke. He was staring out of the front window, his eyes focused on the road ahead.

"I'm sorry," he repeated the words and Lorelai shook her head. "No. Let me finish. I shouldn't have disappeared like that. I wish I wouldn't have…I just needed…"

"Luke."

"I needed to get away. Rachel was the first person I thought of and so I ended up here. But I should have called at least. I should have tried…"

"Luke…"

"But I didn't…"

"Luke, I'm here because of your dad."

The car fell silent again after Lorelai's outburst and Luke turned his head to look at her.

"What?"

"You have to come home Luke," Lorelai continued a tear slipping from her eye. "Your dad is sick. And it's bad."

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**A/N: Thanks in advance for all the reviews! I want to see how many we can get…just cause it is fun and I love getting a ton! PLEASE! Thanks!**


	27. January 22, 1990

**A/N: I am SO sorry! I had no intention of not updating this for so long…but stuff just happened and well, here we are. I am quite sorry and I hope this helps some. I really will try to get another chapter up with in the week…that is the plan. Though, I can't promise it, cause who knows. Anyways, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own.**

**A/N2: For those of you who are reading 'A Family's Beginnings' I'm here to apologize for the serious lack of updates. I'm just stuck. I know where I want the story to end up at…but I'm having a problem actually getting it there. I'm struggling big time. I will finish it though. That I can guarantee. Just have patience with me. Thanks. Also, if anyone out there is a One Tree Hill fan, I've added a couple stories that I've written for there to my profile here. Just to mix it up some. Enjoy your day!**

**--**

_January 22, 1990_

Luke lay in his room at Rachel's house wide awake. It was nearing six am and he hadn't slept more than thirty minutes all night. Lorelai's words kept rolling around in his head. Over and over again until he couldn't take it anymore. He finally threw his legs over the side of the bed and rested his arms on his knees, head in his hands.

The conversation he had with her, the words that she had calmly but emotionally spoke wouldn't leave the forefront of his mind.

"_You have to come home Luke," Lorelai continued a tear slipping from her eye. "Your dad is sick. And it's bad."_

"_What do you mean he's sick?" Luke asked, his voice shaking._

"_I…" Lorelai paused and wiped away a tear from her cheek. "I wasn't supposed to find out. I was working in the store, just helping out, and the doctor's office to either confirm an appointment or call with some tests results, I'm not even sure now. I can't remember. But I cornered your dad about it. Made him tell me everything."_

"_And what did that everything include? Lorelai?"_

_Her eyes were focused on her lap, on her fingers that were clenched together in what Luke could only imagine as nervousness or distress._

_He spoke again, quieter this time, "Lorelai? Please you have to tell me…"_

"_It's cancer."_

_Those two words stopped Luke in his tracks. _

"_What?"_

"_They found a tumor is his colon," Lorelai said quickly, "Apparently he's known about it for awhile and hasn't said anything. That is the reason he's been so tired and sluggish the last year or so. He's been on some experimental treatment."_

"_Experimental treatment?"_

"_Yeah," Lorelai nodded, her eyes still not meeting his. "The treatments have stopped working though and the cancer is spreading. They can't stop it."_

"_How long?"_

_The words surprised Lorelai and for the first time in nearly ten minutes she finally looked at Luke. He repeated the question._

"_Lorelai, how long?"_

"_Luke…"_

"_Lorelai."_

"_Honestly," she said with a deep breath, "I don't know."_

"_You don't?"_

"_No, and that is the honest truth," she said with a reassuring squeeze of his hand. "Liz doesn't know."_

"_Wait, what?"_

"_He didn't want me to tell anyone," she answered honestly, "but I fought him and told him if I found you that I was going to tell you. That you deserved to know the truth."_

"_How?"_

"_How what?"_

"_How did you find me?"_

"_Well…"_

"_Let me guess," Luke said with a smirk, "Miss Patty and her ability to pick up phone lines."_

"_It was the only thing I could think of."_

_Luke paused for a moment and ran his hand through his hair. "Thank you."_

"_It was nothing…"_

"_No, it really was. I needed to know and you made sure that I did. That means a lot to me."_

_Lorelai could feel her cheeks burning and was glad that Luke wasn't looking at her. She just smiled, "Are you going to come back with me?"_

_Luke hesitated._

"_Luke, you'll regret it if you don't."_

"_I know that," he answered a little more gruffly than he'd intended. "Sorry, I just don't know if I can yet. I mean…"_

"_I understand," Lorelai answered. "Think about it though, okay. My flight leaves at three tomorrow afternoon and I'd really like for you to be on it."_

"_I'll think about it."_

"_Okay," Lorelai said, "that is all I can ask for."_

And now he knew that he had that decision to make. He could either man up and go home today with Lorelai, be there for his father and sister, and deal with everything or he could stay, wrapped up in the little world he'd created here. He knew what he should do.

But he couldn't say he was ready to do that.

Right now he couldn't say what he was going to do, or what he might be ready to deal with.

--

_So I did it Maddie, I told him. About William. Not about anything else…or about…gah, how pathetic is this? I'm rambling to my diary, who, can't talk, so can't ramble back. I'm a nut case, I swear it. But anyways…he now knows about his dad._

_It broke my heart telling him. I just wanted to take the pain away from him, but I was the one causing it. What a horrible feeling to have. I know he needed to know. I didn't have a choice. But it still hurt all the same. I hope he comes back with me today._

_I just don't know if he will. Usually I can read him no problem. I can tell by the look in his eyes and the way his smirk raises to a side what is going on in that head of his. But not last night. And it was probably the night I would have wanted to have that intuition the most. But it wasn't there. He was so guarded, so…withdrawn. _

_I know he's got to have a ton of stuff running around in his head. I can't even begin to imagine what he must be feeling. I mean, I'm close to William; I love him like a father, but…_

_But he's not my father. _

_And I didn't lose my mother either._

_Well, at least not in the way that Luke lost his. My heart breaks for him Maddie; it just keeps cracking and cracking. I don't know what to do to make it any better either. I'm not sure there really is anything I could do._

_Being in love with him sure is hard. I just wish I could wrap my arms around him and take all his pain away. I'd much rather be hurting myself than to watch someone I care about so deeply hurt. I'd do the same for Rory, or Mia, or Liz, or even William. Especially William._

_I wish I knew what to do._

_Can't my fairy godmother just pop up from the floorboards and help me out here? That would surely make my life just a little bit better. But life isn't a fairy tale and we don't have fairy godmothers that are able to wave their magic wand and fix the problems of life._

_Nope, we are instead left to deal with the problems and frustrations of life on our own. And that seems impossible most days. _

_I'm really hoping though that Luke can deal with this and come home with me. I need him there and so does William. And Liz too, even if she might not know it yet._

_They need to be a family right now and not one that is spread across states. _

_I know he's hurting. I get that. But still…_

_Am I being heartless? I don't think I am, but it may come across that way if someone were to pick this up. He was stood up at the altar, his heart broken, and now I want him to come home and deal with his family. Is that too much to be asking? Is it?_

_I wish you could answer me Maddie. I'm sure you'd just be full of wisdom and maybe some answers and I wouldn't be sitting here, pondering, rather clueless on what to do._

_I should probably go help Rachel with breakfast. Well, at least keep her company. I'm going to be sad that I'm leaving her; she's become a great friend over the last day or so. It is going to be hard without her around._

_I guess we'll just have to keep in touch and maybe I can convince her to come back to Stars Hollow. I guess that is next on my to-do list._

_--_

"So," a very chipper Rachel greeted a groggy Luke, "how was your night?"

Luke grunted; his only response and Rachel glared at her warily.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Don't ask."

"Luke?"

"I had a rough night okay," he told her, "can we please drop it?"

"Eh, sure," she answered with a shrug. "Sorry…"

"It isn't your fault."

"Yes it is," she argued, "at least partially. I mean, I'm the one that basically forced you to go out with Lorelai last night. If it didn't go well…"

"My dad is dying."



The silence that filled the room was enough to make even the calmest person nervous as Rachel stopped breathing.

"What?"

"Lorelai came to get me to come home," Luke stated, "because dad is sick. He's dying."

"But…how, when?"

"I don't know. Lorelai doesn't know many details either. She found out by mistake and forced dad to fill her in and then told him he didn't have a choice and she was going to find me and tell me. He didn't want anyone to know. Liz doesn't know…"

"Oh Luke, I'm so sorry."

"Yeah."

"So you're going to go back with her right?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean by that? You have too."

"No I don't."

"Luke, he's your dad. You need to be there for him."

"I don't know if I can go back yet."

"Luke, you have too."

"I know I should…"

"Yeah, you really should."

"But…"

"I can't believe you Luke! I can't. Your dad needs you. Your sister and nephew need you. And as much as you might not want to admit it, you need them. Go home Luke. Spend time with your family while you still can."

"But Rachel…"

"Not buts. I'm not allowing you to stay in this house anymore after today if you decide to not fly back with Lorelai tonight. You wanna stay; you can find somewhere else to sleep."

Rachel slammed the door to the outside porch behind her as she left the room and Luke sank down into the stool as tears streamed down his face.

She was right and he knew it.

He needed to go home.



He just didn't know if he wanted to.

--

_Part of me wants to kill him. I'm not going to lie about that. I can't believe it…he is so pig-headed and stubborn and…AH! _

_I'm thankful for Rachel. At least she tried. And kicked him out. That was funny._

_But he's not coming back. At least not yet. I don't understand what his problem is. But it is off my conscience now. I can't let myself deal with his problems anymore. It's so draining. I have my own stuff I have to deal with and William is a part of that for me too._

_William is his father. Hopefully that starts to mean something to him soon. But…if it doesn't, well, he'll be the one to have the regret buried deep inside of him for the rest of his life._

_I'm not going to carry any of that guilt around. I did what I could. I tried. That is all I could do._

_It is._

_GAH! I'm so frustrated with him. And the harder I try not to think about it or dwell on it, the more his face pops into my head. _

_This is all probably because I care about him so much…that is the reason it is just killing me that he was so stupid. What an ass._

_I have to believe though that he'll be here soon._

_I'm praying I'm right. That is the only thing I can do right now. Pray and hope._

--

**I know…I know…trust me…Luke is being a jerk and I realize it. It just sorta happened. Review and let me know what you think? Thanks!**


	28. February 21, 1990

**A/N: I'm back. With another update. Here you go. Yup, that is it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls.**

* * *

_February 21, 1990_

_Sorry Maddie, it's been quite a busy month and I'm fully feeling the ramifications of that. But, I need to get caught up, so I purposely made time in my day to write today. I've been meaning to for about the last week, but, you know sometimes it just doesn't happen. _

_I mean, raising a daughter, working one full time job and one part time job, and dealing with everything else is exhausting. _

_At least I have help though._

_Yup. Luke came home. About a week after I left Florida he showed up on my doorstep with an apology for being a jerk and a new attitude._

_Neither of us have really talked about that weekend since. Which really is okay with me now that I think about it. But, it's good to have him back. And he really seems to be doing okay. I mean with the whole called off wedding and everything. _

_I'm glad._

_Liz knows about William now. We couldn't hide it from her anymore and I think William knew that. I mean, really, he had to. But as hard as it has been, I think William is doing better knowing that he has people behind him that care for him. It is almost like he is fighting harder._

_The rest of the town doesn't really know yet. Mia knows and that is pretty much it. She's been so close to the family for so long that it almost seemed like she deserved to know. She's been great about flexing my hours and such if I'm needed at the store._

_That in itself has been great. She's such a great friend. I'm not sure what I would do without her. I know there is no way that Rory would be as great as she is right now without Mia's help._

_Speaking of my darling daughter! She's thriving in school right now. Her teachers are consistently raving about her. And I couldn't be more proud. She, right now is in ballet practice. Now, she's not super graceful to be honest, but she loves being in class with Miss Patty and I wouldn't take that away from her._

_It was quite adorable, she tried to get Jess to sign up and take a dance class with her. That certainly didn't happen. Jess isn't one for dance class. It was funny watching her try to convince him though. I thought for a moment that he might actually cave, but he didn't. _

_She's doing a good job at making new friends in the dance class too. There are several girls from neighboring towns that come for dance lessons from Miss Patty so there are a lot more people she doesn't know in class. I'm happy that her little social bubble is growing some._

_Now me, I'm fine in my social bubble. I really don't have much of one._

_But when would I have time for a social life anyways?_

_Sometimes I wish I could have a normal 'young adult' life, but then I look at Rory and I wouldn't change having her for anything in the world. I love her more than words could say and yes, her addition to my life is well worth the 'scandal' I caused being an unwed, pregnant teenager._

_She's worth it all._

_I haven't talked to either of my parents' since that fateful dinner last fall. I'm not sure I'll ever hear from them again. Mom was pretty upset and dad, well he tends to go along with mom on whatever she says. He has always let her pretty much run the show._

_He was never around, that is probably why. He was consistently gone, or one business trip or another, doing something for work. That was the normal for me. To be left with the nanny while my parent's gallivanted around the globe._

_I traveled with them some when I got a little older. I think I took my first trip overseas with them when I was ten or eleven. We went to Paris, London, Rome, and I think we also went to Amsterdam that time too. Paris is my favorite. All the beauty that is there, I would love to go back and visit there again._

_Maybe with my very own prince charming?_

_Yeah, if that ever actually happens for me then I'll make sure we travel to Paris, but I'm not holding my breath anymore Maddie. As much as I want Luke to realize that I'm more than the best friend I've become to him, I've pretty much given up hope._

_He's never going to get over Kara and I just have to come to terms with that. I can survive just being his friend. I know I can. I mean, it isn't like I really have a choice, is there Maddie? I can't force feelings from him and I wouldn't want to._

_Friends. Friends are bad, everyone needs friends…_

"Mom!" Rory's small voice called from the entry way, "I'm home!"

"Really?" Lorelai asked her daughter with a laugh, "I wouldn't have guessed with you yelling through the house. "Who brought you home today?"

"Luke walked me home," Rory explained as she peeled off her dancing shoes, "he wants to talk to you."

"Okay," Lorelai said watching for Luke to enter the same way her daughter had. When she didn't see him after several seconds she turned back to Rory, "where is he?"

"I think he was looking around the garage for something," she said with a shrug, "he wants you to meet him out there."

"Thank hon," Lorelai answered and slipped on a pair of sneakers before heading outside. "Luke?"

"In here," she heard his voice call from the garage and she trekked slowly to the open garage door.

"What are you looking for?" Lorelai asked when she finally got to the door.

"Nothing," he answered honestly, "I just needed a reason to get Rory away from our conversation."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Its dad," Luke told her. His voice was calm and steady but Lorelai could see the tears starting to gather in his eyes. "I think he's getting worse."

"But…" Lorelai stammered, "I thought he said the doctors told him the treatment was working? He said…"

"Exactly," Luke said interrupting her. "Dad said those things. Neither of us could actually go to the appointment with him and I don't know how honest he was being."

"Why do you say that?"

"I know this may sound, strange, but I can just tell. But I can't call the doctor and ask because they won't tell me anything."

"Luke," Lorelai started gently, "you have to calm down. You have to."

"I know," he stated firmly. "I just…I don't know what to do Lorelai and that scares me more than even I can think about."

"He'll be fine," Lorelai whispered and wrapped her arms around him. He immediately returned the gesture and Lorelai felt the wetness from his tears on his shoulders. Her own eyes filled with tears.

Then he suddenly pulled away.

"Thanks Lorelai." His words were short and to the point. "I've got to get back to the store. I'll see you later?"

"Yeah," Lorelai answered with a quick nod, "I'll see you later."

And then he was gone. Lorelai wrapped her arms around her stomach trying to quiet the butterflies that had taken flight when his arms wrapped around her.

"It was nothing Lorelai," she told herself, "nothing. Just a friend comforting another friend. It was just a gesture of friendship."

Lorelai shook her head and started back towards her house.

* * *

_March 16, 1990_

_I just have to rave for awhile Maddie, is that okay? Rory is just amazing. I mean, I'm sure all parents say that about their kids, but I'm serious. She's a genius. I had some parent teacher conferences and stuff today at the school and Rory's teachers are completely taken by her._

_She's top in all her classes, which, doesn't mean much now, since she's still so young, but I have a feeling she'll stay on top for the rest of her school career. She's going to be valedictorian when she graduates. She'll graduate at the top of her class, go to Harvard, and rule the world. _

_That is right, she'll rule the world._

_And I'll be right there cheering her on. My little girl, who sadly enough will not stay little forever._

_Though I have to admit that sometimes I wish she would. Stay little I mean. I just want to keep her close to me forever. But I can't and I know that. I do. I just don't want to think about that yet. _

_So I'm not going to ._

_Not yet._

_It really isn't like I have to deal with that yet. I mean, she's only five and a half. Man, how did I get on this topic Maddie? _

_Maybe it is because I'm trying really hard to think about anything else. Mainly William._

_It isn't look good Maddie. He's getting worse and we all know it. But no one knows what do to about it. _

_The town knows about it now. Everyone has been incredibly supportive and great, but there are some things that are just hard. And this is certainly one of them. Luke is doing okay I guess. I know that he's trying to deal with it all and I'm just happy to be here for him._

_I'm doing everything I can to be the supportive friend._

_I hope I'm doing an okay job._

_Now Maddie, before I close you up for the night let me tell you this crazy thing that happened to me the other day. So, I was in Hartford with Mia, just taking some time to myself. Away from Stars Hollow and everything and I ran into my dad._

_I know. It was weird._

_But good. Oddly enough it was good. I mean, we spoke…and it wasn't yelling, it was friendly. Friendly would be a good word._

_It might be able to be salvaged, our relationship, I mean. I would like to say that I know it can, but I can't say for sure. But I'm going to try. That is for sure._

_I'm falling asleep here Maddie so I guess that means I need to actually sleep tonight. I've got a full day tomorrow. William has another doctor's appointment. I'm praying for some positive news. That is what we need._

_Good news._

**A/N: Review? Thanks!**


	29. March 10, 1990

**A/N: Please, please, please don't hate me. I'm begging you. I know it has been..awhile…since my last update. It wasn't on purpose…I got distracted and this got pushed under the rug. But I'm back. And I promise I plan on continuing this story and finishing it. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own GG…duh.**

**--**

_March 10, 1990_

_I hate hospitals Maddie. It's official. They are too white, too sterile, and just too stuffy. All the doctors and nurses that putter around, seemingly helpful, but are they really? I mean, I guess they are. To an extent. But it has been days and they still don't seem to have any news on William's condition. I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself huh? Backing up and explaining might make this little rant a bit more coherent and understandable._

_William is really sick. They are assuming it is somehow tied to the cancer, but they haven't been able to find anything definite that would be causing his quick decline in health. Luke is a nervous wreck. And frankly I don't blame him. He's trying to be strong, trying to make it seem as if nothing is bothering him, but I can see right through that._

_He is as scared as Liz and I._

_We are taking turns spending time with him here at the hospital. I'm on my shift right now and he's sleeping so I'm taking the first chance I've gotten in awhile to update. Everything has been so crazy around the store and the Inn. I feel as if I'm being pulled in a million different directions._

_But I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. I love being a member of Stars Hollow and everything that comes with it. But most importantly, I'm happy being a part of the Danes' family. _

_But Maddie…oh god, I can't believe I'm going to be admitting this, even to you. Putting it down on paper makes it more real than I've ever allotted myself to believe, think, or even dream about. But…_

_I want to officially be a Danes. _

_I'm in love with him. Fully and completely in love with one Luke Danes. And though I've never thought I would actually get married, or even want to be married, I do. So badly. It is hard for me to be in the same room as him without completely falling over myself._

_And he's my best friend. I can't avoid him either. I don't know what to do. Which, is a strange thing for me. I am usually self-confident and self-assured and a go-getter. But right now…_

_All I want his for him to show some sort of the same feelings for me. I just don't know if I ever will._

_I hate being like this Maddie. Hate it. I hate being the girl that drools over a guy she doesn't think she'll ever be able to get. Lost in a dream world of weddings and families and growing old together. But I've turned into that. _

_I see him with Rory and Jess and know that he would make an amazing father. So attentive and loving. So completely supportive of their dreams and ambitions. He would have his little girl wrapped around his finger, just as Rory practically is. And a boy would be his 'lil slugger.'_

_I can picture it. I know I shouldn't, but I do._

_I'm in for heartbreak, aren't I?_

_I'm an annoying little sister to him, aren't I? That is all he views me as. I should learn to live with it. But, I don't want to._

_I don't want to live with just being his friend. I want more. God, how did this become so confusing and completely crazy? I mean…_

_I don't even know what I mean anymore. I really don't._

_Oh, it seems as if William is waking up…I'll try and write more later tonight. No guarantees though Maddie. It all depends on if I can get away long enough._

Lorelai sat down her journal and turned her eyes and attention towards the rousing man on the hospital bed. She smiled slightly when his eyes opened and landed on her.

"Lorelai," he choked out, "what are you doing here?"

"Spending time with you," she answered flashing him a grin, "how are you feeling?"

"Like I got run over by a truck," he answered attempting to laugh. His face contorted in pain.

"Let me get the doctor," Lorelai said, and William grabbed her hand. "Will…"

"Don't," he asked, "please, I'm fine."

"No you aren't. You're really sick and in a lot of pain. Let me get the doctor, they'll be able to help."

"They will?" he asked, "it's been what, six days? And nothing. They just don't want to tell me I'm dying."

"Don't say that," Lorelai begged, tears threatening her eyes. "That isn't true."

"I wish it wasn't," William told her. "But I know my body. They can't do anything else; I can tell in their forced smiles and hushed tones. It's going to happen."

"But no time soon," Lorelai insisted and William shook his head. "William…"

"You'll be fine," William told him, "and so will Luke and Liz. You all will be fine. Just stick together."

"William…"

"He'll need someone strong to stand by him," William continued and Lorelai let the tears fall from her eyes. "I know you will be good for him and too him. You love him, I can see it in your eyes. The two of you together will be a forced to be reckoned with."



"William…"

"Liz will need guidance," he went on. "You've been a good friend to her and I hope you stay good friends. She may be flighty, but she means well. She has a good heart."

"I can't do this right now William," Lorelai grasped his hands. "I can't think about that happening."

"But it is," William told her, his eyes sad. "You do love him, don't you?"

Lorelai nodded, her eyes focused on their entwined hands.

"I thought so," William said, "I love you like a daughter Lorelai. Thank you for coming into our lives."

"Thank you for welcoming into your family William," Lorelai told him, kissing his cheek. "I love you."

"Don't let Luke's aloofness fool you," William told her, "he cares very deeply for you. He just…he just has some trust issues he might have to deal with. Don't give up though."

"William…"

"I think I need to rest some more," he said, his eyes drifting again under the spell of pain medicine. "Remember, don't give up."

Lorelai nodded, silently promising William that she would never give up on his son and his family as she watched him slip back off to sleep. Tears poured from her eyes as she left the room, in search for a place to gather her thoughts.

--

_March 10, 1990 (okay, technically March 11, 1990…but whatever.)_

_I haven't been able to sleep Maddie. I'm not sure if I will at all tonight. William's words really got to me. Him talking about dying and such. I can't stop thinking about it. No matter how hard I try. I don't want him to…_

_He can't. He just can't._

_He could tell about my feelings for Luke. I'm not sure if I was surprised or not about that. I don't think so. It would make sense for him to be able to tell. It just would. I mean…_

_I'm glad he knows. And I will keep my promise to him. No matter what happens I'll never give up on Luke. I don't think I could even if I tried._

_Does that sound too…stalkerish? Obsessive? I don't even care. It really doesn't matter. I love him and that is all that matters. William seems to think he feels the same way for me. I hope he's right._

_Rory and Jess are having a hard time dealing with all of this. William being in the hospital. I don't want to have to explain to them he's died. _

_God. I can't get that word out of my mind. I can't stop seeing his face when he told me he knew…_

_He's wrong. He has to be wrong._

_I pray he's…_

The knock on her door stunned Lorelai mid-sentence and she hurried to open the door. A red-eyed Luke stood on her doorway and as soon as the door was open she was wrapped in his arms.

She responded wrapping her arms around him, kicking the door closed shutting out the cool night air. She felt his tears on her shoulders as they stood in the entry way silently. Time passed slowly before she finally felt him start to loosen his grasp on her body.

"Luke?" she asked tentatively, she wasn't sure she wanted him to answer. "Luke?"

"He's dying Lorelai," Luke gasped, his head resting against hers. "They aren't giving him much more time either. I don't want to lose him."

"Luke…"

"Please don't ever leave me Lorelai," he cried, "I don't think I could handle loosing you too."

Lorelai gripped him tighter before answering in barely a whisper, "Don't worry Luke. You won't ever loose me."

--

**A/N: Short? Yes. But it was pretty full too. Please tell me you don't hate me and leave a review. I'll be so thankful.**


	30. April 29, 1990

_**A/N: Don't hate me…please don't hate me! It really isn't on purpose that I haven't updated, I've just been hitting brick walls in this story and 'A Family's Beginnings' and I'm SO sorry! But, I'm here with another chapter. And I'm hoping to have the next chapter of 'A Family's Beginnings' done soon too. Just don't hate me, please!**_

_**Disclaimer: Gilmore Girls is not my personal property. A sad day for me.**_

_**--**_

_April 29, 1990_

The wind whipped around her hair and the coolness nipped at the end of her nose. It was cold and gray and the drizzling rain was enough to make her even more depressed than she was already. It was fitting though, the rain, she knew, to have it rain today. It was colder than normal, but she didn't care, she really couldn't feel it anymore anyways.

Her feet hurt, the black heels squeezing her toes together in the most uncomfortable way, but she didn't dare to open her mouth in complaint. It wasn't the place or the time for it. She couldn't help but want to kick them off and run barefoot though.

Her fingers were wrapped securely through those of her daughter's and she stared up at a sea of black. It was almost as if her mind was disconnected from what actually was going on around her. Her eyes looked up and fell on him standing across from her. His eyes were drawn to the wooden box that sat in front of them, and she could feel the tears in his eyes without seeing them.

She didn't want to be there.

Lorelai was caught off guard when the reverend said "Amen" and looked up to see the group of people slowly moving away. All except for him.

"Miss Patty?" Lorelai whispered to the older woman standing next to her, "can you take Rory?"

Miss Patty nodded, dabbing her make-up covered eyes with a lace kerchief. Lorelai handed Rory's hand to Patty's and kissed her forehead quickly. Lorelai stood in her spot, nodding sadly to the people who passed her by offering their condolences. She hated received the sympathetic glances and knew the whispers were floating into the air. It was nearly too much to take.

It wasn't until everyone had left them alone did she move closer to him. She didn't offer any words, knowing there weren't really any to offer, and just threaded her arm through his.

"What am I going to do?" his voice cracked when he spoke. "I don't know what I'm going to do."

Lorelai didn't say anything, because really, there wasn't anything for her to say anything. She just let him continue talking.

"I'm going to shut the store down for awhile," he offered, "maybe forever, I'm not sure. But…"

"It isn't your passion," she finished, "I get that."

"Am I disgracing him?" he asked, "shutting it down?"

"No Luke," she assured him with a quick squeeze on his arm, "you aren't disgracing him. He wouldn't want you to be stuck in something you didn't want to do."

"I guess," Luke shrugged, "maybe I'll do some traveling."

"Really?" Lorelai asked, unable to hide the disappointment that she felt. "Where would you go?"

"I don't know," Luke told her honestly, "but I think I just need to get out of here."

"Oh."

"I just don't know if I can stay here."

"I understand."

"I've got to go," Luke said suddenly separating himself from Lorelai's embrace, "I'll talk to you later."

"Are you going back to the Inn for the…"

"No," he declared, "I'm just going to go home. Don't tell anyone, okay? I couldn't deal with anymore sympathy today."

"Okay."

"Bye."

And with that he was gone. Lorelai walked quickly back into town and to the Inn. She didn't let herself think about what would happen if Luke actually left.

_April 30, 1990_

_So, it's the day after the funeral and I'm still having a hard time really adjusting. It's only been a week since I got the call at work…_

_I still can't believe it. I mean, he was fine. Or at least that is what we all thought. He seemed to be getting better, but then he was gone. Suddenly._

_It's hit Luke pretty hard, but I knew that was coming. I mean, he…he hasn't been the same since it happened, not that she thought he would. No one did. But I don't think that anyone expected for William to die. Or at least didn't want to believe it was possible. The town is mourning. _

_I'm afraid for Liz too. She seems to have…I don't know, loose it? Which I realize seems a little mean, but I'm only being honest. I worry about her and Jess…I can't help it. I'm a worrier._

_And Rory…_

_I don't even know how I'm going to do this…_

_She seems to be doing okay…but…I don't know. And that scares me. I mean, she's my daughter, I should be able to tell what she is feeling, shouldn't I?_

_I think so. But I don't. And that is killing me. Killing me._

_Because I feel as if I'm turning into my mother, which would be the worst thing ever to me. But my mother didn't understand me and never could and now our relationship is more strained than anything mother-daughter relationship I've never known._

_I refuse to allow that to happen. But I feel as if Rory is slipping away, already and she isn't even in middle school yet._

_I don't know what to do about it though._

_She needs to open up to me some. I'm not sure why she is so closed mouthed all the sudden. For the most part she is a rather open and funny little girl. The last week has taken a toll on her._

Lorelai looked up from her diary for a moment to wipe the tear away from her cheek. It had been a long couple of days and she was feeling it in her entire body. Glancing at the clock she threw her head back against her pillow and groaned. It was going to be another night of little sleep as the clock glowed bright at two-thirty.

Setting the cherished book aside she slipped farther down into her comforter and flipped off the light. Grabbing the extra pillow that was on her bed and cradling it to her chest she closed her eyes tight to will herself into sleep.

--

Lorelai felt the bed sink down under the weight of someone else as she slept and it pulled her out of the restless sleep she was trying to get. Another head met hers on the pillow she was resting on and her eyes finally opened.

"Luke?" she questioned when she was met with his stunning eyes, "what are you…"

"I wanted to talk to you," he whispered and propped his head up with his arm, "I hope you don't mind that I used my key."

"No," she answered quickly and worked on pulling herself up. "What time is it?"

"About four," he told her in a very nonchalant type of way, something that wasn't usual for him, especially this week. "I know it's early, but I didn't want to wait."

"Are you okay Luke?"

"I'm not sure Lorelai," he said with a groan, "I want to be…but this hit me. I knew it was coming but I still feel as if I was run over by a truck and I hate it."

"Luke…"

"No," he stopped her shortly, "I really do need to get away from here, from the stares and sympathetic gestures."

"They just want you to know that they are there for you," Lorelai argued, "they love you."

"They are crazy."

"No they aren't."

"I can't stay Lorelai," Luke persisted, "not right now."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm not totally sure yet."

"Luke…"

"I'll let you know though," he assured her, "as soon as I get wherever that is."

"You're leaving now, aren't you?" she asked, "that is why you came and woke me up."

"Yeah," he confirmed, "I wanted to get out of here with the smallest amount of questions and figured the middle of the night would be best."

"That makes sense."

"I'll be back Lorelai."

"You don't know that," she whispered as he went to stand up. "So don't promise that, okay?"

"But I do know that."

"How?"

"Because," he said with a smile and a shrug of his shoulders, "I couldn't leave you forever."

"Luke…"

"I mean that Lorelai," Luke insisted and leaned down close to her ear, "you've become a part of me."

"Luke…"

"I'll call you," he said, "I promise. Bye Lorelai."

"Bye Luke," Lorelai answered with a sadness she wasn't about to mask. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

"I will," he agreed and then paused for just a second. Before she knew it his lips were pressed against hers in a short kiss. With another whispered, "Don't go anywhere," he was gone. Leaving Lorelai to stare after him in complete shock.

--

_**A/N: Ya'll hate me, don't you. I knew it. **_


	31. July 19, 1990

**A/N: So, although I'm usually begging you not to hate me in this thing, I realized today, you have every right now. I went back and re-read the last chapter, and for me to leave it there…with no updates in what is probably been forever, I'd be pretty mad too. I hope this chapter makes up for that. I'm sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.**

**Disclaimer: They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, however, it doesn't magically let you own things. They still aren't mine.**

**---**

_July 19, 1990_

Lorelai couldn't help but smile as she grabbed the mail out of the mailbox on her way up the steps. The mailman, Hank, always knew to put the postcard on top, and she was grateful. It was interesting to see where he'd ended up this time. A beautiful skyline was painted across the front, with the words _Greetings from Seattle_, scrawled in loopy print in the top corner.

This had become a mid-week tradition. Either Wednesday or Thursday there would be another postcard, with another part of the USA on the front, mapping out where he'd been and what he was doing.

The message on the back was very similar every time, hardly ever changing, and always short. It usually consisted of _I miss you and Rory, _and_ tell Liz and Jess I'm okay_, and sometimes even a messy, almost illegible, _I love you _or _see you soon._

He never gave a return address and was usually moving around so quickly that she couldn't answer him, no matter how badly she wanted to. That was the most frustrating part, not being able to answer him, to tell him how much he meant to her.

It had been a long, hard, road after he left. She'd been the one to close up the hardware store, to try and convince Liz not to leave, and at the same time, explain to her daughter why everyone was disappearing. She was exhausted.

Plopping down on the couch and glancing at the clock, she knew she would have at least thirty minutes to pour over his postcard before Rory would come bouncing in, wanting to see it.

She flipped it over to the backside and held her breath. The note was longer than any other postcard he'd sent before. She pressed her eyelids closed, for just a minute, before taking a deep breath and starting to read.

_Lorelai-_

_Seattle is beautiful and very place a city you would love. It's teaming with coffee, everywhere I look there seems to be another coffee shop. I've been here for several days, and I'm hesitant to leave. Being here reminds me of you. That is a comfort. I hope you are doing well. Give Rory a kiss for me._

_I love you,_

_Luke_

She didn't even notice the tears that were streaming down her face until small droplets hit the ink below. It was by far his most thoughtful postcard yet and her heart ached for his return. Pressing the card close to her heart, she decided that Rory wouldn't get all the details of this card. She was keeping it private. She took the stairs two at a time and slipped his words into the protective cover of her diary.

---

_August 2, 1990_

_It's really hard Maddie not to get discouraged. I mean, seriously…it's been months. I know he took William's death hard, we all did…but then to just leave me and Rory. There isn't any doubt in my mind that I love him. I always will…and I'm not ready to move on yet, but what if I get to the point that I am. _

_How long is too long? _

_Rory has all but stopped asking about him. She still likes to read over his postcards, but as they aren't coming quite as regular anymore…I don't know what I'm supposed to do Maddie. Is there anything really that I can do? _

_I've tried willing him back here myself and that hasn't worked. I have no phone number or address permanent enough to try and contact him at, when all I really want to do is tell him that I still love him. That I'm still here, waiting._

_The looks from the townspeople are getting sadder and sadder. I feel as if I'm in some horrible made-for-TV movie. I think they are starting to loose hope that he'll ever come back._

_And sometimes I feel as if I am too._

_Liz is gone. She packed up her apartment and took Jess to New York. Said she wanted to get away…that she couldn't take the memories. Can I say I blame her? Not really. But that has left Rory even more alone…and well, me too. _

_Is everyone going to abandon me Maddie? At least I know I'll always have a friend in you. _

_I'm trying to keep up a brave and happy face for Rory…but, that doesn't always work. That little bugger is a lot more observant than most kids her age. I've got a little genius on my hands, that is for sure._

_We'll be alright, though Maddie. Won't we?_

Lorelai set down her diary and took a deep and shaky breath in. She wasn't one to be depressed and sulky, but lately it seemed as if she was spiraling downwards. She really wanted nothing more than Luke to come home and make everything right.

"Mom!" Rory's voice interrupted her thoughts and placed the diary back in it's hiding spot.

"I'm upstairs," she called back and heard Rory's feet on the stairs. Only a few seconds later Rory burst in the room, her cheeks pink with flush. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she answered with a sigh, "but we have mail!"

"Mail?" she questioned, "we always have mail, why do you seem so excited about this one."

Her hand thrust an envelope into Lorelai's and she knew right away what had Rory bouncing all over the place. It was Luke's handwriting. Something they'd both be able to recognize anywhere.

Lorelai was worried though. He'd never sent an actually letter before, it had always been postcards. Taking a breath to steady her heart rate, she pried the envelope open with her fingernail.

"What does it say?" Rory asked within seconds of the letter being opened in Lorelai's hand.

"Calm down Ror," she chided, "I haven't even had a chance to read it yet."

She scanned the letter quickly, wondering what he'd say. This was out of the ordinary for him and she wanted to be prepared.

Nothing seemed out of ordinary.

"MOM!" Rory complained, "what does it say?"

It was then that her eyes caught the fateful sentence. The sentence she knew was going to change everything. The words she had wanted to see for so long they didn't seem real.

But they were.

"MOM!"

"He's coming home," her voice was barely a whisper. "Luke's coming back."

---

**A/N: Wow, so I wasn't planning on stopping there, but sometimes you just have to go with your gut feelings, huh? I hope this chapter didn't disappoint. I'd love to have feedback…but of course, ya'll know that by now.**


	32. August 4, 1990

**A/N: Hello again fanfic world! I've got another chapter here for you. I wasn't originally going to take it this way, but then my fingers just went there, so I guess I did too. It is actually going to make this story a little bit longer. I'm just not sure how much longer. I guess it just depends on what you, the readers, want.**

**A/N: I don't own GG. Never have, never will…boo.**

**---**

_August 4, 1990_

_I still can't believe it Maddie. I've carried around his letter with me for the last two days so when I decide it really can't be true I can pull it out and re-read it again. And again. And again. I haven't been this happy about something in a long time. A really long time Maddie. _

_He's coming home._

_And he loves me._

_Things are really starting to look up for me. I'm going to head over to the store tonight and clean it up some. I'm not sure what Luke is going to want to do with it, but I want it to be ready when he comes back._

_Rory is thrilled too. And I'm so happy that she's smiling again. Me too. I can't stop smiling. Miss Patty asked me what was up today, I just kind of shrugged her off. I'm not sure if Luke is going to want the whole town to know when he's coming back. _

_Then again, I don't really know when he's coming back either. Just that he is. The letter didn't say when, I'm not sure if he knew. But that really doesn't matter to me. Just that he is going to means the world to me. Of course, I'd like it to be soon, like today, but I've had patience up until now, what is another week. Nothing really…_

_And now I've got something to look forward to._

_Yeah, things are defiantly looking up for us Maddie. And I think it is about time._

_---_

"Lorelai?" Taylor's voice came through the front of the store, "Lorelai are you in here?"

Lorelai forced a grin onto her face and wiped a hand across her forehead before answering. "I'm right here Taylor. What can I do for you today?"

"What may I ask are you doing in here?" Taylor asked and Lorelai could tell he wasn't going to let this go easily. "This is not your property."

"I know that Taylor," Lorelai calmly answered, "but this is the Danes' property and building. I'm just keeping it up while Luke is out of town."

"Did you get permission to do that?"

"Permission?" Lorelai asked, "From whom?"

"From…the town, Luke, anyone."

"I have a key Taylor," Lorelai explained patiently, "I've always had a key. I'm allowed to be here. And I don't think I would need permission to come in and work if I wanted to. I'm not bothering anyone."

"As town selectman…"

"I know Taylor," Lorelai interrupted, "but I'm in a building owned by a friend, in which I have permission from them to be. I don't need to get your permission, or the permission of the 'town'. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work."

"Well," Taylor hissed, "we'll see about this. And with Luke skipping out and Liz moving to God only knows where, the building should be put under the authority of the town. I'm going to have to see about this Lorelai."

"Good luck Taylor," Lorelai answered sarcastically as Taylor scoffed and slammed the door on his way off.

"Mom," Rory interrupted Lorelai's thoughts, "why didn't you just tell Taylor that Luke is coming back?"

"Because sweetie," Lorelai told her, "I'm not sure if Luke is going to want lots of people to know that before he gets here, especially Taylor."

"Oh," Rory answered, "I guess that makes sense."

"Yeah," Lorelai smiled, "okay, let's get back to work."

They started back on straightening everything up, dusting, and just simply cleaning. It wasn't Lorelai's favorite thing to do, or Rory's, but they went at it with excitement. It was starting to get dark when they finally locked up and headed home. After heating up some leftovers for dinner, they settled in to watch some TV.

Lorelai carried Rory to her room after she'd fallen asleep, much later than she normally would have let her stay up, and kissed her forehead before sneaking quietly out of her room. She grabbed another cup of coffee before settling in again on the couch. She pulled the letter out of her pocket again and studied the words.

It was real. She knew that, but she had wished for it for so long that she wasn't sure she could believe it.

But she was learning to.

---

_August 6, 1990_

_I'm still excited. It's only been a few days really, so there isn't anything to worry about, right?_

_No, of course not. I'm over-reacting. Just like normal. I don't know why I'm panicking so much. I trust him. And I know that he is going to do what he says, I just have no patience._

_It's something I'm working on. I've never really had patience…I'm not sure I ever really will, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try._

_I think I passed that on to Rory too. She's getting impatient for him to come home. She's still so young though, she doesn't really understand everything that is going on. My poor girl has been jerked around so much in her life, it really is hard on her._

_Shit, I'm late. Mia is going to kill me, it is the third time this week! Hope she doesn't fire me…she won't, right. I should get to work. Bye._

_---_

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Lorelai cried as she burst into the Inn's main lobby. "I know, I'm late and I'm so sorry."

"It's okay Lorelai," Mia comforted her from behind the desk, "it is nice to work every once and awhile. I should do this more often."

"I think you work enough," Lorelai chuckled, "I really am sorry I was late. I got distracted."

"I really don't mind," Mia assured her, "so, have you heard from Luke lately? You haven't mentioned anything for a few days."

"Uh," Lorelai stuttered, "he sent a letter a couple days ago. He's doing good. He is actually, uh, thinking about coming home."

"Good," Mia nodded, "do you know when?"

"No," Lorelai shook her head, "unfortunately not. He said soon, but no time specific was given. That is a little frustrating, but I'm just remembering that he will be coming. I am working on patience."

"That is something everyone could use more of," Mia said with a laugh, "I'm glad to see you working on that though. And trust Luke, he's a good boy."

"I know that."

"I'm sure you do," Mia said with a sly grin, "well, I'm going to get out of here and let you do your job. Bye Lorelai."

"Bye Mia," Lorelai waived and watched as her boss shook her head on her way out. She wasn't sure what she was thinking, but knew Mia was imagining little Luke's and Lorelai's running around Stars Hollow in the near future.

Lorelai wasn't sure she was ready to imagine that, but she sure wasn't against it either.

It was going to be a long day.

---

_August 9, 1990_

_Another postcard today, a lot like the ones before the letter. But…I'm still not giving up hope. He sent it from Chicago this time. That is closer, which is a good sign, right Maddie? I sure want to think so._

_It didn't say much though and that makes me nervous. What if he is rethinking it? God, I'm such a mess. I hate being this girl. The girl that is all dependant on a boy. But…he's the boy for me. I know he is._

_I've never felt this way about anyone before. Not Chris, not anyone._

_Wow. I haven't thought about Chris in awhile. I wonder what he is up to. I hope he's good. Contrary to what people may think, at least those who know about him, I don't actually hate him. I don't._

_I mean, he fathered the one perfect thing in my life. I would change my life with Rory for anything…_

_And I really don't hate Chris, but things happen in life to make him not my favorite person in the world. _

_But Luke…Luke is the type of guy I want to grow old with. I think I knew that the first time I saw him…or, okay, that was a little strange, but when we started actually becoming friends…_

_That is when everything started to change._

_I hope he hurries up and gets here. I miss him a lot._

_---_

_August 12, 1990_

The lazy Saturday afternoon was really taking a toll on Lorelai's mental well-being. She was frustrated Luke hadn't shown up and she could tell Rory was too. She would catch Rory watching out the living room window when she thought Lorelai wasn't looking. It was breaking her heart. That was something she'd talk to Luke about in earnest when he did eventually show up.

It was even harder she didn't have anything to occupy her time with either. Other than work and the normal day to day stuff. The store was spotless. There really wasn't anything else she can do with it.

And it was really driving her crazy.

"Mom," Rory called from her room, "can we go to the library? I want a new book."

"Sure thing sweetie," Lorelai answered and grabbed her jacket. "Let's go."

Two hours and a whole armful of books later they started the walk home. When she looked up to the porch of her incredibly clean house, she noticed a body there. Someone she hadn't seen in a long time.

"Dad?"

---

**A/N: Ha-ha…nobody expected that, did they? Does anyone want to know why he's there? You should review so I'll tell you…review! **


	33. August 12, 1990

**A/N: Nope, you aren't seeing things. This is truly an update. After much longer than I'd like to admit or even acknowledge, I'm back with an update. It's alright if you hate me, I nearly hate myself. Please go back and refresh…it helps, trust me. I had to do it myself.**

**More will come. I promise you that. I will finish this story, even if it takes me until I'm old and wrinkled. I will finish it. Thanks for your patience and encouragement. I appreciate you all.**

**Disclaimer: GG is not mine. Never has been and I can pretty much guarantee it never will be.**

**---**

August 12, 1990

"Dad?"

Her voice caught. Standing on her front porch stood Richard Gilmore. The gray suit he wore looked just as clean and pressed as any day that Lorelai could remember as a child, his hair slightly grayer than the last time she had seen him. Her mind was racing. She couldn't possible guess as to why her father was standing on her doorstep.

"What…what are you doing here?" Lorelai asked, fumbling around her words. She ran a hand through her mass of curls and watched as Rory looked between Lorelai and Richard. Richard was silent and Lorelai couldn't believe it. "Dad?"

"I just," Richard Gilmore started, "I just wanted to come by and say hello. It's been a long time."

"Uh, yeah, it has. Are you okay dad?"

"Fine," Richard answered automatically and too quickly for Lorelai. The situation with William had made her uneasy with all health related topics. "I'm fine. I should go, your mother will be upset if I'm late for dinner."

"I'm sorry dad," Lorelai stuttered, "You can't stay…have a cup of coffee."

"I wish I could," Richard assured her, "you know your mother and her dinner times."

"I do," Lorelai answered with a small smile. "Rory, why don't you take our books inside. I'll be right behind you."

"Okay," Rory answered automatically and obediently and lugged the wagon of books up to the front porch. Lorelai, left alone with her father on the front lawn, shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably.

"Why did you come here dad?" Lorelai asked once Rory had the door closed behind her. "Is mom okay?"

"Your mother is completely healthy. And I really should go. I could run into traffic."

"Dad…"

"It was good seeing you Lorelai. Give Rory a hug for me."

Lorelai watched powerlessly as her father walked by her and to his car. Ten seconds later his car turned the corner and was out of her sight. There was something wrong, Lorelai could feel it deep down, and it had her on edge.

"Mom?"

"I'm coming sweetheart," Lorelai answered Rory with a small wave as she continued to stare in the direction of her father's car.

Yeah, something was definitely up.

----

_August 13, 1990_

_It's after midnight, so technically it's the thirteenth, which is why I've dated it that. Yeah, I know…probably too much, but I'm tired and now more stressed than before…and god. Will I ever get a break? It doesn't seem like it, huh?_

_I'm half tempted to show up at my dad's office tomorrow and demand him to tell me what's wrong. I have this feeling in my gut…_

_UGH!!_

_I just want to curl up into Luke's arm, but he's not here. _

_Still. _

_I'm a whining and complaining girl. I guess that is something I've always been. Will I always been like this? Is it in my DNA forever? Do I have any strength in me at all? Or am I just a coward? I run away from everything. I think always have. _

_Will I always be running?_

_Will anyone ever chase after me?_

_August 16, 1990_

_My parent's are on vacation Maddie. Apparently, according to the maid they've been gone for three days. They left right after my dad's mysterious visit here. I wish I could shake the feeling I've got about that visit…but I can't._

_I don't know if I'll ever be able to not jump to the worst conclusion after William. Am I doomed to always think the worst now?_

_Maybe my father just missed me and Rory. Maybe he just wanted to try to mend the bridges again. It's possible._

_It is._

_I'm telling that to myself over and over again, but I'm not sure if it's working or not. And I don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to. Luke isn't here and neither is Liz. William is…gone. And Mia, I love her, but I don't know. It seems weird to confide in her. She is my boss._

_I think I'm more confused now than ever._

_August 21, 1990_

The house was too quiet for Lorelai's taste, but Rory was at Lane's house for the night. Rory didn't do overnighters very often and Lorelai was still getting used to them at all.

Lorelai curled her legs up underneath her as she settled in for a movie night on her own.

The credits for _Flashdance_ appeared on the screen and she sighed happily.

"I can't believe you're watching that movie again." A voice said behind her and Lorelai jumped up.

Standing in the doorway to the living room was one very tall, very tired looking Luke Danes.

"If we're going to have a movie night, can it at least be something I'm going to want to watch too?"

"Luke?" Lorelai asked and Luke smiled. "What, how….you're here?"

The exclaimtion came out with more of a question to it and Luke nodded, his smile turning downward slowly and apologetically.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to get back here," Luke said and took a tentative step towards a still gaping Lorelai. "I honestly didn't mean to be gone that long."

Lorelai could only nod, her words escaping her.

"I know…"

Lorelai's voice was small as she said the two little words and Luke took another step towards her. She wasn't sure who moved first, but suddenly Lorelai was wrapped tightly in his arms and holding on for dear life.

"I missed you," she whispered against his neck and she felt him hold her tighter.

"I missed you too Lorelai," he answered, his lips pressed against her hair. "More than you could possibly know."

"I'm so happy you're back I'm not even going to fight you on that."

"You're turning soft on me now, are you?" Luke teased her and Lorelai giggled. She couldn't help it.

"I really am just glad to see you," she responded and pulled away from him slowly. "I wasn't sure you were ever going to come home."

"I told you I would."

"Almost a month ago. I was getting worried."

"I'm sorry…"

"That's all you can say? You're sorry."

"Lorelai…"

"I don't want to fight Luke," Lorelai assured him. "I really don't. I just want to know where you've been and why in the hell you were gone for so long."

"And I'll tell you," he promised and grasped both of her hands in his. "I promise I'll tell you. But right now I need sleep and a hot shower. Can I meet you and Rory for breakfast?"

"Make it lunch," Lorelai bartered, "Rory is going to be at Lane's until eleven."

"I'll be here at eleven ten," Luke promised with a kiss to her forehead. "See you then."

_Was he really just here? Luke Danes, back in Stars Hollow? It was amazing to hear his voice and feel his arms around me, but I'm afraid to go to sleep only to wake up and have it be a twisted dream from my even more twisted mind. I want him to be home, to be here for me. _

_Is that going to happen?_

_There are so many questions to answer, even now that he's home._

_Tomorrow should be an interesting day._

**---**

**A/N: I know it's a bit short and I apologize for that. But I wanted to get it posted and up before I lost my nerve and waited another six months. Let me know what you think? I promise a happy ending is coming and all questions will be answered.**


End file.
